voice.
“I know, he told me.”
“Wait, you talked to him? What the hell?” I couldn’t believe Meg and Jay spoke. I was sure Jay and Becca were going to head to her lair for a romp in the sack after school.
“Well, he just kinda found me on the walk home and approached me. He seemed pretty frustrated. I gave him your number.”
“You WHAT?! Why did you do that?” I demanded.
“I don’t know! He wanted your address and I didn’t think you’d want to see him. He’s persistent. I made him settle for your number,” I sighed. I didn’t think I could face him again. “Brogan, I’m sorry. He said you were upset. What happened between you two? What did you say to him? You two were so tight after he saved you. I thought you wanted to see if you guys could work things out?”
“I know. I did want that. But he’s chosen Becca - I can’t compete. And I won’t be waiting on the side if she dumps him.”
“Listen, do me a favor...if he calls you, keep an open mind and listen to him. I don’t think he wants to lose you.”
“Then why does he keep pushing me away and running toward Becca?”
“He doesn’t give a crap about Becca. Do they seem close to you? Do you think he has confided in her and not you?”
“No,” I said in a small voice. I hadn’t thought about it like that. Whatever was going on between Becca and Jay was strictly physical, anyone could see that. She may have wanted more, but he didn’t share that with her. “Fine, I’ll be open minded.”
Meg and I hung up. My phone fell from my hands onto the ground. I kicked it away with my foot out of frustration. It landed next to my drawing journal. I felt compelled to thumb through the journal before I finished it - break the rules. Page one was dated June 5th. It was black and white with pictures of various birds. Some were on branches others had taken flight in the sky. I looked through countless drawings throughout the summer timeframe - all very peaceful. Many were of plants, flowers, and tiny insects. There were occasional sayings or poems written in the margin. All black and white. As school approached, my drawings were drawn with a heavier, bolder line and seemed more anxious. How fitting. I continued thumbing through and found a page with a colored butterfly. Everything else was black and white - but the butterfly was so vivid. I checked the date. It was the day I returned to school after the accident. The day that Jay had kissed me, the day we had lunch together. I turned page after page and each of the following pages had color on them. All of them! I gasped and the journal fell to the floor.
What had changed? I never consciously decided which pencil to draw with. The same jar of pencils of all colors sat on my desk where I mindlessly let my emotions out on paper. Was it the accident that changed me, or Jay? I grabbed the book again and thumbed to the last few entries. They still had color in them but there was more black and white. I looked for the day Jay went to the doctor and I had the panic attack - black, black, black. Scribbling and chaos. It wasn’t the accident. It was Jay. Somehow I tuned into his energy and it came through in my drawings. I couldn’t believe the difference in what I drew. I was pulled from my thoughts by my phone ringing. “Unknown number”.
I took a deep breath, tucked my journal in my bedside table and answered my phone. “Hello?” There was a pause.
“Brogen, don’t hang up.” It was Jay. “Listen, I need to talk to you, can I come over?” I didn’t want to see him. It’s easier to push someone away on the phone. “Please, I promise I’ll explain what’s been going on. But I need to do it in person.” I desperately wanted to know what had changed our relationship - but my heart
“I know, he told me.”
“Wait, you talked to him? What the hell?” I couldn’t believe Meg and Jay spoke. I was sure Jay and Becca were going to head to her lair for a romp in the sack after school.
“Well, he just kinda found me on the walk home and approached me. He seemed pretty frustrated. I gave him your number.”
“You WHAT?! Why did you do that?” I demanded.
“I don’t know! He wanted your address and I didn’t think you’d want to see him. He’s persistent. I made him settle for your number,” I sighed. I didn’t think I could face him again. “Brogan, I’m sorry. He said you were upset. What happened between you two? What did you say to him? You two were so tight after he saved you. I thought you wanted to see if you guys could work things out?”
“I know. I did want that. But he’s chosen Becca - I can’t compete. And I won’t be waiting on the side if she dumps him.”
“Listen, do me a favor...if he calls you, keep an open mind and listen to him. I don’t think he wants to lose you.”
“Then why does he keep pushing me away and running toward Becca?”
“He doesn’t give a crap about Becca. Do they seem close to you? Do you think he has confided in her and not you?”
“No,” I said in a small voice. I hadn’t thought about it like that. Whatever was going on between Becca and Jay was strictly physical, anyone could see that. She may have wanted more, but he didn’t share that with her. “Fine, I’ll be open minded.”
Meg and I hung up. My phone fell from my hands onto the ground. I kicked it away with my foot out of frustration. It landed next to my drawing journal. I felt compelled to thumb through the journal before I finished it - break the rules. Page one was dated June 5th. It was black and white with pictures of various birds. Some were on branches others had taken flight in the sky. I looked through countless drawings throughout the summer timeframe - all very peaceful. Many were of plants, flowers, and tiny insects. There were occasional sayings or poems written in the margin. All black and white. As school approached, my drawings were drawn with a heavier, bolder line and seemed more anxious. How fitting. I continued thumbing through and found a page with a colored butterfly. Everything else was black and white - but the butterfly was so vivid. I checked the date. It was the day I returned to school after the accident. The day that Jay had kissed me, the day we had lunch together. I turned page after page and each of the following pages had color on them. All of them! I gasped and the journal fell to the floor.
What had changed? I never consciously decided which pencil to draw with. The same jar of pencils of all colors sat on my desk where I mindlessly let my emotions out on paper. Was it the accident that changed me, or Jay? I grabbed the book again and thumbed to the last few entries. They still had color in them but there was more black and white. I looked for the day Jay went to the doctor and I had the panic attack - black, black, black. Scribbling and chaos. It wasn’t the accident. It was Jay. Somehow I tuned into his energy and it came through in my drawings. I couldn’t believe the difference in what I drew. I was pulled from my thoughts by my phone ringing. “Unknown number”.
I took a deep breath, tucked my journal in my bedside table and answered my phone. “Hello?” There was a pause.
“Brogen, don’t hang up.” It was Jay. “Listen, I need to talk to you, can I come over?” I didn’t want to see him. It’s easier to push someone away on the phone. “Please, I promise I’ll explain what’s been going on. But I need to do it in person.” I desperately wanted to know what had changed our relationship - but my heart
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