Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by JOHN GOTTMAN Page B

mind also that kids generally crave intimacy and warmth with their parents. It’s in their best interest to heal the relationship. They give their parents lots of second chances. Remember also that such forgiveness is a two-way street. It works best in families where children are allowed to be in crummy moods from time to time, where parents openly forgive their children as well.
    While building emotional self-awareness can be a lifelong process, parents may see positive results from new insights right away. A mother who finally gives herself permission to get angry is in a much better position to allow her son to have the same feeling. Once a father can acknowledge his own sadness, he’s far more capable of listening to his son’s or daughter’s sadness.
    E MOTIONAL A WARENESS S ELF -T EST
The following test is designed to help you take a look at your own emotional life, how you permit yourself to experience anger and sadness, and how you feel about emotion in general. There are no right or wrong answers here, but the scoring key at the end will help you gauge your level of emotional awareness. Understanding this aspect of yourself can give you insights into why you react as you do to other people’s emotions, and particularly to your child’s emotions.
    A NGER
Start by taking a look at the most recent past, say, the last few weeks of your life. Think about the things you find stressful, and that cause you to feel frustrated, irritated, or angry. Also, think about people in your life who seem to be responding to you with impatience, frustration, anger, or irritation. Consider the thoughts, images, and basic feelings you have when faced with these angry, stressful emotions in others and in yourself. Read each of the following statements, which were all taken from statements made by people in our research studies. See how much you agree with them. Then circle the response that fits best.
T = True F = False DK = Don’t Know
1 . I feel many different kinds of anger. T F DK
2 . I am either calm or I blow up in anger, there’s not much in between. T F DK
3 . People can tell when I am even a little irritated. T F DK
4 . I can tell way in advance of getting angry that I am on the nasty or grumpy side. T F DK
5 . In others I can detect even small signs that people are angry. T F DK
6 . Anger is toxic. T F DK
7 . When I get angry, I feel like I am chewing on something, clenching my jaw on it, biting it, and gnashing it. T F DK
8 . I can feel cues of my anger in my body. T F DK
9 . Feelings are private. I try not to express them. T F DK
10 . I experience anger as getting physically very hot. T F DK
11 . For me, feeling angry is like building up steam, increasing the pressure. T F DK
12 . For me, getting angry is like blowing off steam, letting go of the pressure. T F DK
13 . For me, getting angry is like the pressure building and building and not letting up. T F DK
14 . Getting angry makes me feel like I’m about to lose control. T F DK
15 . When I get angry it tells people that they can’t push me around. T F DK
16 . Anger is my way of getting serious and stern. T F DK
17 . Anger gives me energy; it’s a motivation to tackle things and not be defeated by them. T F DK
18 . I keep my anger suppressed and inside. T F DK
19 . My view is that if you suppress anger, you court disaster. T F DK
20 . In my view, anger is natural, like clearing your throat. T F DK
21 . For me, anger is like something’s on fire, like something is going to explode. T F DK
22 . Anger, like fire, can consume you. T F DK
23 . I just ride out anger until it melts away. T F DK
24 . I see anger as destruction. T F DK
25 . I see anger as uncivilized. T F DK
26 . I see anger as drowning. T F DK
27 . To me there’s not much difference between anger and aggression. T F DK
28 . I think that a child’s anger is bad and ought to be punished. T F DK
29 . The energy from anger has to go somewhere. You might as well express it. T F DK
30 . Anger gives you drive,