Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by JOHN GOTTMAN Page A

bad for them,” she says, “but I didn’t know how to stop. It was like I had two speeds—nice and mean—and I didn’t have any control over the switch.”
    It wasn’t until Sophie’s son got into trouble at school for his own tantrums that she went for counseling. That’s when she began to see how her attitude toward emotion was actually harming her kids. By always denying her feelings, she had given her children no model for handling negative emotions that naturally surface in familylife—feelings like anger, resentment, and jealousy. Still, changing her ways has not been easy. She’s had to learn to focus consciously on thoughts and feelings that she previously considered “self-centered” or “narcissistic”—even “sinful.” But by doing so, she can now take care of her needs before she becomes overwhelmed and loses her temper. She’s also beginning to see how getting in touch with her own negative feelings might help her to be a better guide for her children when they’re feeling angry, sad, or fearful. “It’s kind of like the safety instructions they give on airplanes,” she explains. “You’ve got to get the oxygen in place for yourself first before you can help your child.”
    What can parents who fear losing control do to feel more capable of engaging with their children concerning emotional issues? First, remember that it’s okay to express anger if your child does something that makes you mad. The key is to express your feelings in ways that are not destructive to your relationship. By doing so, you are demonstrating two things: (1) Strong feelings can be expressed and managed, and (2) Your child’s behavior really matters to you. You can use your anger to demonstrate passion and sincerity, so long as you communicate respectfully. Our research shows it’s best to avoid sarcasm, contempt, and derogatory comments toward your child, all of which are linked to low self-esteem in children. It’s also better to focus on your child’s actions rather than his character. Make your comments specific and tell your child how his actions affect you.
    In addition, it also helps to be aware of your different levels of emotional arousal. If you find that you’re mad, but you can continue to talk rationally to your child, leading to some degree of understanding, stay engaged. Tell your child what’s on your mind, listen to his response, and keep talking. If, on the other hand, you find that you’re so intensely angry that you can’t think clearly, take a break from the situation and return to it later when you feel less aroused. Parents should also retreat if they feel they’re on the verge of doing or saying destructive things, such as hitting or insulting their kids. Spanking, sarcasm, threats, derogatory statements, or expressions of contempt should definitely be avoided. (For more on spanking, see page 103 .) Rather than hitting children or lobbing hurtful comments at them, parents should take a breather, promisingthey’ll return to the discussion when they can be calmer.
    If you feel you are at risk for seriously hurting your child physically or psychologically, you should seek professional counseling. Your health-care provider or a local crisis hotline can give you referrals.
    Finally, parents who fear losing control might do well to remember the healing power of forgiveness. All parents make mistakes from time to time, losing their tempers with their children, saying or doing things they later regret. From about age four, children can understand the concept of “I’m sorry.” So don’t miss the chance to go back and repair an interaction when you feel remorse. Tell your child how you were feeling at the time of the incident and how you felt afterward. This can be a positive example to your child of how to handle feelings of regret and sorrow. Perhaps your child can even help you brainstorm solutions that will help both of you prevent future misunderstandings and conflicts.
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