the market and buys the chicken. On his way back, he sees that
Funny Girl
is showing at the movies. So he calls Sadie on his cell. “Sadie,” he says, “They’re showing
Funny Girl
at the movies. I think I’ll see it before I come home. I missed it first time round and this is a new digitally enhanced release.”
“OK,” replies Sadie, “but what about the chicken?”
“I’ll take it inside with me,” Moshe answers.
So he stuffs the chicken down his trousers and goes in to see the film. Unfortunately, during the film, the chicken pokes its head out of Moshe’s trousers. Two women are sitting next to Moshe and one turns to the other and whispers, “There’s a man next to me with his
shmuck
sticking out of his trousers.”
Her friend says, “Why be shocked? If you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all.”
“But this one’s different. It’s eating my popcorn.”
It’s a lovely hot, sunny morning in the forest where the bear family Levine live. There was mommy bear Rifka, daddy bear Shlomo and baby bear Benny. Benny bear goes downstairs for breakfast and as usual sits down in his small chair at the end of the table. He looks at his small plate and guess what? It’s empty. “Who’s been eating my bagel?” he squeaks.
Shlomo bear then makes an appearance and sits in his big chair. He looks at his big plate and guess what? It too is empty. “Who’s been eating my bagels?” he roars.
On hearing all this complaining, Rifka bear puts her head through the serving hatch and shouts at Shlomo and Benny. “How many times do we have to go through this? It was mommy bear who got up first. It was mommy bear who woke up everybody else in the house. It was mommy bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was mommy bear who set the breakfast table, who filled the cat’s milk and food dishes, and who cleaned the litter box and took the dog for a walk. And now that you two have finally decided to get out of bed and grace me with your presence, listen carefully because I’m only going to say this one more time—I haven’t made the damn bagels yet!”
Hymie is walking along Forest Avenue carrying a large, heavy watermelon when he sees his friend Abe coming toward him.
“Hi Abe,” says Hymie. “Nu? How are you?”
“Oy Vay”
says Abe, throwing his arms up in the air, “Don’t ask! But tell me, how are you?”
“Me?” says Hymie, “You ask how I am? You want I drop my watermelon?”
Simon is a lovely five-year-old who gives his parents Maurice and Hannah much
naches.
Their only worry is the fact that he hasn’t spoken a word since he was born. But he appears happy and bright and he always does what he is told, so they live in hope. One day, at breakfast, Hannah realizes that they have run out of corn flakes, so she gives Simon a bowl of grapefruit segments instead. As soon as Simon puts the first spoonful into his mouth, he spits it out and shouts, “Yuck, what rubbish. It’s not nice to start the day with such bitter-tasting food.”
“Simon,
bubbeleh,
you spoke,” cries Hannah, “you’ve just said your very first words.”
“Mazeltov,
son,” says Maurice.
Hannah and Maurice dance around the room in joy. When they calm down a bit, Maurice says to Simon, “Why has it taken you so long to speak? You’ve got such a lovely clear voice and you’re already quite articulate.”
“Well,” answers Simon, “until this morning, when you gave me this grapefruit, the food has always been excellent.”
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Jewish personal adverts—part 1:
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shul,
light Shabbes candles, celebrate holidays, build
succah
together, attend
brisses,
Bar Mitzvahs. Religion not important.
Your place or mine? Divorced man, 42, with
flayshig
dishes only. Seeking woman with nice
milchig
set. Objective: macaroni.
Desperately seeking schmoozing! Retired senior citizen desires female companion 70 +
Funny Girl
is showing at the movies. So he calls Sadie on his cell. “Sadie,” he says, “They’re showing
Funny Girl
at the movies. I think I’ll see it before I come home. I missed it first time round and this is a new digitally enhanced release.”
“OK,” replies Sadie, “but what about the chicken?”
“I’ll take it inside with me,” Moshe answers.
So he stuffs the chicken down his trousers and goes in to see the film. Unfortunately, during the film, the chicken pokes its head out of Moshe’s trousers. Two women are sitting next to Moshe and one turns to the other and whispers, “There’s a man next to me with his
shmuck
sticking out of his trousers.”
Her friend says, “Why be shocked? If you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all.”
“But this one’s different. It’s eating my popcorn.”
It’s a lovely hot, sunny morning in the forest where the bear family Levine live. There was mommy bear Rifka, daddy bear Shlomo and baby bear Benny. Benny bear goes downstairs for breakfast and as usual sits down in his small chair at the end of the table. He looks at his small plate and guess what? It’s empty. “Who’s been eating my bagel?” he squeaks.
Shlomo bear then makes an appearance and sits in his big chair. He looks at his big plate and guess what? It too is empty. “Who’s been eating my bagels?” he roars.
On hearing all this complaining, Rifka bear puts her head through the serving hatch and shouts at Shlomo and Benny. “How many times do we have to go through this? It was mommy bear who got up first. It was mommy bear who woke up everybody else in the house. It was mommy bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was mommy bear who set the breakfast table, who filled the cat’s milk and food dishes, and who cleaned the litter box and took the dog for a walk. And now that you two have finally decided to get out of bed and grace me with your presence, listen carefully because I’m only going to say this one more time—I haven’t made the damn bagels yet!”
Hymie is walking along Forest Avenue carrying a large, heavy watermelon when he sees his friend Abe coming toward him.
“Hi Abe,” says Hymie. “Nu? How are you?”
“Oy Vay”
says Abe, throwing his arms up in the air, “Don’t ask! But tell me, how are you?”
“Me?” says Hymie, “You ask how I am? You want I drop my watermelon?”
Simon is a lovely five-year-old who gives his parents Maurice and Hannah much
naches.
Their only worry is the fact that he hasn’t spoken a word since he was born. But he appears happy and bright and he always does what he is told, so they live in hope. One day, at breakfast, Hannah realizes that they have run out of corn flakes, so she gives Simon a bowl of grapefruit segments instead. As soon as Simon puts the first spoonful into his mouth, he spits it out and shouts, “Yuck, what rubbish. It’s not nice to start the day with such bitter-tasting food.”
“Simon,
bubbeleh,
you spoke,” cries Hannah, “you’ve just said your very first words.”
“Mazeltov,
son,” says Maurice.
Hannah and Maurice dance around the room in joy. When they calm down a bit, Maurice says to Simon, “Why has it taken you so long to speak? You’ve got such a lovely clear voice and you’re already quite articulate.”
“Well,” answers Simon, “until this morning, when you gave me this grapefruit, the food has always been excellent.”
Advertisements and Announcements
Jewish personal adverts—part 1:
Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend
shul,
light Shabbes candles, celebrate holidays, build
succah
together, attend
brisses,
Bar Mitzvahs. Religion not important.
Your place or mine? Divorced man, 42, with
flayshig
dishes only. Seeking woman with nice
milchig
set. Objective: macaroni.
Desperately seeking schmoozing! Retired senior citizen desires female companion 70 +
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