Refreshments will be served for a nominal feel.
Our rabbi unveiled the synagogue’s new fundraising campaign slogan last week “I Upped My Pledge—Up Yours.”
If you enjoy sinning, the choir is looking for you.
Rabbi is on holiday. Massages can be given to his secretary.
Mrs. Himmelfarb will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
The Ladies Guild have cast-off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the basement on Thursdays.
We are taking up a collection to defray the cost of the new carpet in the Beck Hall. All those wishing to do something on the carpet, please come forward and get a piece of paper.
Don’t let worry kill you. Let your synagogue help.
A Jewish telegram:
“Begin worrying. Details to follow.”
Many years ago, when Moshe was a young boy, he found a
mezuzah
on the wall of a deserted house near his street. As there was still time before he had to get home for his tea, he pulled it off the wall and opened it. Inside, he found a piece of old paper on which was written the words that he would never forget: “Please help me. I’m being held prisoner in a
mezuzah
factory.”
Jewish personal ads—part 2:
I’ve had it all: herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, and four of the ten plagues. Now I’m ready to settle down. So where are all the nice Jewish men hiding?
Yeshiva bucher,
Torah scholar, long beard and sidelocks. Seeks same in woman.
Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality.
Are you the girl I talked to at the Kiddush after
shut
last week? You excused yourself to get more horseradish for your gefilte fish, but you never returned. How can I contact you again? (I was the one with the cholent stain on my tie.)
Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles, Havdalah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker.
Eighty-year-old
bubbeh,
no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male, under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can’t I?
I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I’ll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please.
Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, athletics. Has slight limp.
Orthodox woman with
get,
seeks man who got
get,
or can get
get.
Get it?
I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours.
Couch potato
latke,
in search of the right apple sauce. Let’s try it for eight days. Who knows?
Female graduate student, studying Zohar, Kabbalah [Jewish mysticism], exorcism of
dybbuks
[demons], seeks
mensch.
No weirdos, please.
Israeli professor, 41, with eighteen years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good.
Kitty has just bought her first telephone answering machine and guess what she decided to record on it?
If you want me to make smoked salmon when you come round, press 1; if you want chopped liver press 2; if you want chicken soup, press 3; if you want chicken soup with matzo balls, press 4; if you want to know how am I feeling, you must have dialed the wrong number because nobody ever asks me how I am. Who knows, I could even be dead by now.
Jacob was listening to Kosher FM on his radio when he heard the announcer say, “We now have a request for a favorite record from a Mr. Weinberg—goodness!—who is 111 and off work this week.”
Then, almost immediately, Jacob heard the announcer make this correction, “Sorry, listeners, I got it wrong. The next request is from Mr. Weinberg who is ILL and off work this week.”
There are three signs on the wall in Moshe’s Furniture Warehouse:
There are two very good reasons why we won’t cash your check. Either we don’t know you, or we DO know you.”
We have an agreement with all the local banks. They don’t sell furniture and we don’t cash checks.”
We don’t blame our competitors for charging less for their furniture.
After all, they should know what their stuff is
Our rabbi unveiled the synagogue’s new fundraising campaign slogan last week “I Upped My Pledge—Up Yours.”
If you enjoy sinning, the choir is looking for you.
Rabbi is on holiday. Massages can be given to his secretary.
Mrs. Himmelfarb will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
The Ladies Guild have cast-off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the basement on Thursdays.
We are taking up a collection to defray the cost of the new carpet in the Beck Hall. All those wishing to do something on the carpet, please come forward and get a piece of paper.
Don’t let worry kill you. Let your synagogue help.
A Jewish telegram:
“Begin worrying. Details to follow.”
Many years ago, when Moshe was a young boy, he found a
mezuzah
on the wall of a deserted house near his street. As there was still time before he had to get home for his tea, he pulled it off the wall and opened it. Inside, he found a piece of old paper on which was written the words that he would never forget: “Please help me. I’m being held prisoner in a
mezuzah
factory.”
Jewish personal ads—part 2:
I’ve had it all: herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, and four of the ten plagues. Now I’m ready to settle down. So where are all the nice Jewish men hiding?
Yeshiva bucher,
Torah scholar, long beard and sidelocks. Seeks same in woman.
Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality.
Are you the girl I talked to at the Kiddush after
shut
last week? You excused yourself to get more horseradish for your gefilte fish, but you never returned. How can I contact you again? (I was the one with the cholent stain on my tie.)
Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles, Havdalah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker.
Eighty-year-old
bubbeh,
no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male, under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can’t I?
I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I’ll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please.
Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, athletics. Has slight limp.
Orthodox woman with
get,
seeks man who got
get,
or can get
get.
Get it?
I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours.
Couch potato
latke,
in search of the right apple sauce. Let’s try it for eight days. Who knows?
Female graduate student, studying Zohar, Kabbalah [Jewish mysticism], exorcism of
dybbuks
[demons], seeks
mensch.
No weirdos, please.
Israeli professor, 41, with eighteen years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good.
Kitty has just bought her first telephone answering machine and guess what she decided to record on it?
If you want me to make smoked salmon when you come round, press 1; if you want chopped liver press 2; if you want chicken soup, press 3; if you want chicken soup with matzo balls, press 4; if you want to know how am I feeling, you must have dialed the wrong number because nobody ever asks me how I am. Who knows, I could even be dead by now.
Jacob was listening to Kosher FM on his radio when he heard the announcer say, “We now have a request for a favorite record from a Mr. Weinberg—goodness!—who is 111 and off work this week.”
Then, almost immediately, Jacob heard the announcer make this correction, “Sorry, listeners, I got it wrong. The next request is from Mr. Weinberg who is ILL and off work this week.”
There are three signs on the wall in Moshe’s Furniture Warehouse:
There are two very good reasons why we won’t cash your check. Either we don’t know you, or we DO know you.”
We have an agreement with all the local banks. They don’t sell furniture and we don’t cash checks.”
We don’t blame our competitors for charging less for their furniture.
After all, they should know what their stuff is
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