for
kvetching
and
kvelling.
Under 30 is also OK.
Conservative rabbi, 45. I count women for the
minyan
and call them up to the Torah. Seeking female to make
aliyah.
Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha B’av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B’Teves, Shivah Asar B’Tammuz (these are all fast days). Seeks companion for living life in the “fast” lane.
Shul gabbai,
36. I take out the Torah Saturday morning. Would like to take you out Saturday night. Please write.
Attractive Jewish woman, 35, college graduate, seeks successful Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my parents’ house.
Worried about in-law meddling? I’m an orphan! Write.
Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me.
All my friends are doing it, and quite frankly, I feel left out.
Jewish woman, 37, never married. Seeks divorce.
The following signs have been spotted:
Over a gynecologist’s office: “Dr. Levy, at your cervix.”
On Yitzhak the plumber’s truck: “I repair what your husband fixed.”
Also on Yitzhak the plumber’s truck: “Don’t sleep with a drip. Call me.”
On Cohen’s Pizza shop: “Seven days without pizza makes one weak.”
Also on Cohen’s Pizza shop: “Buy my pizza. I knead the dough.”
In Moshe the plastic surgeon’s office: “Hello. Can I pick your nose?"
On Hyman the electrician’s truck: “Let me remove your shorts.”
On a maternity-room door at a Jewish hospital: “Push. Push. Push.”
At Benny the optometrist’s office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”
In Abe the podiatrist’s office: “Time wounds all heels.”
In Shlomo the veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in five minutes. Sit! Stay!"
In Issy’s restaurant window: “Don’t stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up.”
On Benjy’s radiator shop: “Best place in town to take a leak.”
In the front yard of Isaac’s funeral home: “Drive carefully. I’ll wait.”
Avrahom and Becky were very worried. They had just received an invitation to a very high-class wedding but couldn’t figure out the meaning of the abbreviation RSVP
“If only our son, the graduate, was here, he’d know,” sighed Becky, as she kissed Avrahom good-bye as he left for work.
She pondered the problem all day and finally in a moment of triumph called Avrahom at the shop.
“Darling, I’ve figured it out,” she said, “RSVP means Remember, Send Vedding Present.”
Bernie died and his wife, Sarah, phoned the
Jewish Chronicle
to place an obituary. Sarah said to them, “This is what I want you to print: Bernie is dead.”
The
JC
man said, “But for $25, you are allowed to print six words.”
Sarah answered, “OK, then print: Bernie is dead. Lexus for sale.”
There was an ad in the
Jewish Examiner
that read: “Wife wanted. Please reply to Box Number 123.” Five thousand replies were received, all saying: “You can have mine.”
Other adverts that have been spotted include:
“
F
or sale by owner: complete set of
Encyclopedia Britannica,
45 volumes, excellent condition, $500 or nearest offer. No longer needed—just got married. Wife knows everything.”
“Mr. & Mrs. Moshe Levy are pleased to announce the birth of their beloved son, Doctor David Levy.”
Here are some announcements that have appeared in synagogue newsletters:
Join us for our celebration after services. Prayer and medication to follow.
Weight Watchers will meet at 8 p.m. at the Beck Hall. Please use the large double doors at the side entrance.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our congregation.
For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
We are pleased to announce the birth of David Bloom, the sin of Rabbi and Mrs. Shlomo Bloom.
The Men’s Club is warmly invited to the celebrations hosted by WIZO, the Women’s International Zionist Organization.
kvetching
and
kvelling.
Under 30 is also OK.
Conservative rabbi, 45. I count women for the
minyan
and call them up to the Torah. Seeking female to make
aliyah.
Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha B’av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B’Teves, Shivah Asar B’Tammuz (these are all fast days). Seeks companion for living life in the “fast” lane.
Shul gabbai,
36. I take out the Torah Saturday morning. Would like to take you out Saturday night. Please write.
Attractive Jewish woman, 35, college graduate, seeks successful Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my parents’ house.
Worried about in-law meddling? I’m an orphan! Write.
Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me.
All my friends are doing it, and quite frankly, I feel left out.
Jewish woman, 37, never married. Seeks divorce.
The following signs have been spotted:
Over a gynecologist’s office: “Dr. Levy, at your cervix.”
On Yitzhak the plumber’s truck: “I repair what your husband fixed.”
Also on Yitzhak the plumber’s truck: “Don’t sleep with a drip. Call me.”
On Cohen’s Pizza shop: “Seven days without pizza makes one weak.”
Also on Cohen’s Pizza shop: “Buy my pizza. I knead the dough.”
In Moshe the plastic surgeon’s office: “Hello. Can I pick your nose?"
On Hyman the electrician’s truck: “Let me remove your shorts.”
On a maternity-room door at a Jewish hospital: “Push. Push. Push.”
At Benny the optometrist’s office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”
In Abe the podiatrist’s office: “Time wounds all heels.”
In Shlomo the veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in five minutes. Sit! Stay!"
In Issy’s restaurant window: “Don’t stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up.”
On Benjy’s radiator shop: “Best place in town to take a leak.”
In the front yard of Isaac’s funeral home: “Drive carefully. I’ll wait.”
Avrahom and Becky were very worried. They had just received an invitation to a very high-class wedding but couldn’t figure out the meaning of the abbreviation RSVP
“If only our son, the graduate, was here, he’d know,” sighed Becky, as she kissed Avrahom good-bye as he left for work.
She pondered the problem all day and finally in a moment of triumph called Avrahom at the shop.
“Darling, I’ve figured it out,” she said, “RSVP means Remember, Send Vedding Present.”
Bernie died and his wife, Sarah, phoned the
Jewish Chronicle
to place an obituary. Sarah said to them, “This is what I want you to print: Bernie is dead.”
The
JC
man said, “But for $25, you are allowed to print six words.”
Sarah answered, “OK, then print: Bernie is dead. Lexus for sale.”
There was an ad in the
Jewish Examiner
that read: “Wife wanted. Please reply to Box Number 123.” Five thousand replies were received, all saying: “You can have mine.”
Other adverts that have been spotted include:
“
F
or sale by owner: complete set of
Encyclopedia Britannica,
45 volumes, excellent condition, $500 or nearest offer. No longer needed—just got married. Wife knows everything.”
“Mr. & Mrs. Moshe Levy are pleased to announce the birth of their beloved son, Doctor David Levy.”
Here are some announcements that have appeared in synagogue newsletters:
Join us for our celebration after services. Prayer and medication to follow.
Weight Watchers will meet at 8 p.m. at the Beck Hall. Please use the large double doors at the side entrance.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our congregation.
For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
We are pleased to announce the birth of David Bloom, the sin of Rabbi and Mrs. Shlomo Bloom.
The Men’s Club is warmly invited to the celebrations hosted by WIZO, the Women’s International Zionist Organization.
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