Never Said by Carol Lynch Williams

sweatshirt and his hair looks so blond. Should it be fair that he has such blond hair in the winter?
    â€œGarret,” I say. I don’t even mean to. His name falls out of my mouth and he smiles. Gosh, he has the best smile. Those white teeth.
    â€œHi, Sarah.”
    I’ve stopped in the classroom doorway and people shove past. Alex comes up behind Garret and raises his eyebrows at me.
    â€œHey,” Alex says. He’s smiling as well.
    â€œHi.”
    â€œMove,” someone says, pushing me, and I say, “Sorry.”
    Oh. Oh. This is . . . Why am I embarrassed? As though I’ve done something wrong.
    Lockers slam. I can hear a teacher hollering about no homework for the weekend and yes, you’re welcome, thank you very much. Annie walks toward me and someone screams down the hall. The intercom comes on with a crackle.
    Close behind my sister is her old best friend.

annie
    Melanie is . . .
I won’t list adjectives that fill my brain
want to leap from my tongue.
    Sarah leaves,
sliding a little on a wet part of the floor. I’m stabbed to the center.
    I pass a classroom window
and for a moment
see myself as I was —
    Yes, the hair has changed
and the make
up
but
the window is a trick mirror
and I am thin again.
    I look
See myself
Before.
    A sudden, desperate feeling goes through me.
I want to be that
girl again.
I want to be thin.
    I
was
like Melanie.
    I
was Melanie.
    But I can make me new.
Not take back all the old.
Be there for my sister.
Right?

sarah
    Y ou worried about the party?” Annie asks. She’s found me in ASL class. Miss Saunders stands at the front of the room, saying hello as we walk in, waiting for the bell to ring.
    â€œCan’t talk about it without wanting to puke,” I say. Throwing up once in the school parking lot is enough for me.
    Corny as it is, I’m grinning because my sister came to see me. She knew I needed her. “What?” Annie asks, and she smiles too.
    â€œYou’re going to be late,” I say, but I link my arm through hers.
    â€œSisters?” Miss Saunders signs.
    I nod. “Twins,” I sign back.
    â€œI see that. Same nose. Same smile. Both pretty.”
    Miss Saunders turns her attention to other people entering the classroom. There will be no Tommy today. Because of me.
    No. Because of me.
    Nervousness crawls through me.
    We have three minutes to whisper before the first bell rings. For a class where no one is to use their voice, it’s pretty loud in here. If your teacher can’t hear you, well, you can get away with a lot.
    Annie looks around the room. I feel her flinch. She turns to me. “Stay away from the guys in this class,” she says.
    â€œWho else?” I ask. Who?
    But Miss Saunders is saying it’s time to begin. “Go!” she says in sign language. “Tell your sister she needs to vamoose.”
    Annie understands. She doesn’t even wait for me to translate. Just leaves.

annie
    I didn’t know Jared Parker
and
Ben Adams were in this class.
Yes, I knew about Tommy.
    But the jerks who held me
that day
stopped me, allowed Tommy Jones to rub
up against me and
put his filthy mouth on mine?
    They’re here.
    Jared sees me. Looks surprised.
Glances away.
He stumbles getting to his chair.
    He apologized after
The Incident.
Called me. Said he wasn’t thinking,
said he would never
never
    do anything like that to anyone again.
That he would never
never
treat a girl
like that again.
    But Ben. Looking at him now
I can see he’s mad — that Tommy’s gone?
Why else?
    A
smile
crawls onto his face
filled with anger.
    Did he write the notes too?
Even with a promise of expulsion?
Who knows.
Who cares.
I turn my back to him
whisper to my sister
and
go.

annie
    encounters with Tommy
those first few times.
Ben and Jared with him.
laughing as
he stopped me in the hall
    (before the weight)
    grabbed my arm
asked
for services someone had rumored I gave.
    As I walk from