regimen, which was to sleep as late as possible, to eat everything you can and to do absolutely no weight training, fitness training or ski training at all.
'It is very, very important to be well rested,' explained Nanny Piggins. 'If you are going to win you will need all your energy. And if you are going to lose, you might as well look fabulous, which means no bags under your eyes.'
She also completely changed the team's diet. The first thing she did was sack the team's macrobiotic chef. It took some time to explain to her what a macrobiotic chef was, but as soon as she understood, she chased him around the kitchen seven times with his own soup ladle. Nanny Piggins did not usually believe in violence, but cruelty to food brought out her disciplinarian side. She instituted a strict, high-calorie diet for all the athletes and coaching staff (which made her instantly beloved). She insisted on them eating double the amount of chocolate and cake she would normally recommend because they had been on macrobiotics for so long she needed to undo the damage.
And so, when the team arrived at the World Championships a fortnight later, they were happier and fatter than they had ever been before. And in a sport that involves plummeting, a few extra kilos does not hurt.
The Russians and the Norwegians were their main competitors and when they saw Nanny Piggins arrive at the ski jump venue they laughed openly. If Nanny Piggins had not had such a lovely time drinking hot chocolate and singing alpine folk songs for the past fortnight, she might have thought about punishing them. As it was, she knew that being beaten by a flying pig would be punishment enough.
The morning of the big competition soon arrived.
'Are you nervous?' asked Derrick.
'Why would I feel nervous?' replied Nanny Piggins. 'Obviously I feel bad for the other competitors because they will shortly be made to look like fools on international television. But I don't think they'll attack me. They'll probably just cry a lot and never want to see snow again.'
Now, the way the Ski Jump World Championships works is that each athlete gets two jumps. The distances are measured and points are given for form and style by an international panel of judges. Then all those numbers are combined in a complicated way that nobody quite understands by someone in a back room with a calculator and that is how the winner is decided.
The competition started early in the morning, but it took quite a while to get through all the athletes because the ones who jumped well took forever celebrating by pumping their fists in the air and showing off in front of the crowd, and the ones who jumped badly had to be scraped off the bottom of the hillside by an ambulance crew. Nanny Piggins was scheduled to jump last because no-one had ever heard of her before and if she made a botch of it they did not want her to damage the ramp before everybody else had had their turn.
So by the time Nanny Piggins stepped out on to the top of the ski jump, the Norwegians were in the lead, with the Russians close behind. She was again wearing her bright yellow jumping suit (Nanny Piggins was excused from wearing the team colours because she undeniably looked fabulous in yellow).
In the dressing shed behind her Nanny Piggins could hear the Norwegian coach sniggering with the Russian coach. One of them even had the audacity to make an oinking noise. Nanny Piggins made a mental note to deal with them later. But she was not going to be distracted now, because the crisp alpine air smelled clean and pure, and the updraft was strong and welcoming. The mountain was practically calling to her, saying, 'jump, Nanny Piggins, jump'.
And so she did. Nanny Piggins stepped over the edge, crouched low while she built up momentum and then launched off the end of the jump like a rocket.
There were no cheers, no boos and definitely no oinking noises. The crowd of ten thousand people watched Nanny Piggins fly through the air in
'It is very, very important to be well rested,' explained Nanny Piggins. 'If you are going to win you will need all your energy. And if you are going to lose, you might as well look fabulous, which means no bags under your eyes.'
She also completely changed the team's diet. The first thing she did was sack the team's macrobiotic chef. It took some time to explain to her what a macrobiotic chef was, but as soon as she understood, she chased him around the kitchen seven times with his own soup ladle. Nanny Piggins did not usually believe in violence, but cruelty to food brought out her disciplinarian side. She instituted a strict, high-calorie diet for all the athletes and coaching staff (which made her instantly beloved). She insisted on them eating double the amount of chocolate and cake she would normally recommend because they had been on macrobiotics for so long she needed to undo the damage.
And so, when the team arrived at the World Championships a fortnight later, they were happier and fatter than they had ever been before. And in a sport that involves plummeting, a few extra kilos does not hurt.
The Russians and the Norwegians were their main competitors and when they saw Nanny Piggins arrive at the ski jump venue they laughed openly. If Nanny Piggins had not had such a lovely time drinking hot chocolate and singing alpine folk songs for the past fortnight, she might have thought about punishing them. As it was, she knew that being beaten by a flying pig would be punishment enough.
The morning of the big competition soon arrived.
'Are you nervous?' asked Derrick.
'Why would I feel nervous?' replied Nanny Piggins. 'Obviously I feel bad for the other competitors because they will shortly be made to look like fools on international television. But I don't think they'll attack me. They'll probably just cry a lot and never want to see snow again.'
Now, the way the Ski Jump World Championships works is that each athlete gets two jumps. The distances are measured and points are given for form and style by an international panel of judges. Then all those numbers are combined in a complicated way that nobody quite understands by someone in a back room with a calculator and that is how the winner is decided.
The competition started early in the morning, but it took quite a while to get through all the athletes because the ones who jumped well took forever celebrating by pumping their fists in the air and showing off in front of the crowd, and the ones who jumped badly had to be scraped off the bottom of the hillside by an ambulance crew. Nanny Piggins was scheduled to jump last because no-one had ever heard of her before and if she made a botch of it they did not want her to damage the ramp before everybody else had had their turn.
So by the time Nanny Piggins stepped out on to the top of the ski jump, the Norwegians were in the lead, with the Russians close behind. She was again wearing her bright yellow jumping suit (Nanny Piggins was excused from wearing the team colours because she undeniably looked fabulous in yellow).
In the dressing shed behind her Nanny Piggins could hear the Norwegian coach sniggering with the Russian coach. One of them even had the audacity to make an oinking noise. Nanny Piggins made a mental note to deal with them later. But she was not going to be distracted now, because the crisp alpine air smelled clean and pure, and the updraft was strong and welcoming. The mountain was practically calling to her, saying, 'jump, Nanny Piggins, jump'.
And so she did. Nanny Piggins stepped over the edge, crouched low while she built up momentum and then launched off the end of the jump like a rocket.
There were no cheers, no boos and definitely no oinking noises. The crowd of ten thousand people watched Nanny Piggins fly through the air in
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