he said.
"They're the worst."
"Wynn."
"What?"
"I don't care about the repercussions of this."
I shook my head, feeling terrible for letting him ruin a good relationship for me when I wasn't even worthy of him in the first place.
"Are you sleeping with her?" I asked since my unworthiness was in the forefront of my mind.
He gave me a cautious glance like he didn't know what to make of my question. "No," he said softly but seriously.
I squeezed my eyes shut, feeling flooded with relief and, at the same time, shame.
"What?" he asked, squeezing my waist.
"You," I said. "I'm not the same as you. I'm not good enough for you. I made bad choices, and it's not even like I feel cool or worldly because of them. I just flat-out regret them. I regret giving that piece of myself to someone like that. I feel so happy that you're not with that girl in there, and at the same time, I was living with somebody, someone who wasn't even a nice guy." I paused, shaking my head at the shame I felt. "I really shouldn't let you mess things up with your…" I hesitated, unable to say the word girlfriend . "She's actually really nice," I said. I gave him a sad smile. "I thought I could hate her, but it's sort of impossible."
"Stop talking about her," Ryan said.
"She exists," I said, calling attention to that fact.
"Yeah, but she's not you, Wynn."
I took in his perfect face, thinking about how selfish it would be of me to have him when he deserved so much better.
"We can't," I said.
He shook his head. "It's too late. You promised."
"I didn't promise."
"Yes you did. You said, 'you're wrong if I'm gonna keep you from kissing me'." He scrunched up his face. "Which I'm almost positive means you knew I was about to kiss you, and you were okay with it."
"Yeah, but that was like five minutes ago," I said. "The moment's probably passed by now."
Chapter 13
"What's done cannot be undone." I whispered in those seconds before he kissed me.
The connection we shared was tangible—it was almost as if I could see it in the air between us.
He smiled. "Shakespeare."
I nodded. "Which one?"
"Hamlet. No, wait. You told me that one before. Macbeth. Is it Macbeth?"
I nodded again.
"I promise, I'll have no desire to undo anything." he said.
"How can you be so sure?" I asked.
His arm was still wrapped around my back and he stared at me. We were close enough that I could see and appreciate all the lines and contours of his face. My eyes roamed down the bridge of his nose, over his cheek, and along his jaw. He didn't have a ton of facial hair, but what he did have fell in perfect patches on his jaw and chin.
"What?" he asked, seeing me stare at him.
"You," I said.
"What about me?"
"You're making my heart beat fast."
He smiled, which only made matters worse. "How are you doing that?" I asked.
"You've been doing that to me for years," he said. "You've never not done that to me."
"I'm sorry," I said, biting my lip as I thought about what it must be like to have those sort of feelings for someone and not have them returned. I felt like the universe would collapse onto itself if I couldn't have Ryan, and at the same time I knew I didn't deserve him. I had never experienced such mixed emotions in my life.
"Stop thinking so much," he said, squeezing me again to get my attention.
"I can't," I said.
He smiled. "Yes you can."
"How?"
And then it happened.
With no further comment, Ryan leaned down and placed his lips on mine.
I wanted him so badly that I reached up and wrapped my arm around his neck, pulling him desperately toward me. He used his hand on my waist to pull me closer, and I took advantage of whatever he was feeling by opening my mouth to him.
That was all the encouragement Ryan needed. He kissed me deeply, letting his tongue dip into my mouth several times. He put his hands on the side of my face and pulled back far enough to stare at me for a second before kissing me again. He kissed me two, three, four times like he meant
"They're the worst."
"Wynn."
"What?"
"I don't care about the repercussions of this."
I shook my head, feeling terrible for letting him ruin a good relationship for me when I wasn't even worthy of him in the first place.
"Are you sleeping with her?" I asked since my unworthiness was in the forefront of my mind.
He gave me a cautious glance like he didn't know what to make of my question. "No," he said softly but seriously.
I squeezed my eyes shut, feeling flooded with relief and, at the same time, shame.
"What?" he asked, squeezing my waist.
"You," I said. "I'm not the same as you. I'm not good enough for you. I made bad choices, and it's not even like I feel cool or worldly because of them. I just flat-out regret them. I regret giving that piece of myself to someone like that. I feel so happy that you're not with that girl in there, and at the same time, I was living with somebody, someone who wasn't even a nice guy." I paused, shaking my head at the shame I felt. "I really shouldn't let you mess things up with your…" I hesitated, unable to say the word girlfriend . "She's actually really nice," I said. I gave him a sad smile. "I thought I could hate her, but it's sort of impossible."
"Stop talking about her," Ryan said.
"She exists," I said, calling attention to that fact.
"Yeah, but she's not you, Wynn."
I took in his perfect face, thinking about how selfish it would be of me to have him when he deserved so much better.
"We can't," I said.
He shook his head. "It's too late. You promised."
"I didn't promise."
"Yes you did. You said, 'you're wrong if I'm gonna keep you from kissing me'." He scrunched up his face. "Which I'm almost positive means you knew I was about to kiss you, and you were okay with it."
"Yeah, but that was like five minutes ago," I said. "The moment's probably passed by now."
Chapter 13
"What's done cannot be undone." I whispered in those seconds before he kissed me.
The connection we shared was tangible—it was almost as if I could see it in the air between us.
He smiled. "Shakespeare."
I nodded. "Which one?"
"Hamlet. No, wait. You told me that one before. Macbeth. Is it Macbeth?"
I nodded again.
"I promise, I'll have no desire to undo anything." he said.
"How can you be so sure?" I asked.
His arm was still wrapped around my back and he stared at me. We were close enough that I could see and appreciate all the lines and contours of his face. My eyes roamed down the bridge of his nose, over his cheek, and along his jaw. He didn't have a ton of facial hair, but what he did have fell in perfect patches on his jaw and chin.
"What?" he asked, seeing me stare at him.
"You," I said.
"What about me?"
"You're making my heart beat fast."
He smiled, which only made matters worse. "How are you doing that?" I asked.
"You've been doing that to me for years," he said. "You've never not done that to me."
"I'm sorry," I said, biting my lip as I thought about what it must be like to have those sort of feelings for someone and not have them returned. I felt like the universe would collapse onto itself if I couldn't have Ryan, and at the same time I knew I didn't deserve him. I had never experienced such mixed emotions in my life.
"Stop thinking so much," he said, squeezing me again to get my attention.
"I can't," I said.
He smiled. "Yes you can."
"How?"
And then it happened.
With no further comment, Ryan leaned down and placed his lips on mine.
I wanted him so badly that I reached up and wrapped my arm around his neck, pulling him desperately toward me. He used his hand on my waist to pull me closer, and I took advantage of whatever he was feeling by opening my mouth to him.
That was all the encouragement Ryan needed. He kissed me deeply, letting his tongue dip into my mouth several times. He put his hands on the side of my face and pulled back far enough to stare at me for a second before kissing me again. He kissed me two, three, four times like he meant
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