My Favorite Fangs: The Story of the Von Trapp Family Vampires by Alan Goldsher

“I get that a lot,” he said. “So what in the name of Gott are all of you doing in here?”
    Friedrich mumbled, “There’s no Gott .”
    Louisa said, “The storm scared us.”
    The Captain nodded. “Off to bed, wimps. Leave your Governess alone.” As they scurried out, he said to Maria, “Fraulein, you are aware that I’m going on a business trip, yes?”
    Friedrich mumbled, “A business trip with your schvantz .”
    After Maria nodded, von Trapp said, “Good. Do you also recall that one of the edicts of the house is that the children be disciplined early and often?” After she nodded again, he said, “Good. Then I trust before I return, you’ll do some disciplining?”
    Recalling the lump that jutted from Friedrich’s jammies, she said, “Nothing would make me happier.” And then, seemingly out of nowhere, she added, “Just in case Alice forgets to mention this, I’d like to make the kids some more clothes, and for that, I need more fabric.”
    He glared at her. “That fabric was for you. The brats already have plenty of clothes. Thirty sailor suits each, one for every day of the month.”
    She thought, You mean one for every gay of the month . And then she pushed that thought away, because using the word gay to trivialize an inanimate object is rude, and Maria liked to think of herself as a polite Vampire.
    “So no more fabric?”
    “Correct. No more fabric.”
    She shook her head sadly. “Captain von Trapp, I’ll ask you to leave. You’re not one of my favorite things.”
    “You know what, Moronica?”
    “Maria.”
    “I couldn’t care less.” And then he turned on his heel and stomped out of the room.
    Dejected, Maria tore all the fabric to bits, then ate the remnants. Stomach filled, she trudged to the window, seeking solace from the rain, but, much to her chagrin, the downpour had come to a halt, and the sun was taking its rightful place in the sky. “The light was never this bright at the Abbey,” she sighed. “I’ll never enjoy such darkness again. I guess there isn’t a thing to do but whistle a happy tune.”
    The bummed-out Vampire waited for the cry of, Wrong musical, whore, but it never came. This only increased her bummed-out-ed-ness, so she did what she always did when she was feeling blue: Unsheathed her reliable tenor saxophone.
    Was Maria a good saxophonist, one might ask? Considering her Vampire-like powers, one would expect that answer to be a resounding yes, but the fact of the matter was, while she was technically proficient, she lacked the one thing that all saxophonists need to transcend: A soul. Sure, she could let loose with a series of arpeggios that would knock saxophone inventor Adolphe Sax onto his Belgian backside. And sure, she could hold an F-sharp that would send tendrils of smoke from her instrument’s bell. But could she play the blues? Absolutely not. Not even when she was feeling blue. Like right at this very moment.
    Maria tooted a few etudes to warm up her lips and fangs, and then, from the saxophone bell emerged another saxophone bell, followed by another saxophone, followed by another saxophonist: John Coltrane.
    The Vampire dropped her horn and gasped, “Chocolate Thunder! I thought I wouldn’t see you again until the epilogue.”
    “And yet, here I am.”
    She gulped, then reached out to touch the hem of his suit jacket and huskily whispered, “How about a jam session? First I blow. Then you blow. Then I blow. Then you blow. Then…”
    Coltrane gave the Vampire an indulgent chuckle. “Oh, Maria, come talk to me when you can handle a diminished cycle.”
    Sighing, Maria said, “I’m still stuck on my cycle of fifths.”
    Coltrane nodded. “No surprise. Vampires and musical theory don’t get along. But that’s neither here nor there. According to the movie’s timeline, you have some transformations to do, correct?”
    “Movie? Timeline? Transformations?”
    “It’s time to turn those damn brats into Vampires.”
    “Oh. Right. Any