My Favorite Fangs: The Story of the Von Trapp Family Vampires by Alan Goldsher Page A

thoughts on how I might do that?”
    “Well, as you’re well aware, Vampires don’t transform humans if they’re asleep, so…” And then tapped her saxophone.
    Nodding knowingly, Maria took a deep breath, jammed the tenor’s mouthpiece in between her lips, and blew a low and loud E-flat that killed the five innocent bluebirds who had been hovering outside the window.
    Coltrane winced, said, “That ought to do it,” then cocked his ear. “Ah, sure enough, I hear something from the other room. The sound of a boy. The sound of a chunky boy. The sound of a chunky boy awakening. The sound of a chunky boy awakening, then wiping the drool from his face. And the sound of another boy. The sound of a boy who’s, as we say in the jazz world, tuning his clarinet.”
    “That would be Kurt and Friedrich.”
    “And they need transforming.”
    “Yes.”
    “Have you ever transformed young boys before?”
    With a small smile, Maria said, “Only in my dreams, Chocolate Thunder. Only in my dreams.”
    “Well, you should probably know that when you bite a boy’s neck, a yellow acidic bile will jet from his nose and burn a hole in his mattress.”
    “Ooooh,” Maria squealed happily.
    “And a chunky, odoriferous red discharge will flow from your lady-parts and stain the floor.”
    “Oooooooooooooh,” Maria squealed even more happily, then skipped into the boys’ bedroom.
    A quarter of an hour later, after Maria had finished feeding, and after the boys had finished bleeding, Friedrich sat up and grimaced, his new fangs growing—and growing sharper—by the second. He touched his front teeth and asked, “Did you just do what I think you did?”
    “What do you think I did?”
    “I think you turned me into a Vampire.”
    “And I think you’re correct.”
    He cried a single wordless syllable, then punched a hole in the wall.
    Maria blanched. “Oh. My. Did I misread you, Friedrich? I thought this might be something you would enjoy. If that’s the case, I apologize.” She scratched her head. “The problem here is that, well, I am unable to undo what has been done.”
    Another wordless syllable. Another hole in the wall.
    “Friedrich, I’m so sorry. Say something, please!”
    Friedrich’s grimace became a grin. “You have nothing to be sorry about, Governess. My screams are joyful! My punching is a celebration! I can now live forever, and feed in the night, and make passionate love to the Vampire of my dreams.” He made a motion to touch her breasts. “Right?”
    She swatted his hand away and stood up. “Well, Friedrich, now that I think about it, fourteen might be a tad young for me.”
    “But … but … but I shall now be fourteen forever!”
    Maria said, “Riiiiiiight. So. Um. What do you say we touch base on this one in a few decades?”
    He pouted. “At least can you give me some hand relief?”
    She glanced at the imaginary watch on her wrist. “Goodness, look at the time! We must start the day. What’s the best way to awaken your sisters?”
    Sullenly, Friedrich said, “Turn them into Vampires, for all I care.”
    Which is exactly what Maria did.
    Later that morning, while Liesl sharpened her front fangs with a fingernail file, and while Friedrich transformed back and forth from bat to human, and while Kurt wandered around the kitchen looking for something to eat, Louisa, Farta, Brigitta, and Gretl lay on the lawn, staring blankly into outer space, the bite marks on their respective necks trickling a thin stream of blood. After a few minutes, their wounds closed, leaving a shilling-sized splotch, and several minutes after that, they each sat up, at once paler and more beautiful than they had ever been.
    Maria gave the newly undead foursome a benevolent smile. “Welcome, children. Welcome to my family. You’re now in a family that I believe you will find to be more nurturing and fulfilling to you than your own.”
    They said nothing.
    “Now I understand you may be confused,” Maria said, “but