My Favorite Fangs: The Story of the Von Trapp Family Vampires by Alan Goldsher Page B

I’m here to help you. If you have any questions, I’ll answer them. If you need some advice, it shall be given. Think of me as your Mother.”
    With a flat tone, Louisa said, “Our Mother is dead.”
    Maria nodded. “That she is, Louisa, that she is.” She paused, then smiled. “But the good news is that you now have one dead mother, and one undead mother! Now how about you turn those frowns upside down, and let’s go and have some fun.”
    “I don’t like any of this one bit,” Farta said, touching the gash on her neck. “I feel dreadful. So cold. So very, very cold.”
    The bat version of Friedrich touched down directly in front of Farta, then morphed back into the Friedrich version of Friedrich. “You get used to it pretty quickly,” he said. “It’s … nice .”
    Liesl said, “He’s right, Farta. Quit complaining. Embrace it. It isn’t like our life was so exciting before all this.”
    Kurt wandered out the front door, munching on a raw steak. “Liesl has a point. What’s fun for us? Nothing. Father is a drunk. Frau Alice and Alfred are arschlochs …”
    “Especially Frau Alice,” Brigitta said. “Why does she keep calling me Marcia Marcia Marcia?”
    “… and all the shopkeepers in town have guns now,” Kurt continued, “so we have no place left to rob or vandalize. Our clothes make us look like fools. And except for Liesl, none of us have any friends, and her only friend is a nancy-boy…”
    “Rolfe is no longer my friend,” Liesl said, looking in the direction of the destroyed gazebo.
    “… so we should make the most of it,” Kurt continued. “Maria will show us what to do. Right?”
    Maria beamed. “That’s right, Kurt. I love you most of all! Now children, all of you gather ’round! We’re going to show off your new state of being to the world! We shall frolic about the town! How does that sound?”
    Liesl said, “Frolicking? Frolicking? That sounds simply horrible.”
    “I knew you would all love it, I just knew it!” Maria said. After she picked up her saxophone case, she said, “Follow me,” then skipped toward the front gate.
    None of the children moved a muscle. After ten skip-steps, Maria came to a screeching halt. “Are you coming, brats?” she asked.
    Brigitta said, “That depends on where we’re going.”
    “We’re going out and about! Hither and yon! Here and there! And we’re going to sing!”
    Friedrich winced. “Ugh. Why?”
    “Because,” Maria explained, “singing soothes the soul.”
    Gretl raised her hand. “Governess?”
    Maria rolled her eyes and thought, Here we go again . “Yes, Gretl?”
    “I might be mistaken about this—and correct me if I’m wrong—but I believe that Vampires have no souls to soothe.”
    Why did I make her undead when I could have killed her outright? Maria wondered, then took a deep breath, went to her happy place, and said, “We can do things other than sing.”
    “Like what?” Kurt asked.
    “Well, er, frolic.”
    “You mentioned frolicking,” Louisa said, “and nobody was impressed.”
    Friedrich grinned, his fangs shining in the morning sun. “I think we should test out our new Vampire powers. We might need them someday.”
    “That’s foreshadowing if I’ve ever heard it,” Gretl mumbled. The tiny turd was ignored.
    Maria said, “Okay, brats, you win. No singing. Just Vampire exercises.”
    Gretl clapped her hands. “Oh, goody! That’s the best news I’ve ever…”
    Before she could finish her sentence, Liesl shoved her to the ground and said, “Shut it, sunshine.” To Maria, she said, “So which way do we go?”
    “This way,” Maria said, skipping speedily, her saxophone case banging against her legs. The children followed. None of them skipped. Eventually they ended up in the Salzburg business district, a bustling area filled with newfangled automobiles, horse-drawn carriages, and mortals who looked mighty tasty to the von Trapp Vampire brood.
    Gazing hungrily at the masses, Louisa asked