his head of whatever was swirling around it, but something told me that it was more than likely permanent. I couldn’t explain it, something just felt more final.
Chapter Fifteen
Drake
In all honesty, I’m more and more unsure about doing this with each box I load into the car. I know I’m doing the right thing for myself, but am I doing what’s right for Anna and Ayden? I’m breaking their hearts and mine. I can see into the lounge every time I retrieve a box, and I see Ayden still sat in his mom’s arms, with his head nuzzled into her chest and I can hear him crying. As for Anna, she’s sat rubbing Ayden’s back, trying to comfort her son, whilst trying to stop her own heart from breaking. I know it seems like I am being a bastard right now, but in the long run, they’ll see I did this out of love. I love them dearly—I won’t ever stop. But I have to leave. I have to do this because I know if I don’t, Anna will eventually figure it out. She’s smart, she’ll see what I’ve been doing, and she’ll kick me out. I don’t want it to come to that, so I’m leaving before it does.
Anna looks up at me, regarding me wearily, old tears staining her face, fresh ones running like rivers down her cheeks. She’s only just beginning to break. This, believe it or not, is not the worst that will come. She’ll feel worse in the coming days. She’ll try and reason through everything, wanting to know why I left. But she won’t find answers and that will make her feel worse. It makes me seem callous, but I can’t give her the reason I’m leaving. The real reason is far worse than she can imagine. I can’t even admit it out loud to myself, so how I can I expect her to understand? She’d just kick me out if I told her anyway, so ending it like this just makes more sense all round. Or at least I think it does.
Ayden’s head lifts from Anna’s chest and I can see tears streaming down his face, his cheeks are red and his hair is dishevelled from being asleep before coming downstairs to ask for a glass of water. I stopped him on his way back to his room, asked him to come and talk to me and Mommy for a few minutes. He doesn’t deserve me to break his heart. I try my best to assure him that this was in no way his fault. I’m not sure I did a very good job of that. But if there’s one thing I am sure of, it’s that Anna will do her utmost to make Ayden believe it’s got nothing to do with him. It really hasn’t. It’s not Anna’s fault either, but I guess she’ll never believe that. In fact, I would lay money on Anna believing it’s all her fault. She’ll sit there and think about all the things that could possibly have made me do this, but she won’t ever come up with the right reason.
I know Anna will blame herself, and I know if I told her the real reason I’m leaving, she would be able to go on about her life a bit easier. So why the fuck am I not telling her the truth? Because I am a stupid fucking coward. A complete and utter weak, pathetic coward. I’m selfish too. I’m not telling her everything because I don’t want her to know what’s become of her husband. If she knew what I’ve turned into, she would want to know why I let myself get so low. But she’d want to help me too. That’s just the kind of selfless person she is. But she can’t be part of the solution. I have to want this for myself, not just for her and Ayden. I can’t have them as a crutch. I have to be free from this debilitating stone around my neck. I feel like Atlas, with the weight of the world on my shoulders. I’m not sure if I’ll ever stop feeling that way. I can only hope.
I called Jack as I was packing and asked him to come over to drive my car. I gave him the excuse that I’d had a drink and couldn’t drive. Nobody knows why I can’t drive the car myself. I can’t tell them the truth—they just wouldn’t understand. I also haven’t told Jack where I’m going
Chapter Fifteen
Drake
In all honesty, I’m more and more unsure about doing this with each box I load into the car. I know I’m doing the right thing for myself, but am I doing what’s right for Anna and Ayden? I’m breaking their hearts and mine. I can see into the lounge every time I retrieve a box, and I see Ayden still sat in his mom’s arms, with his head nuzzled into her chest and I can hear him crying. As for Anna, she’s sat rubbing Ayden’s back, trying to comfort her son, whilst trying to stop her own heart from breaking. I know it seems like I am being a bastard right now, but in the long run, they’ll see I did this out of love. I love them dearly—I won’t ever stop. But I have to leave. I have to do this because I know if I don’t, Anna will eventually figure it out. She’s smart, she’ll see what I’ve been doing, and she’ll kick me out. I don’t want it to come to that, so I’m leaving before it does.
Anna looks up at me, regarding me wearily, old tears staining her face, fresh ones running like rivers down her cheeks. She’s only just beginning to break. This, believe it or not, is not the worst that will come. She’ll feel worse in the coming days. She’ll try and reason through everything, wanting to know why I left. But she won’t find answers and that will make her feel worse. It makes me seem callous, but I can’t give her the reason I’m leaving. The real reason is far worse than she can imagine. I can’t even admit it out loud to myself, so how I can I expect her to understand? She’d just kick me out if I told her anyway, so ending it like this just makes more sense all round. Or at least I think it does.
Ayden’s head lifts from Anna’s chest and I can see tears streaming down his face, his cheeks are red and his hair is dishevelled from being asleep before coming downstairs to ask for a glass of water. I stopped him on his way back to his room, asked him to come and talk to me and Mommy for a few minutes. He doesn’t deserve me to break his heart. I try my best to assure him that this was in no way his fault. I’m not sure I did a very good job of that. But if there’s one thing I am sure of, it’s that Anna will do her utmost to make Ayden believe it’s got nothing to do with him. It really hasn’t. It’s not Anna’s fault either, but I guess she’ll never believe that. In fact, I would lay money on Anna believing it’s all her fault. She’ll sit there and think about all the things that could possibly have made me do this, but she won’t ever come up with the right reason.
I know Anna will blame herself, and I know if I told her the real reason I’m leaving, she would be able to go on about her life a bit easier. So why the fuck am I not telling her the truth? Because I am a stupid fucking coward. A complete and utter weak, pathetic coward. I’m selfish too. I’m not telling her everything because I don’t want her to know what’s become of her husband. If she knew what I’ve turned into, she would want to know why I let myself get so low. But she’d want to help me too. That’s just the kind of selfless person she is. But she can’t be part of the solution. I have to want this for myself, not just for her and Ayden. I can’t have them as a crutch. I have to be free from this debilitating stone around my neck. I feel like Atlas, with the weight of the world on my shoulders. I’m not sure if I’ll ever stop feeling that way. I can only hope.
I called Jack as I was packing and asked him to come over to drive my car. I gave him the excuse that I’d had a drink and couldn’t drive. Nobody knows why I can’t drive the car myself. I can’t tell them the truth—they just wouldn’t understand. I also haven’t told Jack where I’m going
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