havin’ her boy home for the last few days. Work keeps her busy, but I know she’s lonely livin’ in a big city without many friends. She moved to Lexington after she left Dad so she could be close to my family, then after the fire I left her here to return to Williamstown. It wasn’t intentional, but I was literally suffocatin’ in Lexington. Too many constant reminders of what I’d lost. With the old man’s ailing health it only made sense that I move in with him to find myself or at least the part of me that I’d lost.
Each day as Momma readied herself for work she’d ask what my plans were for the day although my answer hasn’t changed all week: not much. She’d smile, payin’ no mind to me and head out the door. At dinner she’d make idle conversation asking about the diner, how my friends were doin’,anything she could think of to dance her way around what she really wanted to ask – why I was really here. I’d change the subject from me to her, anything to get her mind away from mine. I could tell she was carryin’ a heavy weight of worry for me, but she knows I’m the strong silent type who does better at workin’ my emotions out all on my own.
Today she began to grow antsy, filled with worry. She knew I was torn she just didn’t know why. Mommas have that greater intuition; they know when their children are battlin’ somethin’ greater than the strength they have to defend themselves with. No sooner than she set the food on the table and I planted my ass in the chair she started in, not letting up until I told her what I was strugglin’ with.
It wasn’t an easy conversation to have, but I gave her every thought that crossed my mind without hindrance. I didn’t realize just how heavy my heart was until I spoke the words. I’ve carried the pain for so long, wearing it as a second skin, that unleashing it all somehow gives me lucidity over the situation.
“Luke, you weren’t given an easy life to live by any means. But battling the hand you were dealt is what gave you the strength to persevere. After Alyson and Sawyer passed away, I was so worried that you’d let yourself slip into a nasty addiction, ya know – drinkin’ ya life away like your daddy has.” She clasps her small hand over mine, squeezin’ gently as she gathers the words. “But baby, what you’re doin’ is none too healthy either. You’re drownin’ in your own sorrows. You can’t change the past, so stop lookin’ over your shoulder at it constantly. It’s okay to move on, Luke. Alyson would want you to be happy.”
“Momma, I ain’t tryin’ to live in the past, but tryin’ to keep the past alive in me. I feel guilty for wantin’ something I know I don’t deserve. I feel like I’m dishonorin’ my love for Alyson and Sawyer by movin’ forward.” I whisper, hangin’ my head in shame.
“Ya know, Savannah sounds like a charmin’ young lady. I know she has something special about her or your eyes wouldn’t twinkle when you talk about her.”
“Momma.” I warn, beggin’ her to drop it. I know what I want, I know what I need. But I know it’s well out of reach.
“Son, you listen to ya momma. Good things come to those who wait. I understand Savannah’s situation, but I also understand yours. You need to figure out if what you’re feelin’ is real, or if it’s empathy for her plight.”
“Is that what it sounds like? That I’m feelin’ things outta empathy?”
“No, baby. It sounds like you’ve fallen for a woman you saw was hurtin’ and now you’re runnin’ scared, high on fear. Don’t do that, Luke. Be her hero.”
I know she’s right, but her advice is hard to swallow. Although I physically ain’t done much of nothin’ this last week, mentally all gears have been churnin’ at Mach speed. I guess I had it all figured out already, but sometimes you need someone else to put everything into perspective.
I miss Savannah and I’ve been worried sick ‘bout her all week. I’m
Each day as Momma readied herself for work she’d ask what my plans were for the day although my answer hasn’t changed all week: not much. She’d smile, payin’ no mind to me and head out the door. At dinner she’d make idle conversation asking about the diner, how my friends were doin’,anything she could think of to dance her way around what she really wanted to ask – why I was really here. I’d change the subject from me to her, anything to get her mind away from mine. I could tell she was carryin’ a heavy weight of worry for me, but she knows I’m the strong silent type who does better at workin’ my emotions out all on my own.
Today she began to grow antsy, filled with worry. She knew I was torn she just didn’t know why. Mommas have that greater intuition; they know when their children are battlin’ somethin’ greater than the strength they have to defend themselves with. No sooner than she set the food on the table and I planted my ass in the chair she started in, not letting up until I told her what I was strugglin’ with.
It wasn’t an easy conversation to have, but I gave her every thought that crossed my mind without hindrance. I didn’t realize just how heavy my heart was until I spoke the words. I’ve carried the pain for so long, wearing it as a second skin, that unleashing it all somehow gives me lucidity over the situation.
“Luke, you weren’t given an easy life to live by any means. But battling the hand you were dealt is what gave you the strength to persevere. After Alyson and Sawyer passed away, I was so worried that you’d let yourself slip into a nasty addiction, ya know – drinkin’ ya life away like your daddy has.” She clasps her small hand over mine, squeezin’ gently as she gathers the words. “But baby, what you’re doin’ is none too healthy either. You’re drownin’ in your own sorrows. You can’t change the past, so stop lookin’ over your shoulder at it constantly. It’s okay to move on, Luke. Alyson would want you to be happy.”
“Momma, I ain’t tryin’ to live in the past, but tryin’ to keep the past alive in me. I feel guilty for wantin’ something I know I don’t deserve. I feel like I’m dishonorin’ my love for Alyson and Sawyer by movin’ forward.” I whisper, hangin’ my head in shame.
“Ya know, Savannah sounds like a charmin’ young lady. I know she has something special about her or your eyes wouldn’t twinkle when you talk about her.”
“Momma.” I warn, beggin’ her to drop it. I know what I want, I know what I need. But I know it’s well out of reach.
“Son, you listen to ya momma. Good things come to those who wait. I understand Savannah’s situation, but I also understand yours. You need to figure out if what you’re feelin’ is real, or if it’s empathy for her plight.”
“Is that what it sounds like? That I’m feelin’ things outta empathy?”
“No, baby. It sounds like you’ve fallen for a woman you saw was hurtin’ and now you’re runnin’ scared, high on fear. Don’t do that, Luke. Be her hero.”
I know she’s right, but her advice is hard to swallow. Although I physically ain’t done much of nothin’ this last week, mentally all gears have been churnin’ at Mach speed. I guess I had it all figured out already, but sometimes you need someone else to put everything into perspective.
I miss Savannah and I’ve been worried sick ‘bout her all week. I’m
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