in that mood.
â Bullshit. Weâre put on earth for one reason.
âThis isnât earth. This is a urinal.
â Get me in her mouth. Do whatever it takes. Thatâs all I ask of you.
ââAll I Ask of You.â That was in Phantom of the Opera . Streisand sang it.
â You fucking pussy.
âJust trying to do a job here.
â I mean, have you checked her equipment?
âMmmm.
â The lips on her? Dual air bags, amigo. So ripe theyâre about to burst. And the softness. That color. Can you imagine how good Iâd look wearing those lips as a sombrero? O-fucking-lay!
âYouâre Ballparking again.
â I need, I need.
âIâm laying the groundwork.
â Lay the girl.
âJump her?
â I would.
âYouâre a dick.
â I will never ask you for anything again.
âWrong. Youâll keep asking again and again. Youâre never happy.
â Iâm only human.
âNothingâs happening here. Sheâs going to think Iâm stroking you.
â Would you? Itâll only take a sec.
âNot appropriate.
â Bitchtalk.
âItâs a womanâs world. We play by their rules.
â Take her.
âCalm down. Barbara Bush.
â Ow. No.
âHillary Clinton.
â Ugh.
âCamryn Manheim. Rosie OâDonnell. Oprah.
â Uma.
âOprah.
â Uma!
âThatâs it. Liza Minnelli.
â You win. You fucker.
âAhh. Thanks.
Â
Tinkle, tinkle little stud.
Â
âAnyway, I canât just jump her. What if I get slammed?
â Failure is not an option.
âYouâre quoting Ron Howard movies?
â He did Night Shift.
âShelley Long.
â That scene in her panties.
âYouâre Ballparking.
â Her ass when sheâs reaching over the counter.
âBallpark. Stop it. Bea Arthur. Nancy Reagan.
â Jackie Kennedy !
âJackie Mason.
â Faggot.
âIt worked.
â The only constant is acting like a man.
âYou have to be smart.
â A man doesnât need brains. He needs balls.
âYou need brains to earn money to spend on her.
â Stephen Hawking has brains. Hugh Hefner has balls. Whoâd you rather be?
âYou have too much balls, you wind up in prison, then youâre somebodyâs girlfriend.
â Do not fuck it up.
âDoing my best.
â Your best? Like that time with Sabrina Klein?
âI know.
â You had her right there.
âI was being a gentleman.
â On her couch. In her bathrobe. She put her head on your shoulder.
âShe was sick.
â Youâre sick.
âIâm supposed to take advantage of a girl whoâs been in bed all weekend?
â Her head. Your shoulder. The body on her. I would have gotten so deep in her I would have tickled her liver.
âI figured it would pay off in the long run. Being trustworthy.
â Trust, yeah. Thatâs fine. If you want to be her sister.
âShe might have just slapped me.
â Her head. Your shoulder.
âYou canât tell with girls. Sometimes theyâre offended if you make it a sex thing.
â Everythingâs a sex thing.
âTo you, maybe.
â I am the most powerful force in the universe.
âWhat about God?
â Yeah, but I actually exist.
âHow did I miss with Sabrina?
â How close was the belt of her robe to your hand? One fucking tug would have done it.
âOh God. Angela Lansbury. Ethel Merman. Jean Stapleton. Janet Reno.
â Okay, okay. Weâll talk later.
âWhen?
â About ten seconds after you get home.
âRight, buddy, done. Time for me to tuck you in.
â You are not my friend.
Â
Back in the bar, John has wandered off. Julia hasnât. Whatâs her last name?
âBrouillard,â she says, taking a puff of her Camel Light.
âFrench, huh?â I say.
â Un peu ,â she says, exhaling.
âSo whatâd your
â Bullshit. Weâre put on earth for one reason.
âThis isnât earth. This is a urinal.
â Get me in her mouth. Do whatever it takes. Thatâs all I ask of you.
ââAll I Ask of You.â That was in Phantom of the Opera . Streisand sang it.
â You fucking pussy.
âJust trying to do a job here.
â I mean, have you checked her equipment?
âMmmm.
â The lips on her? Dual air bags, amigo. So ripe theyâre about to burst. And the softness. That color. Can you imagine how good Iâd look wearing those lips as a sombrero? O-fucking-lay!
âYouâre Ballparking again.
â I need, I need.
âIâm laying the groundwork.
â Lay the girl.
âJump her?
â I would.
âYouâre a dick.
â I will never ask you for anything again.
âWrong. Youâll keep asking again and again. Youâre never happy.
â Iâm only human.
âNothingâs happening here. Sheâs going to think Iâm stroking you.
â Would you? Itâll only take a sec.
âNot appropriate.
â Bitchtalk.
âItâs a womanâs world. We play by their rules.
â Take her.
âCalm down. Barbara Bush.
â Ow. No.
âHillary Clinton.
â Ugh.
âCamryn Manheim. Rosie OâDonnell. Oprah.
â Uma.
âOprah.
â Uma!
âThatâs it. Liza Minnelli.
â You win. You fucker.
âAhh. Thanks.
Â
Tinkle, tinkle little stud.
Â
âAnyway, I canât just jump her. What if I get slammed?
â Failure is not an option.
âYouâre quoting Ron Howard movies?
â He did Night Shift.
âShelley Long.
â That scene in her panties.
âYouâre Ballparking.
â Her ass when sheâs reaching over the counter.
âBallpark. Stop it. Bea Arthur. Nancy Reagan.
â Jackie Kennedy !
âJackie Mason.
â Faggot.
âIt worked.
â The only constant is acting like a man.
âYou have to be smart.
â A man doesnât need brains. He needs balls.
âYou need brains to earn money to spend on her.
â Stephen Hawking has brains. Hugh Hefner has balls. Whoâd you rather be?
âYou have too much balls, you wind up in prison, then youâre somebodyâs girlfriend.
â Do not fuck it up.
âDoing my best.
â Your best? Like that time with Sabrina Klein?
âI know.
â You had her right there.
âI was being a gentleman.
â On her couch. In her bathrobe. She put her head on your shoulder.
âShe was sick.
â Youâre sick.
âIâm supposed to take advantage of a girl whoâs been in bed all weekend?
â Her head. Your shoulder. The body on her. I would have gotten so deep in her I would have tickled her liver.
âI figured it would pay off in the long run. Being trustworthy.
â Trust, yeah. Thatâs fine. If you want to be her sister.
âShe might have just slapped me.
â Her head. Your shoulder.
âYou canât tell with girls. Sometimes theyâre offended if you make it a sex thing.
â Everythingâs a sex thing.
âTo you, maybe.
â I am the most powerful force in the universe.
âWhat about God?
â Yeah, but I actually exist.
âHow did I miss with Sabrina?
â How close was the belt of her robe to your hand? One fucking tug would have done it.
âOh God. Angela Lansbury. Ethel Merman. Jean Stapleton. Janet Reno.
â Okay, okay. Weâll talk later.
âWhen?
â About ten seconds after you get home.
âRight, buddy, done. Time for me to tuck you in.
â You are not my friend.
Â
Back in the bar, John has wandered off. Julia hasnât. Whatâs her last name?
âBrouillard,â she says, taking a puff of her Camel Light.
âFrench, huh?â I say.
â Un peu ,â she says, exhaling.
âSo whatâd your
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