existence
Is in your hands.
You hold me,
My soul, my heart, my all.
Four words slipped from my lips
Changing our existence,
I love you.
Always.
We became one
Forever
I love you.
Always.”
My heart doesn’t break, but for the first time it swells, knowing Josh loved me until his last breath.
Adam
Two hours before we have to go to the airport to join the rest of the band in Seattle, I leave Dee and Josie in our condo with Hayley and Max so that I can go to the cemetery to visit Josh. While I come here at least once when I’m in town, it isn’t enough. I pull the weeds growing around the gravestone, and only when I’m satisfied do I sit down so I can talk to Josh. It’s a good thing he can’t reach me from where he’s at, because I’m sure he’d beat my ass after he hears what I’m gonna tell him.
“I’m in love with your girl, brother,” I tell him and welcome a blow to my face, but continue when my best friend’s ghost remains silent. “I’ve loved her for as long as you have, but I don’t think it’s gonna be enough. She doesn’t want me, she wants you, and you left her broken. For as long as I live I’ll hate you for that, and I’ll hate myself for not having saved you to save her.
“I’m trying though, and I’ll keep tryin’. But, fuck me, I feel like I’m drowning here. She’s all I think about. And then when I’m thinkin’ of her, you pop in my head. I hurt so bad from wanting her and from not wantin’ to want her. I don’t know how to let either of you go.”
I sit quietly for a moment, hoping for some clarity. When none comes, I pull out a picture of Josie and rest it against the headstone. I place my fingers to my lips and then over Josh’s name. It’s unbelievable how one person could leave so many broken souls in his wake.
Twenty years old
“He’s pretty incredible.” Dee sits down next to me and I see her eyes on Josh. They’re always only on Josh. He’s all she sees, and she’s all he sees.
They’re good together. They create a sort of music of their own and sometimes it feels like no one else is entitled to know the lyrics of their specific song. I guess love should be like that; just the two of them.
“I’m gonna spend the rest of my life with him.”
I look at her smiling face and smile back. I don’t doubt it. If two people were ever meant to be together it was Josh and Dee.
“Quit lookin’ at my girl.” Josh slaps my back before handing me a beer.
“Tell her to quit looking so pretty and I won’t have to keep looking at her.” I take a swig of my beer, pushing the jealousy and bitterness into the pit of my stomach.
“Nah.” He kisses Dee on the side of her lips and she laughs. “I like her pretty. And I’ll be carryin’ a picture of that pretty face while we’re on tour.”
“I’m gonna miss you,” she pouts. “I mean, I’m happy you’re going and how big Wasted Circle is gonna get, but I’m gonna miss you.”
Josh pulls her to him and closes his eyes as he breathes her in.
“I love you, Dee,” he whispers, and I look away. “Never forget that. You’re the best part of my life.”
Funny, she’s the best part of my life, too. Only I get to say it quietly.
I leave them to their declarations of love while I walk towards a pretty little blonde who’s been watching me. She licks her lips when I smile at her, so I sit next to her and buy her a drink. I’ll get lost in a stranger’s arms tonight, which is pretty fan-fuckin’-tastic if you ask me.
After a few shots, the blonde and I stumble out of the bar and mutually agree to take our adventure a step further as we stagger towards a nearby playground. It’s dark, but the danger of being caught excites the blonde to the point that I’m sure she’s wet long before I touch her.
I lay her on the slide, caressing her skin with my fingers, but not my lips. I slide her pants down and touch her – yep, she’s already wet. She moans and leans her body towards
Is in your hands.
You hold me,
My soul, my heart, my all.
Four words slipped from my lips
Changing our existence,
I love you.
Always.
We became one
Forever
I love you.
Always.”
My heart doesn’t break, but for the first time it swells, knowing Josh loved me until his last breath.
Adam
Two hours before we have to go to the airport to join the rest of the band in Seattle, I leave Dee and Josie in our condo with Hayley and Max so that I can go to the cemetery to visit Josh. While I come here at least once when I’m in town, it isn’t enough. I pull the weeds growing around the gravestone, and only when I’m satisfied do I sit down so I can talk to Josh. It’s a good thing he can’t reach me from where he’s at, because I’m sure he’d beat my ass after he hears what I’m gonna tell him.
“I’m in love with your girl, brother,” I tell him and welcome a blow to my face, but continue when my best friend’s ghost remains silent. “I’ve loved her for as long as you have, but I don’t think it’s gonna be enough. She doesn’t want me, she wants you, and you left her broken. For as long as I live I’ll hate you for that, and I’ll hate myself for not having saved you to save her.
“I’m trying though, and I’ll keep tryin’. But, fuck me, I feel like I’m drowning here. She’s all I think about. And then when I’m thinkin’ of her, you pop in my head. I hurt so bad from wanting her and from not wantin’ to want her. I don’t know how to let either of you go.”
I sit quietly for a moment, hoping for some clarity. When none comes, I pull out a picture of Josie and rest it against the headstone. I place my fingers to my lips and then over Josh’s name. It’s unbelievable how one person could leave so many broken souls in his wake.
Twenty years old
“He’s pretty incredible.” Dee sits down next to me and I see her eyes on Josh. They’re always only on Josh. He’s all she sees, and she’s all he sees.
They’re good together. They create a sort of music of their own and sometimes it feels like no one else is entitled to know the lyrics of their specific song. I guess love should be like that; just the two of them.
“I’m gonna spend the rest of my life with him.”
I look at her smiling face and smile back. I don’t doubt it. If two people were ever meant to be together it was Josh and Dee.
“Quit lookin’ at my girl.” Josh slaps my back before handing me a beer.
“Tell her to quit looking so pretty and I won’t have to keep looking at her.” I take a swig of my beer, pushing the jealousy and bitterness into the pit of my stomach.
“Nah.” He kisses Dee on the side of her lips and she laughs. “I like her pretty. And I’ll be carryin’ a picture of that pretty face while we’re on tour.”
“I’m gonna miss you,” she pouts. “I mean, I’m happy you’re going and how big Wasted Circle is gonna get, but I’m gonna miss you.”
Josh pulls her to him and closes his eyes as he breathes her in.
“I love you, Dee,” he whispers, and I look away. “Never forget that. You’re the best part of my life.”
Funny, she’s the best part of my life, too. Only I get to say it quietly.
I leave them to their declarations of love while I walk towards a pretty little blonde who’s been watching me. She licks her lips when I smile at her, so I sit next to her and buy her a drink. I’ll get lost in a stranger’s arms tonight, which is pretty fan-fuckin’-tastic if you ask me.
After a few shots, the blonde and I stumble out of the bar and mutually agree to take our adventure a step further as we stagger towards a nearby playground. It’s dark, but the danger of being caught excites the blonde to the point that I’m sure she’s wet long before I touch her.
I lay her on the slide, caressing her skin with my fingers, but not my lips. I slide her pants down and touch her – yep, she’s already wet. She moans and leans her body towards
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