Lost and Found: Finding Hope in the Detours of Life by T. D. Jakes, Sarah Jakes Page A

pressure.
    He expected nothing from me and I appreciated that, because it was easier than having to admit that I was afraid of failing. It is, in my opinion, the same reason why the cliché that misery loves company rings so true. When you are surrounded by happy people, they expect you to be happy. Miserable people don’t expect you to be anything other than miserable.
    When two people are broken when they meet, like Robert and I were, they aren’t looking for someone to make them better. They just want to connect with someone who doesn’t expect them to be anything other than broken. Sure, I had plans on healing, and maybe, if I was strong enough, I could help him heal, too. But right then, in the moment, I didn’t want our relationship to be anything other than two broken people searching for the bridge to healing.
    We both had the same goal of outrunning our pasts and creating a better future. So we bonded over our dreams, pain, fear, and disappointment. I knew his reputation, but I knew mine, too. I didn’t care what others thought about him because I knew what those people would say about me.
    A week before the semester ended, I called Robert to see if we could hang out. He told me that he couldn’t because he was packing to move out of his dorm . . .
    . . . and into an apartment with his fiancée.

5 Complications
    I SHOULD’VE BACKED away.
    “Your fiancée?” I asked, trying not to lose it.
    “It’s sort of complicated,” Robert said. “She’ll deal, you’ll see.”
    Between my friend Danielle’s warnings and Robert’s abrupt decision to move into an apartment with a fiancée he had never once mentioned, I should’ve run and never looked back. Instead, I continued to see him as if nothing had happened. I was dating an engaged man. I thought that if I played the supportive friend role, he would see that I was the one he should be with. I made a conscious decision, and hurt another woman in order to pursue a man who could not see my worth, regardless of how much of me I gave him.
    I’ve pondered whether or not to fully admit this truth to the world because it would’ve been so easy to just play the victim. I could say that I was a good girl who did all the right things, gave my all to my dream man, only to end up devastated. However, I know the truth and recognize my part in what happened. I know with certaintythat such a story is too real for so many women. And I could never diminish their pain to protect my name.
    I also know that my story is not unique. For quite a few women who are broken and ashamed, like I’ve been, we actively play a role in hurting another woman just so a man can validate us. Piece by piece we give ourselves away, hoping that each piece will amount to enough to make us special to him. Whether it’s our finances, our bodies, our ideas, or our reputations, we find ourselves giving everything we have away.
    Eventually we settle and begin to believe that maybe this is the best that life has to offer us. We hear horror story after horror story of relationships gone awry, and we decide that the whole world is settling so we might as well, too. Somewhere along the way we lose the belief in fairy tales, let alone mature love, and settle for something we’d never wish for our own daughters, yet somehow become content to have for ourselves.
    It’s not to say that a relationship with the right person doesn’t take a lot of work. While I am certainly no expert on love or relationships, I believe that marriage with the right person is worth the investment. I still believe in the kind of love and marriage that has more good days than bad. I still believe that marriage is supposed to be a reflection of Christ’s love for the church. And marriage, like the church, becomes more complicated when you begin intermixing different opinions and personalities. But still, despite life’s complicated dynamics, I believe that with both church and marriage it’s possible to have more love than