Living With Regret by Lisa de Jong

calm me but without the drowsiness. “It’s nice just to be out here. Almost like the last five years never happened.”
    “But they did,” he says softly, brushing the hair from my face.
    “And up until that last day, they were all worth it. Even though I lost him.”
    I haven’t talked about Cory much since that day in the cemetery. I think my parents believe that the sadness and misery will all go away if we don’t talk about it. That may be true, for them, but some days I feel it all building up, weighing heavier on my chest. All I’ve really needed is to talk about it, bring it to the surface. That’s what we all need when we’re drowning.
    “I’m here if you need me,” he says, leaning back on his elbows. The position showcases the muscles in his arms and his strong chest. It would be so easy to fall against him and cry a puddle of tears on his blue T-shirt, but it doesn’t feel right. For so long it was Cory’s responsibility to catch me when I fell … I’m not ready to let go of that. Sometimes I wonder if I ever will be.
    Sam’s eyes never leave mine. He surveys me like one might an abstract painting, but I hide behind the lines. Sometimes it’s easier that way, but I know it won’t take Sam long to figure me out. He sees the shapes of my emotion and the color of my heart. He sees all of me.
    I lie back on the blanket, tucking my hands under my head. A breeze blows overhead, but it feels good against my damp skin. “I miss him,” I whisper, swallowing the lump in my throat.
    “What do you miss most?”
    Surprised, I turn my head, looking up at him. “You don’t really want to hear this, do you? You weren’t exactly his biggest fan.”
    “If it’s going to help you, I do.”
    I look back up, getting an eyeful of the green leaves that grow on the mature trees that surround us. With Sam, I’ve always opened up. He’s heard my thoughts and feelings and never judged me for anything.
    Bringing my eyes back down, I see the sincerity in his eyes. He really wants to hear this … to help me through the fog I’ve been lost in. I swallow down the lump in my throat and let the words trickle out. “His smile. It always made things better, and now, things are as bad as they’ve ever been, and I don’t have the one thing I need to fix it.”
    “Do you remember the day when we first ran into each other out here?”
    I nod, waiting to hear what this has to do with Cory.
    “Dad and I had just moved here, and I thought this place was hell. I never thought I’d be happy or any semblance of it … until we started meeting out here. Sometimes you just need someone to show you that there’s more than one right way to live your life. More than one way to be content.”
    “I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately, and I don’t think that can happen for me until I let go of my old life,” I reply, pulling my hair between my fingers. “I feel like everything around me fell apart, and I have nothing to pick up the pieces with.”
    He uses his finger to lift my chin, allowing me to look nowhere but at him. “I promise you, it’ll get better. I’ll make it better.”
    “Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Sam.”
    His finger drops from my chin, and his thumb brushes against my cheek. The way he looks at me reminds me so much of that day out here before the start of my freshman year … when I thought he was going to kiss me. “I’m not. I plan on keeping this one.”
    He shifts his eyes between mine, but the only way I can respond is to cross my arms over my chest and look out onto the water. His intensity, the hint of lust in his stare, are too much for me right now. Besides that, I don’t have the heart to tell him that it may not be him who doesn’t follow through on his promise … I may not let him fix this because it’s what I deserve.
    “Do you remember when we used to get our feet wet by sticking them in the creek?” I ask, needing a change in subject.
    “Yeah.” His eyebrow