you make our burgers authentic! Because everything is totally authentic here at The Rainforest Cafe. Meanwhile, there’s a fucking animatronic gorilla over there about to catch fire.”
“Would you like to go somewhere else?”
“Nah, I’m good. Hey! Ya know what I was thinking?” I ask.
“Oh lord, I can only imagine. What, Archie? What were you thinking?”
“You remember that show Hunky Vampires of the Hollywood Hills?”
“Yes, of course I remember it. I was the one who told you about it. Remember?”
“Oh yeah. Well anyway, after the Brad Jackson case, I read up all about it, just out of idle curiosity.”
“Okay…?”
“Well, Brad’s character was a vampire, yeah?”
“Yes…”
“And him and that werewolfy, shirtless fella were fighting over the love of that dead-eyed shitty actress chick, right?”
“So far so good. Where ya going with this one?”
“I’m wondering. So Dead-eyed Shitty Actress Chick ends up choosing Brad Jackson’s vampire fellow and getting impregnated by him. You with me so far.”
“Yes, I am familiar with the story, remember?”
“Okay, here’s my question. Brad is a vampire. He is dead. He has no heartbeat, no pulse. He has no blood pulsing through his veins. So how, I ask you, was he able to get the boner needed to impregnate the girl?”
Elise stared at me, mouth slightly agape for what seemed like minutes. When she finally spoke up, it was not with an answer to my question. “I’m going to need another drink.”
When we were finished eating we returned to our drab security room. Mulroney had stopped in to check on us and see if we had any new leads. We didn’t. He reminded us that the clock was ticking on Balls’s room being unoccupied. We thanked him and got back to work staring at our monitors.
It was time to start eliminating some people. First thing we looked for this time was any staff members traveling in a pack of two. We struck out on that quite quickly. The only staffers in packs of two were women. Rather petite women at that. They posed no threat. Only six times during the entire three hours was a cart of food brought up to one of the floors on Leslie’s elevator, and all six times the men bringing the food returned minutes later completely empty handed.
“Maybe,” Elise said, “just maybe, someone finished their breakfast and pushed their cart out into the hallway, then someone attacked Leslie, knocked her out and hid her in one of the carts and got her later.”
“Maybe, but the cart would still have to come down the elevator, and none have. Plus, look at the carts.” I freeze framed on a busboy pushing someone’s breakfast into the elevator. “The carts have no bottom shelf. It’s pretty much a moving table.”
“Then why didn’t we realize that the first time we saw this and rule out this possibility all together?”
“Because we are exhausted and our eyes are going blurry from staring at these goddamn things for too long.” I let out a rather loud, frustrated grunt and slammed my fist on the table in front of me, sending our empty cans crashing to the ground below.
“We don’t have to do this, ya know?” Elise said, as she reached over to rub my back with her left hand.
“Yes, we do. Yes, we do. We can’t let rapists go free. You know this. You would never let it go, either. I don’t even know this woman but I feel some connection to her. An obligation to make things right. I want to catch these fuckers more than anything I’ve wanted in a long time.” I closed my eyes and lowered my head. (There’s one thing I want more, actually.) I opened my eyes and looked at Elise. She smiled at me. I returned one of my own.
We went back to the cameras.
“So, what exactly are we looking for?” I asked.
“Let’s see,” Elise answered. “Two men. Spoke English. That’s all we’ve got.”
“Wow, that’s great. I think I saw those two guys earlier. Ugh! So pretty much the only people we can immediately cross off
“Would you like to go somewhere else?”
“Nah, I’m good. Hey! Ya know what I was thinking?” I ask.
“Oh lord, I can only imagine. What, Archie? What were you thinking?”
“You remember that show Hunky Vampires of the Hollywood Hills?”
“Yes, of course I remember it. I was the one who told you about it. Remember?”
“Oh yeah. Well anyway, after the Brad Jackson case, I read up all about it, just out of idle curiosity.”
“Okay…?”
“Well, Brad’s character was a vampire, yeah?”
“Yes…”
“And him and that werewolfy, shirtless fella were fighting over the love of that dead-eyed shitty actress chick, right?”
“So far so good. Where ya going with this one?”
“I’m wondering. So Dead-eyed Shitty Actress Chick ends up choosing Brad Jackson’s vampire fellow and getting impregnated by him. You with me so far.”
“Yes, I am familiar with the story, remember?”
“Okay, here’s my question. Brad is a vampire. He is dead. He has no heartbeat, no pulse. He has no blood pulsing through his veins. So how, I ask you, was he able to get the boner needed to impregnate the girl?”
Elise stared at me, mouth slightly agape for what seemed like minutes. When she finally spoke up, it was not with an answer to my question. “I’m going to need another drink.”
When we were finished eating we returned to our drab security room. Mulroney had stopped in to check on us and see if we had any new leads. We didn’t. He reminded us that the clock was ticking on Balls’s room being unoccupied. We thanked him and got back to work staring at our monitors.
It was time to start eliminating some people. First thing we looked for this time was any staff members traveling in a pack of two. We struck out on that quite quickly. The only staffers in packs of two were women. Rather petite women at that. They posed no threat. Only six times during the entire three hours was a cart of food brought up to one of the floors on Leslie’s elevator, and all six times the men bringing the food returned minutes later completely empty handed.
“Maybe,” Elise said, “just maybe, someone finished their breakfast and pushed their cart out into the hallway, then someone attacked Leslie, knocked her out and hid her in one of the carts and got her later.”
“Maybe, but the cart would still have to come down the elevator, and none have. Plus, look at the carts.” I freeze framed on a busboy pushing someone’s breakfast into the elevator. “The carts have no bottom shelf. It’s pretty much a moving table.”
“Then why didn’t we realize that the first time we saw this and rule out this possibility all together?”
“Because we are exhausted and our eyes are going blurry from staring at these goddamn things for too long.” I let out a rather loud, frustrated grunt and slammed my fist on the table in front of me, sending our empty cans crashing to the ground below.
“We don’t have to do this, ya know?” Elise said, as she reached over to rub my back with her left hand.
“Yes, we do. Yes, we do. We can’t let rapists go free. You know this. You would never let it go, either. I don’t even know this woman but I feel some connection to her. An obligation to make things right. I want to catch these fuckers more than anything I’ve wanted in a long time.” I closed my eyes and lowered my head. (There’s one thing I want more, actually.) I opened my eyes and looked at Elise. She smiled at me. I returned one of my own.
We went back to the cameras.
“So, what exactly are we looking for?” I asked.
“Let’s see,” Elise answered. “Two men. Spoke English. That’s all we’ve got.”
“Wow, that’s great. I think I saw those two guys earlier. Ugh! So pretty much the only people we can immediately cross off
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