Laugh Lines: Conversations With Comedians by Corey Andrew, Kathleen Madigan, Jimmy Valentine, Kevin Duncan, Joe Anders, Dave Kirk Page B
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the tuna boat. You never know. I’m like, ‘OK, I gotta hit the dykes more.’ I get so offended when women say, ‘You should make fun of men more.’ ‘OK, the 8,700 other hacky, crappy comics don’t do that enough for you? You fucking whore bag, now go home and get knocked up again like that’s a freakin talent.’ Oh yeah, make fun of men. I hate that shit. I also don’t like when someone comes up and says, ‘Yeah, you should make fun of white people more.’ ‘Yeah, here’s what I have to say to you. I make fun of faggots and that’s always white. I always make fun of bald people. That’s white. And fat people, that’s white and old people. That’s white.’ I make sure all my sub-groups are white people so they can’t bitch. What are you really gonna say about a white person? ‘Oh, how you doing bank president.’ We have jobs. We work. What’s there to say about us? Next. Did you like ‘Sex in the City?’
Corey: Of course.
Lisa: Did you like Mario Cantone on it? When they were looking at the wedding dresses and he’d go, ‘Next!’ and Charlotte would go, ‘I don’t think I liked …’ ‘Hated it!’ I love that.
Corey: I just talked to Mario.
Lisa: Did you cornhole him?
Corey: No, it was over the phone.
Lisa: So what, faggots will stick a dick in whatever. Oh yeah, how you people view your commitments. Do you have a faggot partner? What’s up with that? Why am I the only one without a partner? Boo hoo. Weeping. Look at how I’m sobbing openly.
Corey: You travel with friends, right? They open for you?
Lisa: My faggot, fucking gay Wendall, Big deal. He’s out blowing guys behind the Home Depot and I gotta suffer? He loves picking up Mexicans at Home Depot. Is that like a cliché or what? It’s hilarious but true. He has two in L.A. that he picked up at Home Depot. I just love those stories. I have no sex life at all because I’m taking a year off. He totally keeps me going with his fagotty sex escapades. I also have two girls with me, Tracy and Laura. I can’t bring straight guys with me anymore because I will way fuck them and it screws up the whole relationship and I admire them and send them home in a flourish like Joan Crawford in ‘Mommie Dearest.’ That’s what I did with the last one. I like sent him an e-mail with his plane ticket and was like, ‘You are hereby relieved of your duties.’ It was very Joan Crawford. Now I’ve got to just have straight women or gay men with me. I gotta get laid, dude.
Corey: Is this a year of cleansing for you?
Lisa: Emotional cleansing, if you will. What happened was I was with a string of sick individuals and said, ‘Oh my God, the only thing they have in common is me.’ And I’m weeping openly because my manager always tells me, ‘Don’t cry in interviews,’ so I’m pretending to cry to fuck with her. So yeah, I just decided to take a year off from dating so I can figure out how to stop attracting these losers, and I should really be dating well above my status. I mean, do you slum? Do you bang like blacks and things?
Corey: Not in years.
Lisa: If I guy can kill me or rape me, sign me up. I just go around and have fun, and I flirt occasionally, but other than that it’s gonna be ’til next June. L.L. is spanking it out in the hotel room after the show.
Corey: Did you legitimately cry in several interviews?
Lisa: No, it was just one. OK, it was Valentine’s Day, and I was all sad because the guy I was dating, I felt like he was cheating on me because I felt in my heart that he was. He was always emotionally unavailable, and he totally was always e-mailing other girls on his MySpace account. How gay is this that I’m 46 and give a shit who he’s talking to on MySpace? It’s really sad. I’m going to this guy’s place for Valentine’s Day, and it’s horrible because I know he’s not emotionally there, and I am.
So the Washington Post of all places, the
Corey: Of course.
Lisa: Did you like Mario Cantone on it? When they were looking at the wedding dresses and he’d go, ‘Next!’ and Charlotte would go, ‘I don’t think I liked …’ ‘Hated it!’ I love that.
Corey: I just talked to Mario.
Lisa: Did you cornhole him?
Corey: No, it was over the phone.
Lisa: So what, faggots will stick a dick in whatever. Oh yeah, how you people view your commitments. Do you have a faggot partner? What’s up with that? Why am I the only one without a partner? Boo hoo. Weeping. Look at how I’m sobbing openly.
Corey: You travel with friends, right? They open for you?
Lisa: My faggot, fucking gay Wendall, Big deal. He’s out blowing guys behind the Home Depot and I gotta suffer? He loves picking up Mexicans at Home Depot. Is that like a cliché or what? It’s hilarious but true. He has two in L.A. that he picked up at Home Depot. I just love those stories. I have no sex life at all because I’m taking a year off. He totally keeps me going with his fagotty sex escapades. I also have two girls with me, Tracy and Laura. I can’t bring straight guys with me anymore because I will way fuck them and it screws up the whole relationship and I admire them and send them home in a flourish like Joan Crawford in ‘Mommie Dearest.’ That’s what I did with the last one. I like sent him an e-mail with his plane ticket and was like, ‘You are hereby relieved of your duties.’ It was very Joan Crawford. Now I’ve got to just have straight women or gay men with me. I gotta get laid, dude.
Corey: Is this a year of cleansing for you?
Lisa: Emotional cleansing, if you will. What happened was I was with a string of sick individuals and said, ‘Oh my God, the only thing they have in common is me.’ And I’m weeping openly because my manager always tells me, ‘Don’t cry in interviews,’ so I’m pretending to cry to fuck with her. So yeah, I just decided to take a year off from dating so I can figure out how to stop attracting these losers, and I should really be dating well above my status. I mean, do you slum? Do you bang like blacks and things?
Corey: Not in years.
Lisa: If I guy can kill me or rape me, sign me up. I just go around and have fun, and I flirt occasionally, but other than that it’s gonna be ’til next June. L.L. is spanking it out in the hotel room after the show.
Corey: Did you legitimately cry in several interviews?
Lisa: No, it was just one. OK, it was Valentine’s Day, and I was all sad because the guy I was dating, I felt like he was cheating on me because I felt in my heart that he was. He was always emotionally unavailable, and he totally was always e-mailing other girls on his MySpace account. How gay is this that I’m 46 and give a shit who he’s talking to on MySpace? It’s really sad. I’m going to this guy’s place for Valentine’s Day, and it’s horrible because I know he’s not emotionally there, and I am.
So the Washington Post of all places, the
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