Laugh Lines: Conversations With Comedians by Corey Andrew, Kathleen Madigan, Jimmy Valentine, Kevin Duncan, Joe Anders, Dave Kirk Page A
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get asked to do them, I say I’ll only do them if I can be 100 percent myself, because I make so much money that I could turn anything down I want that doesn’t make me comfortable. Even for benefits I say, ‘Look man, I’m doing this shit for charity and you don’t like me to say “cunt.” Go fuck your mother. If you like me, why would you hire me? Hire some pussy. Rita Rudner is available.’ You know what I mean?
I watched that thing with Kathy Griffin at that jeweler’s convention. I watched it, and I was crying. Every female comic I know watched that; we’ve all been through that. They kiss your ass to get you to do this shit and then stare at you. It’s like, ‘You fucking twats.’ What happened was, thank God, I watched that because I got a call and said, ‘Look. I’ll do your charity for your retard kids. I’ll tell you what, I won’t make fun of retard kids because that’s just mean, but I’m not gonna not say cunt or whatever I say, because that’s who I am.’ ‘Well couldn’t you just edit a couple of words?’ Absolutely not, because then the list becomes bigger and bigger. So I said, ‘Look bitch, I’ll write you a check instead,’ and I probably won’t send it, because they can go fuck themselves. They don’t want to hear cunt, they don’t get a check.
Corey: Have you had an experience like she did?
Lisa: Horrible! With her, I think it was a paid gig. Mine, it was a charity. You’re gonna die. This fucking cunt of a baseball player, this Lee Mazilli, used to be a coach for the Mets. He sponsors this diabetes event for children. OK. We’re all adults and friars. I’m killing and this motherfucker would not make eye contact after nor would he say, ‘Thank you.’ Everybody else got watches. I didn’t get shit. You know what, it wasn’t even a good watch, because I like Cartier, so you know you can go fuck your mother. But that is just mean to not look at me and not say thank you.
I was fuming. This was like seven years ago. I’m fuming mad. Why do I put myself in this position? Every time now I say, ‘Do you know who I am? Do you know I’m gonna say “cunt” if I want? If you don’t like this, please just let me make a donation.’ I can’t be bothered with it. It hurts your feelings a lot. You go home and you’re all upset. I just wasted my whole night. I could have done a paid gig for these fucking losers with diabetes. ‘Hey, eat a fucking candy bar. Lick me.’ Am I right? See, I get angry. Thanks for the interview, you fucking asshole. These faggots, you’re always trying to ruin our good time.
Corey: I did want to mention that a friend of mine noticed that you refer to yourself in the third person a lot.
Lisa: Absolutely, Lisa Lampanelli refers to Lisa Lampanelli in the third person, because I’m the most important person in the world. And if nobody else will do it, I will. And you tell your fucking person, who I’m sure is a fucking faggot, too, because all you faggots stick together, that if he means that as criticism, then I am not doing his diabetes charity event either. You just tell him I said it.
No, it just makes me laugh. Whatever makes me laugh, I figure is going to make the audience laugh eventually. It makes me laugh to go, ‘Lisa Lampanelli,’ like I’m a fucking celebrity. I was saying that when I was doing comedy a year. ‘Oh, she thinks she’s a big shot?’ It always cracked me up.
Corey: As you put many people down, do you get a lot of groups point out someone you’re not hitting?
Lisa: Oh yeah, I have to get these fucking dykes. These fucking dykes, they want to be included. But I learned early on the difference between gay men and dykes is gay men have a sense of humor. They used to be very easily offended so I didn’t bother with them. Now I have dykes who come to my show.
Dude, I get lipstick lesbians; I don’t get ugly, hairy ones, so that’s kind of cool if I decide to jump on to
I watched that thing with Kathy Griffin at that jeweler’s convention. I watched it, and I was crying. Every female comic I know watched that; we’ve all been through that. They kiss your ass to get you to do this shit and then stare at you. It’s like, ‘You fucking twats.’ What happened was, thank God, I watched that because I got a call and said, ‘Look. I’ll do your charity for your retard kids. I’ll tell you what, I won’t make fun of retard kids because that’s just mean, but I’m not gonna not say cunt or whatever I say, because that’s who I am.’ ‘Well couldn’t you just edit a couple of words?’ Absolutely not, because then the list becomes bigger and bigger. So I said, ‘Look bitch, I’ll write you a check instead,’ and I probably won’t send it, because they can go fuck themselves. They don’t want to hear cunt, they don’t get a check.
Corey: Have you had an experience like she did?
Lisa: Horrible! With her, I think it was a paid gig. Mine, it was a charity. You’re gonna die. This fucking cunt of a baseball player, this Lee Mazilli, used to be a coach for the Mets. He sponsors this diabetes event for children. OK. We’re all adults and friars. I’m killing and this motherfucker would not make eye contact after nor would he say, ‘Thank you.’ Everybody else got watches. I didn’t get shit. You know what, it wasn’t even a good watch, because I like Cartier, so you know you can go fuck your mother. But that is just mean to not look at me and not say thank you.
I was fuming. This was like seven years ago. I’m fuming mad. Why do I put myself in this position? Every time now I say, ‘Do you know who I am? Do you know I’m gonna say “cunt” if I want? If you don’t like this, please just let me make a donation.’ I can’t be bothered with it. It hurts your feelings a lot. You go home and you’re all upset. I just wasted my whole night. I could have done a paid gig for these fucking losers with diabetes. ‘Hey, eat a fucking candy bar. Lick me.’ Am I right? See, I get angry. Thanks for the interview, you fucking asshole. These faggots, you’re always trying to ruin our good time.
Corey: I did want to mention that a friend of mine noticed that you refer to yourself in the third person a lot.
Lisa: Absolutely, Lisa Lampanelli refers to Lisa Lampanelli in the third person, because I’m the most important person in the world. And if nobody else will do it, I will. And you tell your fucking person, who I’m sure is a fucking faggot, too, because all you faggots stick together, that if he means that as criticism, then I am not doing his diabetes charity event either. You just tell him I said it.
No, it just makes me laugh. Whatever makes me laugh, I figure is going to make the audience laugh eventually. It makes me laugh to go, ‘Lisa Lampanelli,’ like I’m a fucking celebrity. I was saying that when I was doing comedy a year. ‘Oh, she thinks she’s a big shot?’ It always cracked me up.
Corey: As you put many people down, do you get a lot of groups point out someone you’re not hitting?
Lisa: Oh yeah, I have to get these fucking dykes. These fucking dykes, they want to be included. But I learned early on the difference between gay men and dykes is gay men have a sense of humor. They used to be very easily offended so I didn’t bother with them. Now I have dykes who come to my show.
Dude, I get lipstick lesbians; I don’t get ugly, hairy ones, so that’s kind of cool if I decide to jump on to
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