Laugh Lines: Conversations With Comedians by Corey Andrew, Kathleen Madigan, Jimmy Valentine, Kevin Duncan, Joe Anders, Dave Kirk
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three people were cut. Basically it was good. They cut us down just for time.
Corey: Are there any lines they cut you’re bummed about?
Lisa: No, I’m not bummed because I have to tape another hour special, and my manager just told me to start working on it. I’m sad because I have nothing to talk about in my life because I’m emotionally bankrupt, so what do I do? Fuck, I’m gonna use those roast jokes. I’ll be like, ‘You know who else was there, Carrot Top. Blah-blah-dee-blah blah blah.’ So I’m gonna use all the jokes anyway.
Corey: How much time do you have to know who else is going to be on the dais?
Lisa: They tell you like a month in advance, and then they have edits up to like a day before. Mike Tyson was supposed to come up until like a day before. No lie. I had like two pages of Mike Tyson jokes, and I said he couldn’t come because he had a previously scheduled rape. What I did was I had to write jokes about Mike Tyson then I wrote jokes about why Mike Tyson couldn’t show up. The same thing about Andy Dick. Andy Dick couldn’t come. I was sad because I was looking forward to him rubbing his vagina all over me again this year. Oh my God, does he have a vag and a half? Basically it’s one of those things that up to the last minute, you’re crossing shit out, you’re editing it. Whatever happens, happens.
Corey: I know you’re not Kathy Griffin, dishing on celebs, but do you think that whole Jon Lovitz fight thing was the reason he didn’t show up?
Lisa: His lawyers probably told him not to show up. Because he’s a ballsy guy and loves publicity, and he’s such a raging queen. God forbid you faggots must get as much attention as you can. I bet he wanted to come, but his lawyer said no. Sort of like your eyes say yes, but your mouth says no. Sort of like every boyfriend I’ve ever had.
Corey: What’s it like after the roast is over? Is there a party?
Lisa: It’s horrifying. There’s a VIP area we all stay in and talk to the other celebs. There’s never any bangable guys in those. And I’m always like, ‘Snoop Dogg ain’t gonna fuck me.’ He’s surrounded by like 12 girls from the video. All I do because I’m a big loser is walk around, and everyone tells me I’m the best—because I am—and after 15 minutes I go home. My manager says, ‘Do not stay longer than 15 minutes. It looks desperate and needy,’ which are my best qualities. She goes, ‘You stay 15 minutes and you time it and you leave.’ I had all my friends with me so we had fun and went back to the Four Seasons and cried one little American Indian littering tear. That’s it. It’s over.
Corey: After doing so many of these, how would you rate your performance?
Lisa: Mine? Gangster. I’m the best. I’m the fucking best comic in the world. No, no, no, I compare myself to everybody else. You know what they say in AA, compare and despair. You must be a raging alcoholic if you’re a homo. All you gays, sucking dick behind mommy’s back, so then all of a sudden, you’ve got to drink.
My performance I loved, because I looked really good, so I thought, ‘OK, a little more power.’ I also thought my jokes were fucking killer. I would say this and the Foxworthy one were my favorite. The Foxworthy one, oh my God, the jokes were just so good. ‘Ron White has disappointed more fat women than Jenny Craig.’ Those jokes are so funny.
Corey: A couple of your cleaner lines were great. The Kool-Aid line. (Lisa said, ‘My twat has been on more black men’s lips than purple Kool-Aid.’)
Lisa: Wasn’t that funny? That’s absolutely true. The funniest things are true about the blacks. Absolutely. Didn’t you love the Carrot Top joke, too. Carrot Top, my God. Mr. Friend has got to get his shit together. How much do you hate yourself when you’re a prop guy with steroid problems? You know, ming!
Corey: Do you get asked to do corporate gigs?
Lisa: If I
Corey: Are there any lines they cut you’re bummed about?
Lisa: No, I’m not bummed because I have to tape another hour special, and my manager just told me to start working on it. I’m sad because I have nothing to talk about in my life because I’m emotionally bankrupt, so what do I do? Fuck, I’m gonna use those roast jokes. I’ll be like, ‘You know who else was there, Carrot Top. Blah-blah-dee-blah blah blah.’ So I’m gonna use all the jokes anyway.
Corey: How much time do you have to know who else is going to be on the dais?
Lisa: They tell you like a month in advance, and then they have edits up to like a day before. Mike Tyson was supposed to come up until like a day before. No lie. I had like two pages of Mike Tyson jokes, and I said he couldn’t come because he had a previously scheduled rape. What I did was I had to write jokes about Mike Tyson then I wrote jokes about why Mike Tyson couldn’t show up. The same thing about Andy Dick. Andy Dick couldn’t come. I was sad because I was looking forward to him rubbing his vagina all over me again this year. Oh my God, does he have a vag and a half? Basically it’s one of those things that up to the last minute, you’re crossing shit out, you’re editing it. Whatever happens, happens.
Corey: I know you’re not Kathy Griffin, dishing on celebs, but do you think that whole Jon Lovitz fight thing was the reason he didn’t show up?
Lisa: His lawyers probably told him not to show up. Because he’s a ballsy guy and loves publicity, and he’s such a raging queen. God forbid you faggots must get as much attention as you can. I bet he wanted to come, but his lawyer said no. Sort of like your eyes say yes, but your mouth says no. Sort of like every boyfriend I’ve ever had.
Corey: What’s it like after the roast is over? Is there a party?
Lisa: It’s horrifying. There’s a VIP area we all stay in and talk to the other celebs. There’s never any bangable guys in those. And I’m always like, ‘Snoop Dogg ain’t gonna fuck me.’ He’s surrounded by like 12 girls from the video. All I do because I’m a big loser is walk around, and everyone tells me I’m the best—because I am—and after 15 minutes I go home. My manager says, ‘Do not stay longer than 15 minutes. It looks desperate and needy,’ which are my best qualities. She goes, ‘You stay 15 minutes and you time it and you leave.’ I had all my friends with me so we had fun and went back to the Four Seasons and cried one little American Indian littering tear. That’s it. It’s over.
Corey: After doing so many of these, how would you rate your performance?
Lisa: Mine? Gangster. I’m the best. I’m the fucking best comic in the world. No, no, no, I compare myself to everybody else. You know what they say in AA, compare and despair. You must be a raging alcoholic if you’re a homo. All you gays, sucking dick behind mommy’s back, so then all of a sudden, you’ve got to drink.
My performance I loved, because I looked really good, so I thought, ‘OK, a little more power.’ I also thought my jokes were fucking killer. I would say this and the Foxworthy one were my favorite. The Foxworthy one, oh my God, the jokes were just so good. ‘Ron White has disappointed more fat women than Jenny Craig.’ Those jokes are so funny.
Corey: A couple of your cleaner lines were great. The Kool-Aid line. (Lisa said, ‘My twat has been on more black men’s lips than purple Kool-Aid.’)
Lisa: Wasn’t that funny? That’s absolutely true. The funniest things are true about the blacks. Absolutely. Didn’t you love the Carrot Top joke, too. Carrot Top, my God. Mr. Friend has got to get his shit together. How much do you hate yourself when you’re a prop guy with steroid problems? You know, ming!
Corey: Do you get asked to do corporate gigs?
Lisa: If I
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