Ishmael and the Hoops of Steel by Michael Gerard Bauer Page A

this:
    â€˜
Hamlet
? How come we’re doing that, sir? Everyone else is doing that
Macdeath
one.’
    Mr Slattery hoisted up his trousers by the belt to makesure they remained unfashionably high on his thin waist. Everything about him was neat and precise, from the razor-sharp creases on his pants and shirt, to his never-out-of-place, slicked-back, straight-from-a-bottle, fiery red hair. He waltzed across to Razz’s desk. Literally. As well as teaching English and French, Mr Slattery was apparently an enthusiastic ballroom dancer. He posed in front of Razz with one hand on his hip. If you threw in a cape and a couple of those swordy things, he would have made a pretty good bullfighter.
    â€˜That would be
Macbeth
, Mr Zorzotto, and while that is a very fine play indeed – a masterpiece in fact – we are doing
Hamlet
because I believe it shows Shakespeare’s genius at its most … sublime.’
    Razz didn’t look like he was that into ‘sublime’.
    â€˜But how come we’re doing some play written thousands of years ago anyway? Why can’t we do something relevant?’
    After twenty years of teaching, Mr Slattery was fully prepared for this and his eyes lit up. ‘Oh,
Hamlet is
relevant, Mr Zorzotto. It’s all about the conflict between thought and action. You see, Prince Hamlet – or the Melancholy Dane as he has become known – is a thinker, philosopher and poet and
yet
,’ Mr Slattery said, shooting his finger into the air Prindabel-like, ‘he is called upon by his father to be a warrior, an action hero if you will. As such, Hamlet finds himself torn between thought and action, between thinking about the deed and the doing of it. I’d say the issue of thinking before you act is relevant to everyone,
particularly
teenage boys like yourself, Mr Zorzotto, who tend to be somewhat
impetuous
in their actions from time to time.’
    Razz wasn’t impressed.
    â€˜What, so the play’s just about some prehistoric prince dude who sits around thinking about doing stuff but doesn’t actually do anything?
    Mr Slattery tapped his fingers together like a spider bouncing on a mirror. ‘Well, yes … that … and murder,revenge, incest, betrayal, death, madness, suicide, love, lust and the supernatural.’
    Razz stared back, unimpressed.
    â€˜What? No car chases?’
    Mr Slattery pretty much gave up trying to convince Razz of the benefits of studying
Hamlet
after that.
    Back in the debating meeting Razz scrunched up his hair in frustration.
    â€˜And can someone tell me why those dudes didn’t speak English back in Shakespeare’s time? I haven’t got a clue what they’re talking about most of the time. And another thing, old Willy’s supposed to be a genius, right? Well, instead of all that talking, why not just have Hamlet’s old man come back from the dead and say, “Hey, Hammy, that Claudius dude knocked me off so he could be king and pinch my wife. Kill him for me, will you?” And then just have Hamlet say, “Sure, Dad. You bet I will. Watch me go.” That way at least something would
happen
and we’d get to see some action. Plus it would be way shorter.’
    â€˜Interesting theory,’ Scobie said. ‘You don’t think it might undermine the complexity of Hamlet’s character just a touch?’
    â€˜Aw, man, don’t talk to me about Hamlet’s character. I’ve had a gutful of old Slats rabbiting on about the Telescopic Dane or whatever he calls him.’
    Prindabel had his head buried in a
New Scientist
magazine, and without lifting his eyes off the page he raised a crooked finger into the air and mumbled, ‘Melancholy Dane.’
    â€˜Yes, thanks for your input, Professor Pointer. OK, yeah, right, the
Alcoholic
Dane, whatever.’
    Prindabel’s finger rose up again in silent protest before losing interest and sinking back down to the