In The Company of My Sistahs by Angie Daniels

on, and stretched out in the chair before speaking.
    â€œFine ... I guess.”
    â€œYou guess? When was the last time you spoke to him?”
    â€œA couple of weeks ago.”
    She shook her head. “Y’all got the weirdest marriage. So, have you decided what you’re gonna do?”
    I shook my head. “Nope.”
    â€œYou need to just go on down to Delaware. You know that man is waiting on you.”
    â€œI know he’s waiting. He bought that big old house and he’s waiting for us to join him.”
    Kayla squinted her eyes. “So what’s the problem?”
    â€œThe problem is, I don’t want to be with him. But because he’s so nice, I don’t know how to tell him.”
    Kayla looked at me as if I had lost my damn mind. “Renee, he’s a good man with a good job. He doesn’t cheat. You don’t have to work. I don’t understand you.”
    â€œBecause there is so much more to it than that.” I inhaled deeply. “I’m so sick of people thinking I’ve got it made. Y’all just don’t know what I have to go through.”
    â€œI’m listening.”
    I sighed heavily. “I just don’t love him.”
    Kayla was thoughtful for a moment before saying, “I don’t think you know what love is.”
    â€œMaybe I don’t, but I know what love isn’t, and it’s my relationship with John. I married him for all the wrong reasons and that was my fault. I have tried so hard to love that man and look past all his faults and I can’t.” How can I get people to understand that I’ve made a mistake? What’s even harder is getting myself to truly accept that I’ve made a mistake and then finding the strength to move on.
    â€œWhat bothers me the most is that he is exactly the same man I married three years ago. I knew then that his dick was little and that he was too damn old, yet I tried to convince myself that neither of those things matter. All that mattered was that he was a good man who was willing to do anything to make me happy. Yet money and stability is not enough.”
    Kayla sucked her teeth. “Girl, I would love for a man to help me and the girls.”
    â€œYeah, but at what expense? I feel that I have given up a piece of who I am to be with him. Yeah, maybe I don’t have to work but that privilege comes at a cost. John wants a wife to cook his meals, clean his house, and cater to his needs. At one time I was so excited to be able to do those things because I never had the luxury. For years I had been working two jobs and going to school at night to get my degree, then I lose my job, and here comes John offering to marry me so I wouldn’t have to worry about health benefits, and rushing to find another dead-end job. He put this fairy-tale life in front of me on a silver platter and I grabbed it. And as soon as the excitement wore off, I’ve been regretting it ever since.
    â€œYou know, my sister told me that I didn’t know how to have normalcy in my life. That I live for drama and disruption, and don’t you know she had my ass thinking that maybe she was right. Maybe I don’t know how to have a real relationship, and because of it I keep trying to make things work between John and I.”
    â€œDoes he have any idea?”
    I shrugged. “I think he does, but he chooses to ignore it. He loves me so much it’s scary. So many times I find myself looking for reasons to end our relationship, searching for an excuse to get out of the marriage, and can’t ever seem to find one.”
    â€œWell, you can’t blame the man.”
    â€œNo, but I truly believe it is unfair for me to continue to stay with him. I refuse to sleep with him but once a week, and even then I feel sick to my stomach.”
    â€œPoor John.”
    I swung around on the seat and glared at her. “Poor John? What about me?” I asked with straight attitude.