only presume his young lady was pregnant. Captain Tablet puffed messages of hate and threats of future revenge from underneath his moustache and murdered me with his eyes. And Private Juniper, when the court had finally settled down and awarded him 182 days, refused to have me inside his cell to discuss an appeal on the grounds that the members of the tribunal were overwrought and unjustly biased against him.
As I left the guard room, disappointed of course, but comforted by the knowledge that I had done my best for my client, Private Clapper accosted me.
“Begging your pardon, sir, and all that, but could I have a few words with you on a compassionate matter?”
“Certainly, Clapper,” I said. “What’s the trouble this time?”
“It’s my missus again, sir. They’re all after her again.”
“Not that insurance man? I thought we cleared him out when we lapsed the funeral policy.”
He smiled bravely.
“You done him, all right, sir. Settled his hash proper. It ain’t him this time. It’s the butcher.”
“The butcher? And do I take it that he is now … ahem … committing intimacy at your home address?”
“Yes, sir. Comes round regular every Tuesday with a bit of meat off the ration. Weakens her self-control with steak and kidney, he does, lures her with liver till she’s that hungry she don’t know what he’s up to. My mum’s told him off about it, but he don’t take no notice. He just won’t leave that poor little kid alone. It’s getting on my nerves, and if somebody don’t do something about it soon I’m going to finish up a raving lunatic in Runcorn like old Juniper in there. Is it right, sir, that’s all I want to know, for civilian butchers to go round getting their hoggins off soldiers’ wives while they’re away fighting gallantly for their King and Country …”
“Now don’t take on, Clapper. We’ll find a way to discourage the butcher, don’t you worry. Tell me, is there any chance that you could persuade your wife and your mum to become vegetarians?”
Before he could reply Sergeant Transom came up at the double.
“Urgent message from the company commander, sir. Special order group right away.”
I left Clapper considering female vegetarianism and hurried off to the company office.
“What’s it all about, Sergeant?”
“Don’t let on I told you, sir, because it’s supposed to be top secret, but we’re off next week.”
“Off where?”
“North Africa, for a quid.”
“How do you know?”
“The quartermaster’s just received five hundred pairs of snow boots and the M.O.’s lumbered up with fourteen crates of frostbite ointment. It’s us for the desert sands, sure as drainholes.”
And he was just about right.
Chapter Eight
… In February we received information that the enemy was preparing for a more ambitious counter-attack against our lines than he had yet attempted. To provide additional strength for this attack some of Rommel’s forces were hurried back from Tripoli to join von Arnim and Messe in Tunisia. Watchfulness was of course indicated everywhere …
G EN . D WIGHT D. E ISENHOWER Crusade in Europef
A FTER BRINGING TWELVE PLATOON ashore at Cleptha and exploiting the good fortune of our unopposed landing, I pushed on along the coast road towards Tunis as anxious as the rest of the chaps to get our first crack at the Boche. From the icy welcome we were given by the Colonial French some of them would clearly have preferred us to have been the Boche. Nevertheless, we conferred upon them in passing the benison of liberation which included among its favours the use of their daughters, the requisition of their wine, and the passage of tanks through their vineyards. The Musketeers pressed on in traditional style and we would have been in Tunis by Christmas had we not actually met the Germans on the way.
We then, of course, had to stop and withdraw a little; the rains came down, the mud squelched a foot deep, and the Army settled in to hold a
As I left the guard room, disappointed of course, but comforted by the knowledge that I had done my best for my client, Private Clapper accosted me.
“Begging your pardon, sir, and all that, but could I have a few words with you on a compassionate matter?”
“Certainly, Clapper,” I said. “What’s the trouble this time?”
“It’s my missus again, sir. They’re all after her again.”
“Not that insurance man? I thought we cleared him out when we lapsed the funeral policy.”
He smiled bravely.
“You done him, all right, sir. Settled his hash proper. It ain’t him this time. It’s the butcher.”
“The butcher? And do I take it that he is now … ahem … committing intimacy at your home address?”
“Yes, sir. Comes round regular every Tuesday with a bit of meat off the ration. Weakens her self-control with steak and kidney, he does, lures her with liver till she’s that hungry she don’t know what he’s up to. My mum’s told him off about it, but he don’t take no notice. He just won’t leave that poor little kid alone. It’s getting on my nerves, and if somebody don’t do something about it soon I’m going to finish up a raving lunatic in Runcorn like old Juniper in there. Is it right, sir, that’s all I want to know, for civilian butchers to go round getting their hoggins off soldiers’ wives while they’re away fighting gallantly for their King and Country …”
“Now don’t take on, Clapper. We’ll find a way to discourage the butcher, don’t you worry. Tell me, is there any chance that you could persuade your wife and your mum to become vegetarians?”
Before he could reply Sergeant Transom came up at the double.
“Urgent message from the company commander, sir. Special order group right away.”
I left Clapper considering female vegetarianism and hurried off to the company office.
“What’s it all about, Sergeant?”
“Don’t let on I told you, sir, because it’s supposed to be top secret, but we’re off next week.”
“Off where?”
“North Africa, for a quid.”
“How do you know?”
“The quartermaster’s just received five hundred pairs of snow boots and the M.O.’s lumbered up with fourteen crates of frostbite ointment. It’s us for the desert sands, sure as drainholes.”
And he was just about right.
Chapter Eight
… In February we received information that the enemy was preparing for a more ambitious counter-attack against our lines than he had yet attempted. To provide additional strength for this attack some of Rommel’s forces were hurried back from Tripoli to join von Arnim and Messe in Tunisia. Watchfulness was of course indicated everywhere …
G EN . D WIGHT D. E ISENHOWER Crusade in Europef
A FTER BRINGING TWELVE PLATOON ashore at Cleptha and exploiting the good fortune of our unopposed landing, I pushed on along the coast road towards Tunis as anxious as the rest of the chaps to get our first crack at the Boche. From the icy welcome we were given by the Colonial French some of them would clearly have preferred us to have been the Boche. Nevertheless, we conferred upon them in passing the benison of liberation which included among its favours the use of their daughters, the requisition of their wine, and the passage of tanks through their vineyards. The Musketeers pressed on in traditional style and we would have been in Tunis by Christmas had we not actually met the Germans on the way.
We then, of course, had to stop and withdraw a little; the rains came down, the mud squelched a foot deep, and the Army settled in to hold a
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