together. Clearly my story had affected her deeply or she’d peed in her pants and had to let them air dry. Regardless, that reprieve gave me enough time to sob my heart out and freshen back up. I couldn’t let my little LeHump know that anything was amiss.
“Are you hungry?” Shoshanna asked upon her return, plopping herself down next to me and putting her feet up on the pink marble coffee table.
“Actually, I am,” I laughed, surprising myself. Usually when I’m distraught I can’t eat, but I suppose emptying my stomach earlier made me hungry. I placed my feet on the ugly coffee table next to my little buddy’s.
“Good. Nancy, Joanne, and Poppy Harriet will be here in about five minutes with lunch. I can’t guarantee it’s edible”—she grinned—“but it will be made with love.”
“I thought only Nancy was coming.”
“Yeah, but after I told her about the weird morning, they all decided to come and make sure you’re okay . . . Are you okay?”
“Um, yes . . . I am.”
I gave Shoshanna a smile and squeezed her hands. What I really wanted to do was curl up next to her and bawl, but there was no time for self-pity. I’d made my bed, and I would lie in it. Alone. For the rest of my life. Shit.
“Would you like to explain why the evil sow was covered in vomit and why you left alone and came back with the silicone skank and her evil henchman?”
It was going to be difficult to pull stuff over on LeHump, but since her life, mine, and several others depended on it, I had no choice.
“Yeah, but can it wait till the girls get here? I don’t want to tell this one twice.”
“No prob. Hey, that was one hell of a story you pulled out of your ass,” she said, grinning.
“Thanks. Unfortunately it’s beginning to come naturally.”
“Well, it made me pee my pants. Literally.” Shoshanna shouted gleefully, “I can’t wait for the upchuck story.”
“Yeah, me neither,” I muttered.
I still had no idea what I was going to say. All I knew for sure was that I wouldn’t be telling the truth. Hell, I was going to have to keep a notebook full of all the lies I told or I was going to be in some deep shit.
On cue the ladies arrived, bearing a scary tuna hot dish, snickerdoodles, chicken wild rice soup, and wine in a box. Nancy spread out the Minnesota-style feast on the ugly pink marble coffee table, pulled out her robin’s-egg-blue travel dishes, and we all dug in. I avoided the crumbled-cracker-covered cream of mushroom tuna concoction and stuck to the wild rice soup, snickerdoodles, and wine. Which, by the way, wasn’t half bad.
Kristy would be appalled that I drank wine from a box. She was a wine snob, but I’m sure when she found out Professor Sue liked it, it would become her new favorite thing.
I noticed all the gals, except Nancy, sniffing their food cautiously before eating it. They appeared to sniff only when Nancy wasn’t looking. What in the hell was that about? I almost laughed when Shoshanna gave Poppy Harriet and Joanne the thumbs-up, clearly the cue that the food was edible, or at least not poisonous.
“Love the plates, Nancy,” Joanne enthused with a mouthful of Tasty Tuna Surprise.
“Two twenty-five last fall at a mega yard sale,” Nancy informed our lunch bunch proudly.
“Two hundred and twenty-five dollars?” I choked out, examining the scratched blue plastic plate with shock.
“Oh, sweet holy mother of baby Jesus, no!” Nancy laughed. “Two dollars and twenty-five cents for a set of sixty.”
“You are the bargain queen, my friend,” LeHump yelled, helping herself to more wine in a box. “Oh shit, I forgot to tell you guys . . . I’m getting divorced,” she announced, holding up her blue plastic coffee cup of merlot.
“Congratulations!” Poppy Harriet squealed. “Did Kevin meet someone?”
“He did,” Shoshanna said proudly. “A nice young man named Steve. Steve has a job and doesn’t seem to be a man-whore.”
“Will the divorce take long?”
“Are you hungry?” Shoshanna asked upon her return, plopping herself down next to me and putting her feet up on the pink marble coffee table.
“Actually, I am,” I laughed, surprising myself. Usually when I’m distraught I can’t eat, but I suppose emptying my stomach earlier made me hungry. I placed my feet on the ugly coffee table next to my little buddy’s.
“Good. Nancy, Joanne, and Poppy Harriet will be here in about five minutes with lunch. I can’t guarantee it’s edible”—she grinned—“but it will be made with love.”
“I thought only Nancy was coming.”
“Yeah, but after I told her about the weird morning, they all decided to come and make sure you’re okay . . . Are you okay?”
“Um, yes . . . I am.”
I gave Shoshanna a smile and squeezed her hands. What I really wanted to do was curl up next to her and bawl, but there was no time for self-pity. I’d made my bed, and I would lie in it. Alone. For the rest of my life. Shit.
“Would you like to explain why the evil sow was covered in vomit and why you left alone and came back with the silicone skank and her evil henchman?”
It was going to be difficult to pull stuff over on LeHump, but since her life, mine, and several others depended on it, I had no choice.
“Yeah, but can it wait till the girls get here? I don’t want to tell this one twice.”
“No prob. Hey, that was one hell of a story you pulled out of your ass,” she said, grinning.
“Thanks. Unfortunately it’s beginning to come naturally.”
“Well, it made me pee my pants. Literally.” Shoshanna shouted gleefully, “I can’t wait for the upchuck story.”
“Yeah, me neither,” I muttered.
I still had no idea what I was going to say. All I knew for sure was that I wouldn’t be telling the truth. Hell, I was going to have to keep a notebook full of all the lies I told or I was going to be in some deep shit.
On cue the ladies arrived, bearing a scary tuna hot dish, snickerdoodles, chicken wild rice soup, and wine in a box. Nancy spread out the Minnesota-style feast on the ugly pink marble coffee table, pulled out her robin’s-egg-blue travel dishes, and we all dug in. I avoided the crumbled-cracker-covered cream of mushroom tuna concoction and stuck to the wild rice soup, snickerdoodles, and wine. Which, by the way, wasn’t half bad.
Kristy would be appalled that I drank wine from a box. She was a wine snob, but I’m sure when she found out Professor Sue liked it, it would become her new favorite thing.
I noticed all the gals, except Nancy, sniffing their food cautiously before eating it. They appeared to sniff only when Nancy wasn’t looking. What in the hell was that about? I almost laughed when Shoshanna gave Poppy Harriet and Joanne the thumbs-up, clearly the cue that the food was edible, or at least not poisonous.
“Love the plates, Nancy,” Joanne enthused with a mouthful of Tasty Tuna Surprise.
“Two twenty-five last fall at a mega yard sale,” Nancy informed our lunch bunch proudly.
“Two hundred and twenty-five dollars?” I choked out, examining the scratched blue plastic plate with shock.
“Oh, sweet holy mother of baby Jesus, no!” Nancy laughed. “Two dollars and twenty-five cents for a set of sixty.”
“You are the bargain queen, my friend,” LeHump yelled, helping herself to more wine in a box. “Oh shit, I forgot to tell you guys . . . I’m getting divorced,” she announced, holding up her blue plastic coffee cup of merlot.
“Congratulations!” Poppy Harriet squealed. “Did Kevin meet someone?”
“He did,” Shoshanna said proudly. “A nice young man named Steve. Steve has a job and doesn’t seem to be a man-whore.”
“Will the divorce take long?”
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