Joanne asked, with a mouth full of snickerdoodle. “Maybe you should go to Mexico. I hear they can do one in twenty minutes.”
“Shoshanna, you must be so proud. He’s such a good boy. Do you think they’ll adopt?” Nancy inquired as she spooned a heaping pile of Tuna Surprise onto my plate. It looked suspiciously like my earlier gift to Evangeline.
“No clue, but Kevin would make such a good daddy and I’d love to be a grandma. God knows Sue Junior doesn’t want kids. Last week she told me she didn’t think our DNA should be passed on. She’s such a bullheaded bitch.”
“Like mother, like daughter,” Poppy Harriet laughed.
“Yeah,” Shoshanna chuckled, “but I think she’s a lot more like her daddy, Herm. Talk about a great lay . . . In his day that man could go six times in one night! He would be so damn happy for Kevin.”
“Are you positive Steve isn’t a man-whore?” Joanne nervously ran her fingers over her nonexistent eyebrows.
“Kevin feels quite confident, and they’ve been dating for nine months.”
“That’s all well and good, but his last boyfriend, Timothy, turned out to be a stripper and a hooker,” Joanne huffed. “Do you want me to do a background check on this Steve character?”
“That’s not a bad idea.” LeHump nodded to Joanne.
“All I can say is thank God! That’s one less thing the Botox Bitch has on us!” Poppy Harriet trilled.
“Harriet!” Joanne hissed.
They all froze. It was like Joanne had thrown ice water on all of them. No one would make eye contact with me . . . then they all started talking at once.
What the fuck is going on? Am I in the twilight zone? I am confused and grossed out and . . . confused. I have absolutely no idea what my insane gal pals are talking about and I’m afraid to ask . . . but asking questions I don’t want the answers to is a talent of mine.
“All of you need to stop talking,” I said, standing up and moving away from the lump of tuna bile on my plate. “I am so fucking confused, I’m dizzy. First I mistakenly think Nancy paid an obscene amount of money for plastic dishes, then I think I just heard that Shoshanna is married to a gay man named Kevin who found himself a non-man-whore named Steve, so he wants a divorce. And her baby-daddy Herm sounds like he might have erectile dysfunction like Pirate Dave. Why on earth did you kick someone who can get it up six times a night to the curb for a gay man who’s looking for a non-man-whore? And why did Kevin date a stripper-hooker while he was married to LeHump? And why in the hell was he or is he married to LeHump? And what does the viper bitch from hell have to do with any of this?”
“Oh dear,” Nancy giggled, tucking her neat gray bob behind her ears, “I suppose this conversation does sound a little odd to someone without the backstory.”
“You think?” I shook my head in disbelief.
“May I?” LeHump asked, clearly offering to explain.
“Please do.” I sat back down. Nancy handed me my plate and a fork. Shit, I couldn’t eat Tasty Tuna Surprise, no matter how sweet Nancy was.
“Herm, or Mr. Wonder Pecker, as I used to call him, died about six years ago,” she said.
Did she just say Mr. Wonder Pecker? My Pirate Dave stories were beginning to sound tame compared to LeHump’s real life.
“Of gallbladder complications,” Nancy chimed in. “He was the love of Shoshanna’s life.”
“He was. We were married forty-four years”—LeHump smiled fondly—“and I miss him every day.” She paused and looked to the heavens. As cheesy as the moment was, my eyes welled with tears. “So anyway, our gay neighbor Kevin was going to get deported back to Canada because his work visa had expired. Herm, besides being Superman in the sack, was slightly psychic and had a feeling he was going to die. He suggested Kevin and I get married when he kicked the bucket. I told him he was full of shit, not about marrying Kevin—I had no problem marrying a gay man as
“Shoshanna, you must be so proud. He’s such a good boy. Do you think they’ll adopt?” Nancy inquired as she spooned a heaping pile of Tuna Surprise onto my plate. It looked suspiciously like my earlier gift to Evangeline.
“No clue, but Kevin would make such a good daddy and I’d love to be a grandma. God knows Sue Junior doesn’t want kids. Last week she told me she didn’t think our DNA should be passed on. She’s such a bullheaded bitch.”
“Like mother, like daughter,” Poppy Harriet laughed.
“Yeah,” Shoshanna chuckled, “but I think she’s a lot more like her daddy, Herm. Talk about a great lay . . . In his day that man could go six times in one night! He would be so damn happy for Kevin.”
“Are you positive Steve isn’t a man-whore?” Joanne nervously ran her fingers over her nonexistent eyebrows.
“Kevin feels quite confident, and they’ve been dating for nine months.”
“That’s all well and good, but his last boyfriend, Timothy, turned out to be a stripper and a hooker,” Joanne huffed. “Do you want me to do a background check on this Steve character?”
“That’s not a bad idea.” LeHump nodded to Joanne.
“All I can say is thank God! That’s one less thing the Botox Bitch has on us!” Poppy Harriet trilled.
“Harriet!” Joanne hissed.
They all froze. It was like Joanne had thrown ice water on all of them. No one would make eye contact with me . . . then they all started talking at once.
What the fuck is going on? Am I in the twilight zone? I am confused and grossed out and . . . confused. I have absolutely no idea what my insane gal pals are talking about and I’m afraid to ask . . . but asking questions I don’t want the answers to is a talent of mine.
“All of you need to stop talking,” I said, standing up and moving away from the lump of tuna bile on my plate. “I am so fucking confused, I’m dizzy. First I mistakenly think Nancy paid an obscene amount of money for plastic dishes, then I think I just heard that Shoshanna is married to a gay man named Kevin who found himself a non-man-whore named Steve, so he wants a divorce. And her baby-daddy Herm sounds like he might have erectile dysfunction like Pirate Dave. Why on earth did you kick someone who can get it up six times a night to the curb for a gay man who’s looking for a non-man-whore? And why did Kevin date a stripper-hooker while he was married to LeHump? And why in the hell was he or is he married to LeHump? And what does the viper bitch from hell have to do with any of this?”
“Oh dear,” Nancy giggled, tucking her neat gray bob behind her ears, “I suppose this conversation does sound a little odd to someone without the backstory.”
“You think?” I shook my head in disbelief.
“May I?” LeHump asked, clearly offering to explain.
“Please do.” I sat back down. Nancy handed me my plate and a fork. Shit, I couldn’t eat Tasty Tuna Surprise, no matter how sweet Nancy was.
“Herm, or Mr. Wonder Pecker, as I used to call him, died about six years ago,” she said.
Did she just say Mr. Wonder Pecker? My Pirate Dave stories were beginning to sound tame compared to LeHump’s real life.
“Of gallbladder complications,” Nancy chimed in. “He was the love of Shoshanna’s life.”
“He was. We were married forty-four years”—LeHump smiled fondly—“and I miss him every day.” She paused and looked to the heavens. As cheesy as the moment was, my eyes welled with tears. “So anyway, our gay neighbor Kevin was going to get deported back to Canada because his work visa had expired. Herm, besides being Superman in the sack, was slightly psychic and had a feeling he was going to die. He suggested Kevin and I get married when he kicked the bucket. I told him he was full of shit, not about marrying Kevin—I had no problem marrying a gay man as
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