He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships by Steven Carter
Authors: Steven Carter
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whether you are on the receiving end or you are the one acting it out.
Commitment conflict isn’t just in your brain. It oozes out of every pore, coloring every moment, every thought, every action, every sentence.
Your touch says yes while your words say no; your body says stay away while your eyes say you care; your tears say you’re sorry, but your behavior doesn’t change; your smile says you’re happy, but your posture says you’re scared. There are always two messages; there is always a contradiction.
The thing to remember about commitment fear is that there is a problem committing to yes, but there is an equally overwhelmingproblem about committing to no. Commit to another person and you feel trapped, disengage from another and you worry about what happens if you change your mind. Either choice represents a limiting of options and a restriction of freedom. And maintaining options and a sense of freedom is what commitment conflict is all about.
ACTIVE COMMITMENT CONFLICTS—THE MALE-FEMALE DIFFERENCE
Until recently we presented active commitment fears almost exclusively in the context of a male behavior pattern. But as society has changed and women have achieved greater equality, they have been presented with scores of situations in which they too can act out their anxieties. Once, women who did not automatically want marriage were thought peculiar. Now many women are realizing that they can support themselves, raise their children, and function successfully in the world without male partners. The fear of being alone is no longer as threatening as it once was. For the first time women are beginning to act out commitment conflicts in ways that we traditionally associated only with men.
However, because of traditional dating patterns, men are still more likely to initiate the classic active pattern of pursuit/panic, and they are more likely to continue it for a longer period of time. The male in our society still assumes the rule of pursuer, and when a man is avoiding commitment, his avoidance is traditionally played out in that style. We have interviewed men in their seventies who were still actively running from partner to partner in the quest for the perfect mate.
The woman who is running away typically has a different style. This behavior might be more correctly described as accepting/ rejecting. Here’s the difference: a man with active conflicts may initially “come on strong.” Then as his fears materialize, he stops pursuing and starts backing off.
A woman with active commitment conflicts substitutes acceptance for pursuit. Then as her fears take form, her behavior also changes. She may express her fears by being less available, less cooperative, and more rejective. Frequently her anxiety shows itself in the number and kinds of boundaries and/or barriers she erects in order to keep the relationship from developing. Sometimes she realizes that she is making a statement about her reluctance to commit. At other times, she truly believes that it is merely a statement about women’s issues and that she is only trying to preserve her space and independence.
PATTERNS IN LOVE
If you are involved with someone with active commitment conflicts, you know that it is extraordinarily confusing at best. And if you have such conflicts, you know that you sometimes feel as though you are being ripped apart; any way you move, you feel pulled in the opposite direction.
The conflicting desires—the need to merge and the need to feel free—often create a very specific pattern in relationships. We describe this pattern as the pursuit/panic syndrome. This can be broken down into specific stages:
The Beginning: The Hard Sell (Fearless Pursuit)
At the beginning someone with active commitment conflicts usually appears to be actively seeking a partner. Responding to an intense attraction to someone new, an active avoider will do whatever is necessary to cement an involvement, frequently laying the groundwork for a
Commitment conflict isn’t just in your brain. It oozes out of every pore, coloring every moment, every thought, every action, every sentence.
Your touch says yes while your words say no; your body says stay away while your eyes say you care; your tears say you’re sorry, but your behavior doesn’t change; your smile says you’re happy, but your posture says you’re scared. There are always two messages; there is always a contradiction.
The thing to remember about commitment fear is that there is a problem committing to yes, but there is an equally overwhelmingproblem about committing to no. Commit to another person and you feel trapped, disengage from another and you worry about what happens if you change your mind. Either choice represents a limiting of options and a restriction of freedom. And maintaining options and a sense of freedom is what commitment conflict is all about.
ACTIVE COMMITMENT CONFLICTS—THE MALE-FEMALE DIFFERENCE
Until recently we presented active commitment fears almost exclusively in the context of a male behavior pattern. But as society has changed and women have achieved greater equality, they have been presented with scores of situations in which they too can act out their anxieties. Once, women who did not automatically want marriage were thought peculiar. Now many women are realizing that they can support themselves, raise their children, and function successfully in the world without male partners. The fear of being alone is no longer as threatening as it once was. For the first time women are beginning to act out commitment conflicts in ways that we traditionally associated only with men.
However, because of traditional dating patterns, men are still more likely to initiate the classic active pattern of pursuit/panic, and they are more likely to continue it for a longer period of time. The male in our society still assumes the rule of pursuer, and when a man is avoiding commitment, his avoidance is traditionally played out in that style. We have interviewed men in their seventies who were still actively running from partner to partner in the quest for the perfect mate.
The woman who is running away typically has a different style. This behavior might be more correctly described as accepting/ rejecting. Here’s the difference: a man with active conflicts may initially “come on strong.” Then as his fears materialize, he stops pursuing and starts backing off.
A woman with active commitment conflicts substitutes acceptance for pursuit. Then as her fears take form, her behavior also changes. She may express her fears by being less available, less cooperative, and more rejective. Frequently her anxiety shows itself in the number and kinds of boundaries and/or barriers she erects in order to keep the relationship from developing. Sometimes she realizes that she is making a statement about her reluctance to commit. At other times, she truly believes that it is merely a statement about women’s issues and that she is only trying to preserve her space and independence.
PATTERNS IN LOVE
If you are involved with someone with active commitment conflicts, you know that it is extraordinarily confusing at best. And if you have such conflicts, you know that you sometimes feel as though you are being ripped apart; any way you move, you feel pulled in the opposite direction.
The conflicting desires—the need to merge and the need to feel free—often create a very specific pattern in relationships. We describe this pattern as the pursuit/panic syndrome. This can be broken down into specific stages:
The Beginning: The Hard Sell (Fearless Pursuit)
At the beginning someone with active commitment conflicts usually appears to be actively seeking a partner. Responding to an intense attraction to someone new, an active avoider will do whatever is necessary to cement an involvement, frequently laying the groundwork for a
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