He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships by Steven Carter Page B

is good for you?’ That’s hard.”
    When questioned about it, Carl said that yes, he did feel claustrophobic about decision making. Each yes or no made him feel stuck. This is particularly true of relationships.
    “I worry about whether I get out of relationships because it’s the right thing to do or because I feel claustrophobic, which I almost always do. Until I was about twenty-three, it was easy going out with women and it was easy making decisions about them, because everyone took it for granted that it was just kid stuff and temporary. But now the stakes have changed. It’s a whole different ball game, and that can be paralyzing.
    “In college I never felt as though I was closing doors. But now I’m trying to find a person I want to stick with. So I’m thinking, If I go out with her and we start kissing, what will she think? Will she think we’re all wrapped up? And then next week if I meet somebody else, how will I deal with that? Now every time I’m with a woman, I’m conscious of whether I’m moving too fast. I feel that I’m closing doors. If I decide to go out with someone, I’m closing the door a little bit. If we kiss at the end of the date, I’m closing the door a little more. We go out more, I’m closing it more. We got to bed, I’m closing it a lot. And if I fall in love with her? Slam! It’s locked.”
    Listening to Carl’s attitude, it’s difficult to believe that he would ever allow a woman to cross his barriers. But in truth he has formed several intense romantic attachments with women who expected things to continue and who were very disappointed when they didn’t. He says:
    “Last week I went out to dinner with a friend, and I couldn’t decide between the grilled fish, which came with a medley of vegetables, or the fish ’n’ chips, which came with a salad. No substitutions allowed. My friend said, ‘Don’t worry, if you get the wrong one, you can always change your mind the next time.’ But that wasn’t a good enough answer. The same thing keeps happening with women. I want to pick the right one—the first time. With dinner, the second I ordered, I had regrets. I enjoyed the salad but was disappointed with the chips. So far with women, I’ve never chosen right either.”
    Carl echoes something that we have heard from many people. When the decisions are purely business related, he has no difficulty. It’s only when it becomes personal that it creates a problem. He says:
    “When it comes to business, I’m very decisive. Decisions that have personal consequences I have a hard time making. That ranges from career decisions to what movie I want to see. Decisions that are purely intellectual I can make at the drop of a hat.”
    FAULTFINDING—WHAT ACTIVE AVOIDERS TELL THEMSELVES
    Even though they want to leave their options open, active avoiders have a clear-cut pattern of forming attachments. In order to maintain their freedom they have to be particularly skillful at dissolving these tender ties. How do they justify rejecting partners at whom they may have shamelessly thrown themselves? Oncethey are involved with someone, how are they able to extricate themselves?
    Unable genuinely to confront their phobic reactions to commitment, such people usually throw at least part of the blame for failed relationships on their partner. When you can’t explain to yourself why you can’t make a long-term commitment, what you do is look for all the ways in which your partner is less than perfect. And everybody is less than perfect. It’s easy to find faults. Every person has them; every relationship has them. But to the eye of someone who is experiencing commitment panic, faults in others, whether real or imagined, are magnified and used to justify conflicted behavior.
    If an active avoider is frightened enough, nothing is sacred. Such a man or woman can find fault with your values, your religion, your intellect, your height, the way you are in the world, your hairline, your friends,