He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships by Steven Carter Page A

passionate, complicated relationship. This is not a simple con job; he or she is usually sincere in expressing what is felt—at the moment.
    The Middle: The Beginning of Fear
    The “middle” begins at the very moment that the active runner starts to feel so secure in someone else’s love that he or she begins realistically to consider commitment. This often coincides with an event that is associated with a deepening attachment. The decision whether or not to be part of this “event,” be it something as simple as celebrating a holiday together or as complicated as the joint purchase of a home, brings on the first rumblings of panic. Asfantasy recedes and reality starts to take its place, the active avoider starts placing boundaries and begins to express ambivalence and/or resentment.
    The End: Running Scared
    At this stage active runners are experiencing claustrophobic symptoms and are out of control in their need to put distance into the relationship. Even when there is still a great deal of feeling, passion, and bonding, they typically erect almost insurmountable boundaries. Because there are still a great many feelings involved, their behavior is confusing to everyone. It often ends up being very destructive to their partners.
    The Bitter End: Escape
    This is the point at which active runners must find a way out; overwhelmed by commitmentphobic anxiety and the need to get away, their behavior is frequently bizarre. Often they have formed overnight attachments to new lovers. Sometimes their behavior provokes the partner into ending the relationship. Sometimes they literally disappear. Other times the boundaries they have erected are so enormous that there is no way to get close.
    KEEPING ALL OPTIONS OPEN—CANT SAY YES, WON’T SAY NO
    For those with active commitment conflicts, maintaining options is always a need and a major priority. Carl, a twenty-eight-year-old engineer, describes how this need plays out in his life:
    “I’m always concerned that something better is waiting for me around the corner. So I’m always trying to make decisions that will leave me open for that possibility. When I’m with a woman, I try to keep it so that if I decide I don’t want the relationship anymore, it won’t be a shock. In short I try to do nothing that closes any doors and I always make the decision that leaves me with the most options. I guess that pretty much sums up how I think about things.”
    Carl says that he hates acknowledging this about himself, because he would like to think of himself as someone who can make decisions, but he admits that options are very important in his life. He says that this is one of the reasons why he is never fully comfortable with a woman.
    “While I want to be somewhat decisive and have direction, I don’t want to have so much direction that I’m limiting myself to only one set of doors. Whenever I decide to date someone exclusively, that’s a tough decision. I’m always saying to myself, How am I going to feel if I see some gorgeous woman giving me the eye? When I break up, it’s impossible because I wonder whether I’ll be able to get back with this woman if I change my mind.”
    Carl says that this attitude of maintaining options affects every single thing he does in life. “This is why I work for myself. I’ve had wonderful offers for jobs that I turned down because I didn’t want to get stuck in a job that might dead-end in a few years.
    “It even affects the way I behave in restaurants. I have a tough time choosing a restaurant and then I have a tough time ordering, although I don’t make an obviously big deal about it. It’s just that every decision is limiting. About appointments? If someone wants to make an appointment with me and they say how about ten o’clock, the first thing I think is, Is that going to get in the way of something better that might come along? I think, Which choice will leave me the most options? I hate when somebody says to me, ‘What time