Hawke: A Bad Boy Fighter Romance (With bonus book Sons of Flame MC) by Ashley Rhodes
Authors: Ashley Rhodes
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love him.
Just… not like that. I wanted to, at one point. It never happened, though. It wasn’t happening now.
My stomach twisted, and my chest tightened. It would be better if he’d never said it. “Jason,” I whispered, trying desperately to look strong right now but failing miserably, “I… I wish that I could say I felt the same, but…”
Jason’s shoulders slumped a little, his whole body caving in from the inside. His jaw muscle jumped once, twice. He blinked rapidly. “No,” he said. “No, I guess not. Why, though, Naomi? Why not? Haven’t I always been there for you? Haven’t I proven that I’m worth it? Worth a shot, at least?”
“Jason, I love you; I have for… God for most of our lives but just… not like that. You’re like my brother; I love you more than I may ever love another man, but I can’t be with you like that. Besides, Nicola would…” I bit it off, and squeezed my eyes shut when Jason’s eyes widened.
“What about Nic?” He asked. I didn’t answer immediately, and he pushed me for more, growing more tense as he did. “What about Nicola, Naomi? What does she have to do with this?”
“Fuck, Jason,” I sighed. “Are you fucking blind? Nic is gorgeous, and she is so madly in love with you she’s turning herself inside out trying to get your attention. How can you not see that?”
“I don’t know,” he said, “how can you not see me?”
“Well, I guess you probably know how Nic feels, then, don’t you?”
I waited for it to sink in. Nic would kill me when she found out about this. Would Jason be able to keep his trap shut about it? Best case, of course, was that he’d finally realize how much better Nic was for him than I was. I tried to figure if that’s the conclusion he was coming to by watching his face go through the motions but it didn’t reveal anything to me.
“Nic loves you,” Jason said finally. “And if you were happy—if I made you happy—she would be happy for both of us.”
I sighed, and slumped against the car. “Jason, you don’t get it. You and me? That’s not going to happen. If it was, it would have by now. Tell me you know that’s true.”
“I don’t,” he said. “I don’t see why it has to be.”
I wanted to hug him again, or put my hand on his shoulder, or give him a peck on the cheek—one of the things I had done a thousand times before to comfort him. But now, it seemed like any contact I made would give him the wrong idea. I wondered how long it would feel like that. Was this what it felt like when a friendship like ours changed irrevocably forever? If I answered wrong, would I lose Jason forever?
“Because, Jason, I don’t have those feelings for you, and I don’t think I ever will. I’m sorry. It’s not something I can help. And I already have those feelings—” Shit. “I mean, I’ve had those feelings before and I know what they feel like.”
Jason, though, was used to catching little details like that. He was used to listening, and to watching body language, and suddenly I was under interrogation. I could see it change in him, the way his focus sharpened to a point that felt like it was driving into me. “Who do you have feelings for, Naomi?”
I started to dissemble, but he interrupted me, seeing through my bullshit before I even dragged it out.
“God, Nic was right. You’re hung up on Jack Hawke, aren’t you?”
“No!” I snapped. “Of course not, Jason; he’s a patient, how can I get that through to the two of you?”
“You can’t,” he said, “because it isn’t true. Look at you, Naomi, you get flustered the moment he comes up. Your face is red, you’re fidgeting with keys and your scrubs, trying to keep your hands occupied. You’re even…” he examined me closely. “Your hair is a mess. What’s that on your neck? Or your earlobe, did someone…” he stopped, stared at me, his mouth open slightly. He wasn’t breathing, he seemed like he might be going into shock.
And then
Just… not like that. I wanted to, at one point. It never happened, though. It wasn’t happening now.
My stomach twisted, and my chest tightened. It would be better if he’d never said it. “Jason,” I whispered, trying desperately to look strong right now but failing miserably, “I… I wish that I could say I felt the same, but…”
Jason’s shoulders slumped a little, his whole body caving in from the inside. His jaw muscle jumped once, twice. He blinked rapidly. “No,” he said. “No, I guess not. Why, though, Naomi? Why not? Haven’t I always been there for you? Haven’t I proven that I’m worth it? Worth a shot, at least?”
“Jason, I love you; I have for… God for most of our lives but just… not like that. You’re like my brother; I love you more than I may ever love another man, but I can’t be with you like that. Besides, Nicola would…” I bit it off, and squeezed my eyes shut when Jason’s eyes widened.
“What about Nic?” He asked. I didn’t answer immediately, and he pushed me for more, growing more tense as he did. “What about Nicola, Naomi? What does she have to do with this?”
“Fuck, Jason,” I sighed. “Are you fucking blind? Nic is gorgeous, and she is so madly in love with you she’s turning herself inside out trying to get your attention. How can you not see that?”
“I don’t know,” he said, “how can you not see me?”
“Well, I guess you probably know how Nic feels, then, don’t you?”
I waited for it to sink in. Nic would kill me when she found out about this. Would Jason be able to keep his trap shut about it? Best case, of course, was that he’d finally realize how much better Nic was for him than I was. I tried to figure if that’s the conclusion he was coming to by watching his face go through the motions but it didn’t reveal anything to me.
“Nic loves you,” Jason said finally. “And if you were happy—if I made you happy—she would be happy for both of us.”
I sighed, and slumped against the car. “Jason, you don’t get it. You and me? That’s not going to happen. If it was, it would have by now. Tell me you know that’s true.”
“I don’t,” he said. “I don’t see why it has to be.”
I wanted to hug him again, or put my hand on his shoulder, or give him a peck on the cheek—one of the things I had done a thousand times before to comfort him. But now, it seemed like any contact I made would give him the wrong idea. I wondered how long it would feel like that. Was this what it felt like when a friendship like ours changed irrevocably forever? If I answered wrong, would I lose Jason forever?
“Because, Jason, I don’t have those feelings for you, and I don’t think I ever will. I’m sorry. It’s not something I can help. And I already have those feelings—” Shit. “I mean, I’ve had those feelings before and I know what they feel like.”
Jason, though, was used to catching little details like that. He was used to listening, and to watching body language, and suddenly I was under interrogation. I could see it change in him, the way his focus sharpened to a point that felt like it was driving into me. “Who do you have feelings for, Naomi?”
I started to dissemble, but he interrupted me, seeing through my bullshit before I even dragged it out.
“God, Nic was right. You’re hung up on Jack Hawke, aren’t you?”
“No!” I snapped. “Of course not, Jason; he’s a patient, how can I get that through to the two of you?”
“You can’t,” he said, “because it isn’t true. Look at you, Naomi, you get flustered the moment he comes up. Your face is red, you’re fidgeting with keys and your scrubs, trying to keep your hands occupied. You’re even…” he examined me closely. “Your hair is a mess. What’s that on your neck? Or your earlobe, did someone…” he stopped, stared at me, his mouth open slightly. He wasn’t breathing, he seemed like he might be going into shock.
And then
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