who removed the tires from his car and refuses to let him play for the big game. If your children were innocent and wrongly framed, they have every right to be angry.
So being angry in itself isn’t right or wrong; it’s how the anger is handled that is right or wrong. What should you do when your child explodes in anger?
Imagine that you have a balloon in front of you. Each time you get angry, you blow those bad feelings into the balloon. If no pressure is released after a while, the balloon will pop. But if you let a bit of air out, little by little, the balloon stays malleable, with no threat of it breaking.
That’s the goal with children: to teach them how to handle anger. If children talk about what bothers them, it’s like releasing the air out of the balloon. So give your children opportunities to talk about what is bothering them. Begin with open-ended statements: “You seem upset.” “I can tell by your face that something’s bothering you.” “I’m ready to listen if you want to talk.”
When the child finally does talk, it may be a terrible sound, like the squawk air makes when it comes out of the balloon. But remember your end goal: to keep your child malleable and less brittle.
Teach your child to use “I” statements rather than “you” statements. For example: “I feel like you don’t respect me when you do this” instead of “You diss me all the time.” Or “I feel angry when my sister goes into my room and plays with my things when she knows I don’t want her to” instead of “She’s such a jerk. She knows I don’t want her to play with my things and she does anyway.” Talking in “I” terms focuses on how your child feels about what’s happening rather than pointing an accusing finger at someone else. This method models how to talk things out rather than strike out. It also works extremely well in solving sibling rivalry. (See also “Sibling Rivalry.”)
Attending Your Place of Worship
“Jeri always went to church with us with no complaints. But the Sunday after she turned 15, she said she was sick. The Sunday after that she claimed she was sick again. By the third Sunday she simply told me that she wasn’t going to my stuffy old church anymore. That the only kids who went there were geeks and weirdos, and she didn’t want to be pegged like them. Jeri’s always been such a good kid. What went wrong?”
“When I remarried, I became a dad to Christopher, who was 13.He made it clear right off the bat that (1) he didn’t need a father, and (2) there was no way he was going to spend a day at some old church when he could be at the beach nearby with his buddies. I know he’s been through a lot of changes in the last couple years and his friends are really important, but it’s important to me for us to go as a family to church. Should I push the issue and make him go? Or will that make him hate not only me but God? Should I just give him some time and hope it works out?”
There’s a wonderful saying: “The family who goes to church together stays together.” However, what that saying didn’t add was, “. . . unless the teenagers in the family are kicking and screaming about going—in which case the family staying together is loud and not all that fun.”
Far too many parents tread on their teenagers’ feelings on this issue and ramp up this situation until it becomes a war. But before you get hot about what you think I’m going to say, hear me out.
First of all, don’t deny your child’s feelings. Let’s be honest. There are a lot of geeks and weirdos in churches (after all, churches are made up of human beings, and we all have our quirks—some of us more than others). So if your child points out that the majority of kids in the youth group are weird, then tell the truth: “You’re right. They are weird.” By telling the truth and agreeing with your child, you’ll: (1) surprise your child and get her to pay attention to your next words, and (2) get
So being angry in itself isn’t right or wrong; it’s how the anger is handled that is right or wrong. What should you do when your child explodes in anger?
Imagine that you have a balloon in front of you. Each time you get angry, you blow those bad feelings into the balloon. If no pressure is released after a while, the balloon will pop. But if you let a bit of air out, little by little, the balloon stays malleable, with no threat of it breaking.
That’s the goal with children: to teach them how to handle anger. If children talk about what bothers them, it’s like releasing the air out of the balloon. So give your children opportunities to talk about what is bothering them. Begin with open-ended statements: “You seem upset.” “I can tell by your face that something’s bothering you.” “I’m ready to listen if you want to talk.”
When the child finally does talk, it may be a terrible sound, like the squawk air makes when it comes out of the balloon. But remember your end goal: to keep your child malleable and less brittle.
Teach your child to use “I” statements rather than “you” statements. For example: “I feel like you don’t respect me when you do this” instead of “You diss me all the time.” Or “I feel angry when my sister goes into my room and plays with my things when she knows I don’t want her to” instead of “She’s such a jerk. She knows I don’t want her to play with my things and she does anyway.” Talking in “I” terms focuses on how your child feels about what’s happening rather than pointing an accusing finger at someone else. This method models how to talk things out rather than strike out. It also works extremely well in solving sibling rivalry. (See also “Sibling Rivalry.”)
Attending Your Place of Worship
“Jeri always went to church with us with no complaints. But the Sunday after she turned 15, she said she was sick. The Sunday after that she claimed she was sick again. By the third Sunday she simply told me that she wasn’t going to my stuffy old church anymore. That the only kids who went there were geeks and weirdos, and she didn’t want to be pegged like them. Jeri’s always been such a good kid. What went wrong?”
“When I remarried, I became a dad to Christopher, who was 13.He made it clear right off the bat that (1) he didn’t need a father, and (2) there was no way he was going to spend a day at some old church when he could be at the beach nearby with his buddies. I know he’s been through a lot of changes in the last couple years and his friends are really important, but it’s important to me for us to go as a family to church. Should I push the issue and make him go? Or will that make him hate not only me but God? Should I just give him some time and hope it works out?”
There’s a wonderful saying: “The family who goes to church together stays together.” However, what that saying didn’t add was, “. . . unless the teenagers in the family are kicking and screaming about going—in which case the family staying together is loud and not all that fun.”
Far too many parents tread on their teenagers’ feelings on this issue and ramp up this situation until it becomes a war. But before you get hot about what you think I’m going to say, hear me out.
First of all, don’t deny your child’s feelings. Let’s be honest. There are a lot of geeks and weirdos in churches (after all, churches are made up of human beings, and we all have our quirks—some of us more than others). So if your child points out that the majority of kids in the youth group are weird, then tell the truth: “You’re right. They are weird.” By telling the truth and agreeing with your child, you’ll: (1) surprise your child and get her to pay attention to your next words, and (2) get
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