on the same playing field as your child, where you’re seeing eye to eye.
What you say next is crucial: “Your mother and I only ask you to do a few basic things, and one of the things we expect you to do is go to our place of worship.” Before the child opens her mouth again, say, “We know you don’t want to be there, but we want you to know how thankful we are that you are willing to come with us out of respect for us. There are many things we as parents do for you that we don’t really like to do. But we do them anyway out of respect for you. So please get ready for church.”
Depending on the personality of your child, that may sway her into coming with you. But no matter what you say, some kids will throw these words in your face: “I’m will throw these not going.”
If that happens, don’t make a federal case out of it. Simply get ready for church and leave.
“What?” you’re saying. “But, Dr. Leman—”
Let me finish. After church, do one thing different: don’t come home. Make a day of it somewhere. Go out for dinner after church, go to a park or enjoy some shopping after that, see a movie. . . . In other words, take your jolly good time coming home. When you walk in after 5:00 that afternoon and your teenage son says, “Where the heck have you been?” simply say, “Church.”
“But church is over at noon,” he argues. “It’s 5:15. When are we going to get some food around here? I’m starving!”
Simply rub your full stomach and say, “Food? Don’t even mention that. The strawberry pie topped it off. . . .”
If your child continues to refuse to go to church the next week, do the same thing again. Make a day of it without the child. Then, after making your point, talk to him straight: “Frank, I realize you’re an individual, and we’re not all the same. You don’t have to believe what I believe. I can’t make you go to church. But I want to make it clear to you that I expect you to be with us next Sunday. Is that understood?”
All of a sudden the person in authority has changed, and your son is no longer in the driver’s seat. In many cases, this is all the tough love that’s needed. The next Sunday he’ll be out in the car, ready to go.
Sometimes, though, a teen will still absolutely refuse to go, even after you’ve tried the previous steps of tough love. So you as a parent have a choice. You could:
1. Let him stay home in bed like a slug, shrug, forget about it, and not raise your blood pressure.
2. Let him stay home but assign him extra work to be done around the house since he now has idle time.
Of the two options, I’d definitely choose having him do some extra work while you’re gone. Every family member needs to contribute.And part of that contribution is doing certain things together.If your teen decides he doesn’t want to contribute in that way, ramp up what he needs to contribute in another area, even if it’s something he’s not crazy about. It’s like the day the john backed up at my house. We all pitched in to clean up the mess because that was what life required of us. It wasn’t pretty, it wasn’t fun, but we did it as a family.
Don’t let your child get off scot-free just because he doesn’t “feel like” being a part of your family. Either he goes with you to your place of worship, or he pulls extra duty in another area of responsibility. (And here’s a secret: because at the heart of every child is a longing to belong and be accepted, it won’t be long, after using this technique, that your child will begin to feel lonely and want to be a part of the family again—including attending your place of worship.)
Attention Seeking
“Last week we had my new boss and his wife over for dinner. We put our 8-year-old, Charlie, in bed, and I went to the kitchen to prepare dessert. Five minutes later I heard a heart-stopping crash from the living room. Charlie had sailed down our stair railing—something he knows he’s never supposed to
What you say next is crucial: “Your mother and I only ask you to do a few basic things, and one of the things we expect you to do is go to our place of worship.” Before the child opens her mouth again, say, “We know you don’t want to be there, but we want you to know how thankful we are that you are willing to come with us out of respect for us. There are many things we as parents do for you that we don’t really like to do. But we do them anyway out of respect for you. So please get ready for church.”
Depending on the personality of your child, that may sway her into coming with you. But no matter what you say, some kids will throw these words in your face: “I’m will throw these not going.”
If that happens, don’t make a federal case out of it. Simply get ready for church and leave.
“What?” you’re saying. “But, Dr. Leman—”
Let me finish. After church, do one thing different: don’t come home. Make a day of it somewhere. Go out for dinner after church, go to a park or enjoy some shopping after that, see a movie. . . . In other words, take your jolly good time coming home. When you walk in after 5:00 that afternoon and your teenage son says, “Where the heck have you been?” simply say, “Church.”
“But church is over at noon,” he argues. “It’s 5:15. When are we going to get some food around here? I’m starving!”
Simply rub your full stomach and say, “Food? Don’t even mention that. The strawberry pie topped it off. . . .”
If your child continues to refuse to go to church the next week, do the same thing again. Make a day of it without the child. Then, after making your point, talk to him straight: “Frank, I realize you’re an individual, and we’re not all the same. You don’t have to believe what I believe. I can’t make you go to church. But I want to make it clear to you that I expect you to be with us next Sunday. Is that understood?”
All of a sudden the person in authority has changed, and your son is no longer in the driver’s seat. In many cases, this is all the tough love that’s needed. The next Sunday he’ll be out in the car, ready to go.
Sometimes, though, a teen will still absolutely refuse to go, even after you’ve tried the previous steps of tough love. So you as a parent have a choice. You could:
1. Let him stay home in bed like a slug, shrug, forget about it, and not raise your blood pressure.
2. Let him stay home but assign him extra work to be done around the house since he now has idle time.
Of the two options, I’d definitely choose having him do some extra work while you’re gone. Every family member needs to contribute.And part of that contribution is doing certain things together.If your teen decides he doesn’t want to contribute in that way, ramp up what he needs to contribute in another area, even if it’s something he’s not crazy about. It’s like the day the john backed up at my house. We all pitched in to clean up the mess because that was what life required of us. It wasn’t pretty, it wasn’t fun, but we did it as a family.
Don’t let your child get off scot-free just because he doesn’t “feel like” being a part of your family. Either he goes with you to your place of worship, or he pulls extra duty in another area of responsibility. (And here’s a secret: because at the heart of every child is a longing to belong and be accepted, it won’t be long, after using this technique, that your child will begin to feel lonely and want to be a part of the family again—including attending your place of worship.)
Attention Seeking
“Last week we had my new boss and his wife over for dinner. We put our 8-year-old, Charlie, in bed, and I went to the kitchen to prepare dessert. Five minutes later I heard a heart-stopping crash from the living room. Charlie had sailed down our stair railing—something he knows he’s never supposed to
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