do—and landed smack in the middle of a table that has our Tiffany lamp on it. The lamp shattered in a bunch of pieces, and Charlie cut his hand. Instead of serving dessert, we ended up taking Charlie to the ER to get his hand stitched up. What would possess him to do that, when he’d never done anything like that before? I was shocked.”
“Our 3-year-old twins, Kylie and Kari, always act extra silly and talk nonstop when my girlfriends come over to the house. I can never get a word in edgewise with my adult friends. It’s like the Kylie and Kari entertainment hour.”
“I was so mad yesterday. I just happened to be at the kitchen door when I saw Isaiah, my 7-year-old, bowl his 2-year-old sister over on purpose .”
“My daughter Annie wears really short miniskirts, and her T-shirts are way too tight. I swear she does it just to drive me crazy because she always gives me ‘the eye’ and waits for my reaction before she flounces out the door. It’s like she’s trying to prove that she’s a big girl and can choose her own clothing. I don’t get it. We’ve never fought about clothing, what she can wear or can’t wear. But for the past year, ever since I went back to work, it feels like she’s been trying to pick fights. I want my old girl back.”
All children crave attention, and they will do just about anything to get it. If they don’t get enough positive reinforcement from parents, they will seek attention through negative behaviors, doing things they know drive their parents crazy.
Charlie hated being left out and wanted his parents’ attention, so he sailed right into the middle of the party. Kylie and Kari didn’t leave the party; they simply decided to stay in the center of attention and let the world revolve around them. Annie created the attention by picking fights—wearing clothes she knew her mother would hate.
Some children demand that adults pay attention to them. They’re the comedians, the entertainers, the crisis creators. They go out of their way to be noticed. I was that kind of kid, so I totally understand. (Oh, the things I put my mother through!)
How can you, as a parent, respond to such a kid? When younger children use negative behavior to get your attention, say, “I see you need extra attention today, don’t you?” Such a comment generally takes the fun out of the behavior, which means the child isn’t as likely to do it again. Then say to the child, “Honey, I’d be more than happy to give you attention. Do you want me to just sit and look at you? Would that be enough?
Or do you want me to take time to read you a story and play with you for a while? I love you, and I can tell you need extra attention right now. But just so you know, I saw you push your little sister over. Was that part of your need for attention? If so, you don’t need to push your sister over to get it. If you need a hug or a kiss, just come and tell me that, and I’m happy to do it.”
When an older child uses negative behavior to get your attention, the ante is upped. Let’s say your teenage daughter flounces down the stairs wearing a skirt so short that you wince. In fact, you’ve never seen that skirt before. Did she borrow it from a friend? You wonder. . . .
You know that she’s acting like this to get your attention, but she’s also doing something else. She’s building up her skill in the power game. I’ll MAKE you pay attention to me , her attitude screams. I’m not going to be what you want me to be.
And then what does she do next? She sticks her hand out and says, “Where are the keys?”
Your response? “What keys?”
At her incredulous look, you say, “I can tell by the way you’re dressed that you’re not ready to go out.”
Will you have a big blowout? Probably. But the fact holds firm: she’s not going anywhere dressed like that.
Too many parents back down from this attention-seeking and power-driven behavior. They let things slide, thinking, She’ll come to her
“Our 3-year-old twins, Kylie and Kari, always act extra silly and talk nonstop when my girlfriends come over to the house. I can never get a word in edgewise with my adult friends. It’s like the Kylie and Kari entertainment hour.”
“I was so mad yesterday. I just happened to be at the kitchen door when I saw Isaiah, my 7-year-old, bowl his 2-year-old sister over on purpose .”
“My daughter Annie wears really short miniskirts, and her T-shirts are way too tight. I swear she does it just to drive me crazy because she always gives me ‘the eye’ and waits for my reaction before she flounces out the door. It’s like she’s trying to prove that she’s a big girl and can choose her own clothing. I don’t get it. We’ve never fought about clothing, what she can wear or can’t wear. But for the past year, ever since I went back to work, it feels like she’s been trying to pick fights. I want my old girl back.”
All children crave attention, and they will do just about anything to get it. If they don’t get enough positive reinforcement from parents, they will seek attention through negative behaviors, doing things they know drive their parents crazy.
Charlie hated being left out and wanted his parents’ attention, so he sailed right into the middle of the party. Kylie and Kari didn’t leave the party; they simply decided to stay in the center of attention and let the world revolve around them. Annie created the attention by picking fights—wearing clothes she knew her mother would hate.
Some children demand that adults pay attention to them. They’re the comedians, the entertainers, the crisis creators. They go out of their way to be noticed. I was that kind of kid, so I totally understand. (Oh, the things I put my mother through!)
How can you, as a parent, respond to such a kid? When younger children use negative behavior to get your attention, say, “I see you need extra attention today, don’t you?” Such a comment generally takes the fun out of the behavior, which means the child isn’t as likely to do it again. Then say to the child, “Honey, I’d be more than happy to give you attention. Do you want me to just sit and look at you? Would that be enough?
Or do you want me to take time to read you a story and play with you for a while? I love you, and I can tell you need extra attention right now. But just so you know, I saw you push your little sister over. Was that part of your need for attention? If so, you don’t need to push your sister over to get it. If you need a hug or a kiss, just come and tell me that, and I’m happy to do it.”
When an older child uses negative behavior to get your attention, the ante is upped. Let’s say your teenage daughter flounces down the stairs wearing a skirt so short that you wince. In fact, you’ve never seen that skirt before. Did she borrow it from a friend? You wonder. . . .
You know that she’s acting like this to get your attention, but she’s also doing something else. She’s building up her skill in the power game. I’ll MAKE you pay attention to me , her attitude screams. I’m not going to be what you want me to be.
And then what does she do next? She sticks her hand out and says, “Where are the keys?”
Your response? “What keys?”
At her incredulous look, you say, “I can tell by the way you’re dressed that you’re not ready to go out.”
Will you have a big blowout? Probably. But the fact holds firm: she’s not going anywhere dressed like that.
Too many parents back down from this attention-seeking and power-driven behavior. They let things slide, thinking, She’ll come to her
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