wooden deck. Cobalt blue tiles line the area around a sunken hot tub. He drops my hand and pulls the cover back. Steam rushes out and blinds me. I feel trapped between the vicious cold and the pull of the humid warmth. And now I see. He will have this discussion, but it will be on his terms, and we will be together in the steaming hot water while we talk.
“Let’s get in. We can talk all you want here.”
“What about your neighbors?” I look up at the back windows nervously. I’m not ready to go through the whole getting-caught thing again.
“They’re in Jamaica for a month. I know where the key to the house is, if you want to go in.”
I look up at the huge house, terrified that he’ll try to get me to trespass into another person’s private space.
“No, I don’t want to go in.”
He laughs. “Don’t worry, my mom is watering their orchids. We have a key and permission to watch their enormous TV and use their hot tub. We aren’t trespassing, relax, Park.” I breathe out and let the tension go. Does he do this to me on purpose?
“I don’t know if I can.”
“The hot water will help. It’s, uh, soothing.” I look at him. “Soothing” doesn’t sound like something he would say, but I don’t ask him because I get distracted. He’s unbuttoning his pants.
“I’m freezing, Parker. Let’s get in and warm up.”
“This isn’t what I wanted. . . .” I am not going to take my clothes off, I tell myself. No way.
“Parker.” He pulls me into his arms. “I promise I won’t push you any further or faster than you want to go. I’ll set the rules right now. No touching in the hot tub unless you initiate it, okay? You can trust me.”
“Right.” I half roll my eyes and he laughs. There is a long silence. He pushes the button and the water comes to life.
“Well, we’d better get in or we’re going to die of hypothermia,” I say, like I’ve wanted to get in the hot tub all along.
“That’s my girl.” And that approval in his voice, the warmth, is what gets me. I pull off my sweater and fold it neatly, putting it on the cedar bench behind me.
He’s already sinking into the water, completely naked. I peel off my jeans quickly and fold them because I just can’t stand to leave them in a heap on the deck. After a very long hesitation, I put my foot in.
With the cold wind rushing right through me, the water feels like it might boil my skin off. Through the steam I see him watching me.
When you think about it, your panties and bra are about the same as the average bikini, so I shouldn’t feel too self-conscious, but I can’t stop the thought of my parents’ stunned expressions in Dad’s office, and picturing them makes me feel all gross and embarrassed, and not at all what he wants. He wants someone comfortable with her body, someone who feels sexy, and I’m not that person.
I take a deep breath and plunge into the heat. My body feels boneless, like I’ve melted and become part of the water. The cold against my face and the tops of my shoulders feels marvelously cruel, burning away last week’s loneliness and my parents’ shock. True to his word, he doesn’t lay a finger on me, though our thighs are just barely whispering against each other.
“Do you want to get back together?” he asks. I feel a quick burst of excitement. Hope. I’ve been so lonely since we’ve been apart. I don’t know how to answer. He has pushed his hair back with a wet hand and it curls damply against his face. He looks vulnerable.
“We aren’t good together. We make each other crazy,” I say, because I need him to talk me into it.
“I won’t argue with that.”
“Look, you have to tell me what happened with Kandace. Don’t hold anything back.” I look at his face, look away from his face, look at his face. I need to know, but I dread what he’s going to say.
“You walked away from me, Parker.”
“I know. But I have to know where you’ve been before I consider walking back in.”
“Let’s get in. We can talk all you want here.”
“What about your neighbors?” I look up at the back windows nervously. I’m not ready to go through the whole getting-caught thing again.
“They’re in Jamaica for a month. I know where the key to the house is, if you want to go in.”
I look up at the huge house, terrified that he’ll try to get me to trespass into another person’s private space.
“No, I don’t want to go in.”
He laughs. “Don’t worry, my mom is watering their orchids. We have a key and permission to watch their enormous TV and use their hot tub. We aren’t trespassing, relax, Park.” I breathe out and let the tension go. Does he do this to me on purpose?
“I don’t know if I can.”
“The hot water will help. It’s, uh, soothing.” I look at him. “Soothing” doesn’t sound like something he would say, but I don’t ask him because I get distracted. He’s unbuttoning his pants.
“I’m freezing, Parker. Let’s get in and warm up.”
“This isn’t what I wanted. . . .” I am not going to take my clothes off, I tell myself. No way.
“Parker.” He pulls me into his arms. “I promise I won’t push you any further or faster than you want to go. I’ll set the rules right now. No touching in the hot tub unless you initiate it, okay? You can trust me.”
“Right.” I half roll my eyes and he laughs. There is a long silence. He pushes the button and the water comes to life.
“Well, we’d better get in or we’re going to die of hypothermia,” I say, like I’ve wanted to get in the hot tub all along.
“That’s my girl.” And that approval in his voice, the warmth, is what gets me. I pull off my sweater and fold it neatly, putting it on the cedar bench behind me.
He’s already sinking into the water, completely naked. I peel off my jeans quickly and fold them because I just can’t stand to leave them in a heap on the deck. After a very long hesitation, I put my foot in.
With the cold wind rushing right through me, the water feels like it might boil my skin off. Through the steam I see him watching me.
When you think about it, your panties and bra are about the same as the average bikini, so I shouldn’t feel too self-conscious, but I can’t stop the thought of my parents’ stunned expressions in Dad’s office, and picturing them makes me feel all gross and embarrassed, and not at all what he wants. He wants someone comfortable with her body, someone who feels sexy, and I’m not that person.
I take a deep breath and plunge into the heat. My body feels boneless, like I’ve melted and become part of the water. The cold against my face and the tops of my shoulders feels marvelously cruel, burning away last week’s loneliness and my parents’ shock. True to his word, he doesn’t lay a finger on me, though our thighs are just barely whispering against each other.
“Do you want to get back together?” he asks. I feel a quick burst of excitement. Hope. I’ve been so lonely since we’ve been apart. I don’t know how to answer. He has pushed his hair back with a wet hand and it curls damply against his face. He looks vulnerable.
“We aren’t good together. We make each other crazy,” I say, because I need him to talk me into it.
“I won’t argue with that.”
“Look, you have to tell me what happened with Kandace. Don’t hold anything back.” I look at his face, look away from his face, look at his face. I need to know, but I dread what he’s going to say.
“You walked away from me, Parker.”
“I know. But I have to know where you’ve been before I consider walking back in.”
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