He leans back and rests his arms against the sides of the hot tub.
“Did you know that I noticed you my very first day at Allenville? That was surreal, going back to regular school. Penbrook was quiet. There were hardwood floors, and of course, there were no girls. At Allenville it was all giggling and flirting and silliness. Then there was you. You were so aloof, so beautiful. I think I fell for you that first day. You met my eyes, but you didn’t react to me, so cool.”
“Did you sleep with Kandace Freemont?”
“Okay, okay, Park. You want complete honesty. I felt pretty bad, pretty rejected by the way things ended with us. She was there, and she was willing. I didn’t, we didn’t go the whole way, but we got a good start.”
“Oral?” He doesn’t meet my eyes, and my stomach drops. I knew this was a possibility. I knew they probably had. I wish I could stop tormenting myself like this, I really do.
“She offered.”
“And?” Now I have to pretend like I want to know, even though I don’t, not exactly. It wouldn’t be cheating exactly, and yet if he wanted to get back together with me, why would he do something like that?
“I wanted to. Really, I mean, really I wanted to. But it felt wrong and I kept thinking about you.”
“You were thinking about me when you were with her.” This is both good and bad. I want him to think about me, but I don’t want him to be with her at all. Still, it’s better than nothing.
“Well, yeah, thinking about how hot it is with you even when we’re just kissing. Thinking how I was a jerk when we had that last fight.”
“She said you were amazing on Marion’s blog.” I just can’t seem to let it go.
“I wasn’t amazing. I drove her home and told her I’d see her later, nothing really happened. Did you see what I wrote about you?”
“Let me think.” Our thighs are pressed tightly together now, the only physical connection between us, but that connection is alive, and it’s present in all my thoughts.
“Did it go something like”—I take a deep breath—“ ‘I would rather abuse myself on a nightly basis thinking about Parker Prescott than have Kandace Freemont spread-eagled on my bed’? ‘Hip-anonymous’?”
“You do know me too well.” He fakes a goofy accent, leans forward, but I don’t move in to kiss him, and by his own promise he can’t press his lips against mine. Our eyes are level, though, and I see that challenge in his again. “It’s true, you know. Do you want to see?”
“What?”
“Are you curious, Parker?” He’s taunting me, and even though I know it, I can’t stop myself from blushing. I would be lying if I said I hadn’t been curious, hadn’t wondered about the darkest, most private things that guys do, but some things are better kept secret. I lunge out of the water to stop him, even though I know he’s just teasing. I put my hands against his shoulders and push him down, and somehow I slip forward. My body rests for a moment on top of him and then we sink down back into the water together.
I am balanced on the end of his knees, I feel him. He has gone stone still. His knuckles are white as he holds the beveled edge of the hot tub. I know that with one movement, I could change everything between us forever, that’s all it would take.
I think about him for a second, not sex, just him, how much I love him and how much it hurts to love him. Then I propel myself back across the hot tub, out of his reach. I don’t feel like I did before, powerful because of his silly promise to me. I feel angry. I want to hurt him. The good feelings have been replaced by frustration. Maybe because I don’t believe his bullshit story about Kandace. Just because it’s what I want to hear doesn’t mean it’s true.
“Parker, I am sorry I pushed you so hard before. I’ll wait as long as you want.” Somehow things have changed in the last ten minutes. He’s looking at me differently, like he can’t keep his eyes off me.
“Did you know that I noticed you my very first day at Allenville? That was surreal, going back to regular school. Penbrook was quiet. There were hardwood floors, and of course, there were no girls. At Allenville it was all giggling and flirting and silliness. Then there was you. You were so aloof, so beautiful. I think I fell for you that first day. You met my eyes, but you didn’t react to me, so cool.”
“Did you sleep with Kandace Freemont?”
“Okay, okay, Park. You want complete honesty. I felt pretty bad, pretty rejected by the way things ended with us. She was there, and she was willing. I didn’t, we didn’t go the whole way, but we got a good start.”
“Oral?” He doesn’t meet my eyes, and my stomach drops. I knew this was a possibility. I knew they probably had. I wish I could stop tormenting myself like this, I really do.
“She offered.”
“And?” Now I have to pretend like I want to know, even though I don’t, not exactly. It wouldn’t be cheating exactly, and yet if he wanted to get back together with me, why would he do something like that?
“I wanted to. Really, I mean, really I wanted to. But it felt wrong and I kept thinking about you.”
“You were thinking about me when you were with her.” This is both good and bad. I want him to think about me, but I don’t want him to be with her at all. Still, it’s better than nothing.
“Well, yeah, thinking about how hot it is with you even when we’re just kissing. Thinking how I was a jerk when we had that last fight.”
“She said you were amazing on Marion’s blog.” I just can’t seem to let it go.
“I wasn’t amazing. I drove her home and told her I’d see her later, nothing really happened. Did you see what I wrote about you?”
“Let me think.” Our thighs are pressed tightly together now, the only physical connection between us, but that connection is alive, and it’s present in all my thoughts.
“Did it go something like”—I take a deep breath—“ ‘I would rather abuse myself on a nightly basis thinking about Parker Prescott than have Kandace Freemont spread-eagled on my bed’? ‘Hip-anonymous’?”
“You do know me too well.” He fakes a goofy accent, leans forward, but I don’t move in to kiss him, and by his own promise he can’t press his lips against mine. Our eyes are level, though, and I see that challenge in his again. “It’s true, you know. Do you want to see?”
“What?”
“Are you curious, Parker?” He’s taunting me, and even though I know it, I can’t stop myself from blushing. I would be lying if I said I hadn’t been curious, hadn’t wondered about the darkest, most private things that guys do, but some things are better kept secret. I lunge out of the water to stop him, even though I know he’s just teasing. I put my hands against his shoulders and push him down, and somehow I slip forward. My body rests for a moment on top of him and then we sink down back into the water together.
I am balanced on the end of his knees, I feel him. He has gone stone still. His knuckles are white as he holds the beveled edge of the hot tub. I know that with one movement, I could change everything between us forever, that’s all it would take.
I think about him for a second, not sex, just him, how much I love him and how much it hurts to love him. Then I propel myself back across the hot tub, out of his reach. I don’t feel like I did before, powerful because of his silly promise to me. I feel angry. I want to hurt him. The good feelings have been replaced by frustration. Maybe because I don’t believe his bullshit story about Kandace. Just because it’s what I want to hear doesn’t mean it’s true.
“Parker, I am sorry I pushed you so hard before. I’ll wait as long as you want.” Somehow things have changed in the last ten minutes. He’s looking at me differently, like he can’t keep his eyes off me.
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