F*ck Feelings by MD Michael Bennett

limits is necessary for restricting the damage of caring too much about flaws and failures that can’t be helped.
    So don’t look too hard for bad choices, either yours or his. Be careful to note the things he does well and the things you’ve done right as a parent. Don’t assume he’s unhappy or doing poorly because of something you didn’t notice or didn’t take care of. The only thing you may have done wrong is having unprotected sex with your spouse wherein the one wonky egg or gas-huffing sperm won the day, thus transmitting some difficult genes that are hard to live with.
    Just because educators are there to help you on your quest to improve your child’s self-esteem doesn’t mean they don’t share your sense of overresponsibility and thus the need to search for what and who’s to blame for whatever’s wrong. Meetings start out friendly, but then get tense as everybody finds faults in the other guy’s performance. Don’t go down that road or react to teachers who are caught up in that negative process.
    The best way to team up with teachers, instead of being sucked into polarizing discussions about what should or could have happened, is to note what they’re doing well for a problem that many people haven’t been able to solve. Give them the same protection from blame as you do your child and yourself.
    Of course, embrace reasonable responsibility for trying to control whatever you think can be controlled; there are rules for bad behavior that you can enforce with incentives, even if no one knows how your child will respond, and there are procedures you can follow to track homework and provide extra help. There are also procedures for setting limits on bad impulses and eating disorders. If they don’t work, get advice and try something else. In any case, stop frequently to take pride in your efforts, your child’s efforts, and the strengths you take for granted when he’s doing well. For instance, notice whatyour child does well in spite of obesity, not just what goes wrong because of it.
    By recognizing your efforts as a parent, regardless of results, you can prevent frustration and helplessness from poisoning your parenting and your hope for your child’s future. At least until he’s eighteen, when the law says your kid and his self-esteem are no longer your responsibility.
Quick Diagnosis
    Here’s what you wish for and can’t have:
    â€¢Â Power to shore up your child’s confidence
    â€¢Â Confidence in your own ability to protect your child from depression and self-dislike
    â€¢Â Access to treatment resources that will do the above
    â€¢Â Knowledge that things won’t go sour tomorrow
    Here’s what you can aim for and actually achieve:
    â€¢Â Get to be a pretty good parent
    â€¢Â Know what you can and can’t do for most problems
    â€¢Â Get reasonable professional help and judge whether it’s worthwhile
    â€¢Â Know when pretty good parenting and other help just aren’t enough
    â€¢Â Keep up morale when nothing is working
    Here’s how you can do it:
    â€¢Â Through reading, watching others, and/or your experience with your parents, create standards for being a pretty good parent that don’t depend on anyone’s being happy
    â€¢Â Using the same methods, develop reasonable procedures for managing tough problems
    â€¢Â Accept the notion that kids can suffer lots of misery, including not liking themselves, even though everyone is doing their best to do their job, including your kid
    â€¢Â Always remember the good things you and others are doing, despite a bad situation
    â€¢Â Never assume that a lack of progress means that someone has failed to do what they could have and should have done
    â€¢Â Never assume that your child’s lack of self-esteem is a personal failure or that it necessarily requires more work and attention on your