thought it was my phone. FML
Today I was walking to my car when I saw a large man walking behind me. I hurried to open my car door as he quickly approached. My door wasn’t unlocking, and I panicked. It was then that I noticed that it wasn’t even my car. As I walked away from that car, he walked up and unlocked the door of it. FML
Today a creepy man on the subway said he liked my eyeballs. It was the best compliment I’ve received in months. FML
Today the local newspaper ran a story called “Looking Good,” about fashion in school. The front page of that section featured a picture of my class. I was Photoshopped out. FML
Today I opened a birthday present from my grandfather. It was a map of the United States color-coded to show the regional percentage of available men. FML
Today my daughter asked me when was the first time I had had sex. When I told her it was at age twenty-two, she quickly shouted, “Beat ya!” She’s thirteen. FML
Today I dropped my keys. Not wanting to lean over and pick them up, I pointed at them and said
“Accio.”
I had tried to use a Harry Potter spell in public. FML
Today I had my final meeting with the psychologist who was helping me with my bipolar disorder. I just found out that he committed suicide. FML
Today I put my picture on a celebrity look-alike website. The three matches that came up were Barbra Streisand, Hillary Clinton, and Boy George. I’m sixteen. I’m a boy. FML
Today I was sitting in science class, and to my surprise I felt my pants suddenly becoming warm and wet. I looked behind me to see that four boys from my class had inserted a small funnel into my exposed butt crack and poured the melted butter from the experiment into it. FML
Today my cat was in the bathroom with me. I was getting undressed to get into the shower. My cat looked at me after I undressed and then proceeded to throw up all over the rug. FML
Today I was excited because I was going to get my college decisions back. I put all of the letters in order of my preference. Didn’t get into my first choice. Denied by my second choice. Rejected by my third choice. Wait-listed on my backup choice. Accepted for a job at Target. FML
Today I was masturbating into a sock when I felt something on my cock. I quickly ripped the sock off and threw it on the floor. A huge spider came scurrying out. FML
Today I was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I called all my family members to invite them over this evening, telling them that I had some very important news for them that could not wait. They all declined the invite. When I asked why, they said they were going to my cousin’s house to watch his new TV. FML
Today, after taking a shower, I decided to weigh myself. I peered down. I couldn’t see the scale. FML
Today I decided to introduce my girlfriend to my parents by telling them that we were going to have a very special guest for dinner. While my mom was preparing the meal, she asked, “What does he like?” I’m straight. My parents thought differently. FML
The Banes of Our Existence
When we come across someone mean, cynical, or just plain evil, there’s nothing much to laugh about (well, maybe a little). Some people are just bad, and the worst are those few who don’t know it. Let us now lower these miserable pieces of human waste into the smoldering embers of hell and bid them good riddance, for these are the people who make our lives a regular nightmare.
Today I got in line at the grocery store. The woman in front of me looked right at me, turned to her friend, and said, “That reminds me, I forgot to get acne cream.” FML
Today I was on a train, sitting next to an old man who was reading a newspaper. Suddenly he sneezed without putting his hands over his nose. Instead of turning toward the window first, he turned toward me. FML
Today, during dinner, my new girlfriend’s father stroked my leg several times under the table with his bare foot. FML
Today I was discussing my family heritage
Today I was walking to my car when I saw a large man walking behind me. I hurried to open my car door as he quickly approached. My door wasn’t unlocking, and I panicked. It was then that I noticed that it wasn’t even my car. As I walked away from that car, he walked up and unlocked the door of it. FML
Today a creepy man on the subway said he liked my eyeballs. It was the best compliment I’ve received in months. FML
Today the local newspaper ran a story called “Looking Good,” about fashion in school. The front page of that section featured a picture of my class. I was Photoshopped out. FML
Today I opened a birthday present from my grandfather. It was a map of the United States color-coded to show the regional percentage of available men. FML
Today my daughter asked me when was the first time I had had sex. When I told her it was at age twenty-two, she quickly shouted, “Beat ya!” She’s thirteen. FML
Today I dropped my keys. Not wanting to lean over and pick them up, I pointed at them and said
“Accio.”
I had tried to use a Harry Potter spell in public. FML
Today I had my final meeting with the psychologist who was helping me with my bipolar disorder. I just found out that he committed suicide. FML
Today I put my picture on a celebrity look-alike website. The three matches that came up were Barbra Streisand, Hillary Clinton, and Boy George. I’m sixteen. I’m a boy. FML
Today I was sitting in science class, and to my surprise I felt my pants suddenly becoming warm and wet. I looked behind me to see that four boys from my class had inserted a small funnel into my exposed butt crack and poured the melted butter from the experiment into it. FML
Today my cat was in the bathroom with me. I was getting undressed to get into the shower. My cat looked at me after I undressed and then proceeded to throw up all over the rug. FML
Today I was excited because I was going to get my college decisions back. I put all of the letters in order of my preference. Didn’t get into my first choice. Denied by my second choice. Rejected by my third choice. Wait-listed on my backup choice. Accepted for a job at Target. FML
Today I was masturbating into a sock when I felt something on my cock. I quickly ripped the sock off and threw it on the floor. A huge spider came scurrying out. FML
Today I was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I called all my family members to invite them over this evening, telling them that I had some very important news for them that could not wait. They all declined the invite. When I asked why, they said they were going to my cousin’s house to watch his new TV. FML
Today, after taking a shower, I decided to weigh myself. I peered down. I couldn’t see the scale. FML
Today I decided to introduce my girlfriend to my parents by telling them that we were going to have a very special guest for dinner. While my mom was preparing the meal, she asked, “What does he like?” I’m straight. My parents thought differently. FML
The Banes of Our Existence
When we come across someone mean, cynical, or just plain evil, there’s nothing much to laugh about (well, maybe a little). Some people are just bad, and the worst are those few who don’t know it. Let us now lower these miserable pieces of human waste into the smoldering embers of hell and bid them good riddance, for these are the people who make our lives a regular nightmare.
Today I got in line at the grocery store. The woman in front of me looked right at me, turned to her friend, and said, “That reminds me, I forgot to get acne cream.” FML
Today I was on a train, sitting next to an old man who was reading a newspaper. Suddenly he sneezed without putting his hands over his nose. Instead of turning toward the window first, he turned toward me. FML
Today, during dinner, my new girlfriend’s father stroked my leg several times under the table with his bare foot. FML
Today I was discussing my family heritage
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