F My Life by Maxime Valette

have thought I was sleeping, I noticed that she was masturbating. FML
    Today, for the first time ever, I saw a vagina in person. It was during med school training on how to do a pelvic exam. FML
    Today, at the elementary school where I teach, the kids all voted for their favorite teacher. I was the only one to receive zero votes. When I asked a small group of students why no one had voted for me, one boy replied, “Because you’re the ugliest.” FML
    Today I was going down on a girl. When I looked up, she was texting. FML
    Today my phone rang for the first time in four days. It was my mom. She had dialed the wrong number. FML
    Today I discovered a drawer in my house that was full of chocolates, cookies, and baked goods. When I asked my sister what the drawer was for, she told me that my mom thought it would be a good idea to hide the fattening foods from me. My entire family knew about the food drawer except me. FML
    Today I woke up around 5:00 a.m. after a party I had given last night. I was still quite drunk. This chick from the night before was lying next to me. I kissed her, and about a minute and a half into some heavy making out she opened her eyes and said, “Oh, it’s you.” Then she got up and walked out. FML
    Today, having just told me what a great job I’ve been doing and how he’d really like to start giving me some more responsibility, my boss asked me if I’d sharpen a couple of pencils for him. FML
    Today I am finally dating the girl I have liked on and off for the past year. In the school play. FML
    Today I cut myself with childproof scissors. FML
    Today a flight attendant asked me if I was airsick, because I looked really pale. I told her that that was my normal complexion but thanked her for her concern. She insisted, “No, that can’t be normal.” FML
    Today I couldn’t decide what was worse, my mom walking in on me pleasuring myself or the one-hour talk about how it’s perfectly normal and even she does it. FML
    Today my sister teased me about being a mistake. When I told my mom what my sister had said, her response was “I still love you anyway.” FML
    Today I made a joke about my wedding to my mom, and she told me not to joke about something that will probably never happen. FML
    Today I finally reunited with old friends from school. It was great to see everyone all grown up and hear their stories. Before leaving, we decided to have a group photo for old times’ sake. They asked me to take the picture. FML
    Today I received my passport in the mail. They got my birth date wrong. Then I picked up my birth certificate, which I had sent in with the application. It turned out that my parents have been celebrating my birthday on the wrong day for sixteen years. FML
    Today I found dark hairs growing on my chest, nipples, and stomach. I’m a nineteen-year-old girl. FML

    Today I was giving my boyfriend a blow job. He was twitching and moving around and saying, “Oh yeah;” then he said, “Take that, bitch.” I looked up to see that he was only excited about how he was dominating in Call of Duty 4. FML
    Today I submitted my picture to a rating website. It was rejected because I didn’t clarify which person I was. The picture was of my dog and me. FML
    Today I took a friend out for what I thought was a date. After dinner was over and I had paid, she pulled the bill out and wrote her name and phone number on it for the waiter. FML
    Today my girlfriend and I were watching a show about sex on the Discovery channel. The topic of female orgasms came up, and she said, “Wow, I wonder what that’s like?” We’ve been sexually active for three years. FML
    Today I was complaining to my mom about how my sister looked like a Barbie doll next to me. I was saying how she was so tan and her hair looked great compared to mine. My mom paused for a while and then said, “Well, you’re pretty on the inside.” FML
    Today I was having sex for the first time with a girl I really like. After a while I told