her I was about to come. She replied, “Lucky you.” FML
Today I was happy because I heard my exact shirt and sweater were in Seventeen magazine. They were in the “what not to wear” category FML
Today I told my college friend that I considered her to be my best friend. She responded, “I don’t think you should call me that.” FML
Today, the ninth-grade dean called me in to his office to talk. He asked me if I was new because it seemed like I was having trouble making friends. I’ve been going to the same school, with the same people, since kindergarten. FML
Today, at the end of a really long day, my boyfriend was rubbing my back. I told him I appreciated how sensitive he was being. His response? “I was just trying to figure out how to unhook your bra.” FML
Today I realized that my life is so boring that I could not think of a single thing to complain about. FML
Today I got fired from a great babysitting job because the little girl said I was boring. FML
Today I was watching a documentary about the world’s fattest man. Halfway through the show, the reporter started talking about the guy’s girlfriend. The fattest man in the world has a girlfriend. I’m twenty-one and have never had a girlfriend. FML
Today I was walking home from work, and a woman asked me to come inside for a free meal. It was at a homeless shelter. FML
Today I found out that my boyfriend owns and wears more thongs than I do. FML
Today I got my fake ID and went out with the boys to dinner and the bars. One of my friends asked to see my ID. He noticed that according to the birth date on it I wasn’t over twenty-one. I had paid $170 for a fake ID with my real birth date. FML
Today my boyfriend fell asleep during phone sex. FML
Today I asked to borrow my fat friend’s pants for a semiformal tomorrow. I figured I’d just get a belt to hold the pants up. The pants fit me. FML
Today I realized that there are more framed pictures of my mom’s dog than pictures of me around the house. FML
Today my boyfriend broke up with me. I cried and told him that I loved him. He gave me a quarter and told me to call someone who cared. I threw the quarter in his face and ran. I waited for the bus, but when I got on, I realized I was twenty-five cents short of the fare. I walked home in the rain. FML
Today my boyfriend gave me a card for my birthday and told me to open it ten minutes after he’d left. I waited five minutes. Inside the card it said, “It’s not working out, but here’s twenty bucks.” FML
Today a girl I really like mentioned that she was home alone and that she was really, really lonely. She asked if I wanted to come over and watch a few movies with her. As I prepared to leave, she sent me a text saying, “Can you pick up my friend Spencer?” FML
Today I found out that my ex-girlfriend put Nair in my shampoo before moving out. I’m now bald. FML
Today I went to the doctor, and the nurse asked if I was married, to which I responded “yes.” She then asked if I was sexually active. My response: “No.” FML
Today my mom walked in on me while I was looking at a 1978 copy of
Playboy.
She asked if I had found it in the basement. I said yes. Then I realized that she was the centerfold. FML
Today I told a girl I liked her. She replied, “Don’t.” FML
Today my boyfriend asked me what I had enjoyed most about the weekend we’d spent together. I mentioned in detail a certain move he had pulled during sex. When asked what he enjoyed most, he replied, “Putting my fish tank together.” FML
Today I was walking along the street and passed a young couple. Over my shoulder I heard the girl say to her boyfriend, “Would you still love me if I looked like her?” FML
Today my name was called during an assembly because I had won a prize. Everyone booed. FML
Today I was sitting in class, and I fell asleep during the lesson. I was wearing sweatpants and had an erection. My teacher came up to me and grabbed my penis. She
Today I was happy because I heard my exact shirt and sweater were in Seventeen magazine. They were in the “what not to wear” category FML
Today I told my college friend that I considered her to be my best friend. She responded, “I don’t think you should call me that.” FML
Today, the ninth-grade dean called me in to his office to talk. He asked me if I was new because it seemed like I was having trouble making friends. I’ve been going to the same school, with the same people, since kindergarten. FML
Today, at the end of a really long day, my boyfriend was rubbing my back. I told him I appreciated how sensitive he was being. His response? “I was just trying to figure out how to unhook your bra.” FML
Today I realized that my life is so boring that I could not think of a single thing to complain about. FML
Today I got fired from a great babysitting job because the little girl said I was boring. FML
Today I was watching a documentary about the world’s fattest man. Halfway through the show, the reporter started talking about the guy’s girlfriend. The fattest man in the world has a girlfriend. I’m twenty-one and have never had a girlfriend. FML
Today I was walking home from work, and a woman asked me to come inside for a free meal. It was at a homeless shelter. FML
Today I found out that my boyfriend owns and wears more thongs than I do. FML
Today I got my fake ID and went out with the boys to dinner and the bars. One of my friends asked to see my ID. He noticed that according to the birth date on it I wasn’t over twenty-one. I had paid $170 for a fake ID with my real birth date. FML
Today my boyfriend fell asleep during phone sex. FML
Today I asked to borrow my fat friend’s pants for a semiformal tomorrow. I figured I’d just get a belt to hold the pants up. The pants fit me. FML
Today I realized that there are more framed pictures of my mom’s dog than pictures of me around the house. FML
Today my boyfriend broke up with me. I cried and told him that I loved him. He gave me a quarter and told me to call someone who cared. I threw the quarter in his face and ran. I waited for the bus, but when I got on, I realized I was twenty-five cents short of the fare. I walked home in the rain. FML
Today my boyfriend gave me a card for my birthday and told me to open it ten minutes after he’d left. I waited five minutes. Inside the card it said, “It’s not working out, but here’s twenty bucks.” FML
Today a girl I really like mentioned that she was home alone and that she was really, really lonely. She asked if I wanted to come over and watch a few movies with her. As I prepared to leave, she sent me a text saying, “Can you pick up my friend Spencer?” FML
Today I found out that my ex-girlfriend put Nair in my shampoo before moving out. I’m now bald. FML
Today I went to the doctor, and the nurse asked if I was married, to which I responded “yes.” She then asked if I was sexually active. My response: “No.” FML
Today my mom walked in on me while I was looking at a 1978 copy of
Playboy.
She asked if I had found it in the basement. I said yes. Then I realized that she was the centerfold. FML
Today I told a girl I liked her. She replied, “Don’t.” FML
Today my boyfriend asked me what I had enjoyed most about the weekend we’d spent together. I mentioned in detail a certain move he had pulled during sex. When asked what he enjoyed most, he replied, “Putting my fish tank together.” FML
Today I was walking along the street and passed a young couple. Over my shoulder I heard the girl say to her boyfriend, “Would you still love me if I looked like her?” FML
Today my name was called during an assembly because I had won a prize. Everyone booed. FML
Today I was sitting in class, and I fell asleep during the lesson. I was wearing sweatpants and had an erection. My teacher came up to me and grabbed my penis. She
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