George’s leg?”
Jackie snatched Tilly’s walking stick off the ground and handed it to me. “They decided to play croquet,” she said under her breath. “George’s leg was the mallet. Alice was supposed to be up next.”
My jaw came unhinged. “What were they using for balls?”
She shook her head. “You don’t wanna know.”
Oh, God. “Eyes on me, everyone! One last time. Where? Is? Nana?”
“I had to go potty,” she called out as she shuffled up behind me in her little size-5 sneakers.
I exhaled the breath I’d been holding and wrapped my arms around her. “Stop doing that! You scared the bejeebers out of me.”
“Emily, dear, what a nice surprise. I wasn’t expectin’ to see you here. Listen, everyone,” she enthused as she turned to the group. “If anyone’s gotta go potty, I found a real nice one in that corner buildin’ over there. Only thing is, I think I was in the wrong section ’cause a fella poked his hand under the partition while I was sittin’ there doin’ my business. He didn’t speak no English, but I figured he didn’t have no toilet paper, so I helped him out and give him a big wad. Poor fella. God only knows how long he’d been holed up in that stall before I come along.”
I hung my head. Maybe it was time for me to switch careers to something less stressful—like, say, bomb defuser.
“Where’s that bird, Helen?” Margi squinted in my direction. “I can’t see it anymore. I think there’s something wrong with my glasses.”
Osmond removed his wire rims. “Here, try mine.”
“Stop that!” I scolded. “You can’t wear each other’s glasses.”
Nana’s shoulders slumped as if weighted by concrete shoulder pads. “You don’t know the half of it, dear.”
Why did I not want to know what that meant?
“Everyone is here except for Dick Teig and Dick Stolee,” I said, raising my voice several decibels. “Does anyone know where they are?”
Jackie snorted. “Good luck with that one.”
“My Dick is missing?” Helen studied the faces around her with sudden interest. “When did that happen?”
Yup. It was going to be a long night. I rephrased my question. “When is the last time you saw the two Dicks?”
“September twenty-first, nineteen-fifty-nine,” said George.
Osmond raised his hand. “Why is Helen missing her dick? Did she have a sex change?”
“See what I mean?” taunted Jackie.
“What is wrong with all of you?” I cried.
“It’s on account a the chocolate cake,” Nana blurted out. “The pastry shop what Jackie sent us to was closed, so we found another one. But while we was sittin’ there, eatin’ our pastries, everyone’s eyes started goin’ berserk.”
I frowned. “Define berserk.”
“Well, the Dicks was complainin’ about lightnin’ bolts flashin’ in front of their eyes. George swore he seen giant flies attackin’ him. And Bernice said she could make me look a whole lot more like Winston Churchill if I’d let her move my nose closer to my eyebrows.”
“Hmm. Ocular migraines can cause symptoms like that, but I don’t understand why all of you started suffering the same effects at the same time. That’s really weird.” I tilted Nana’s chin up so I could examine her eyes. “Are you seeing anything unusual?”
“I seen Dick Stolee pull out his wallet to pay the taxi. That was pretty unusual.”
“So, everyone’s eyes went berserk except yours?”
She nodded glumly. “It was pretty disappointin’. Everyone else was seein’ fireworks and insects. All I got to see was George swattin’ kamikaze flies.”
I shook my head. “Why do you suppose you were the only person not affected?”
“I think it’s ’cause I didn’t eat no chocolate cake. They run out by the time I give ’em my order, so I got a poppyseed muffin instead and it tasted so bad, I give it to the Dicks. They didn’t notice it tasted funny on account of they eat so fast, they don’t know what they’re chewin’ half the
Jackie snatched Tilly’s walking stick off the ground and handed it to me. “They decided to play croquet,” she said under her breath. “George’s leg was the mallet. Alice was supposed to be up next.”
My jaw came unhinged. “What were they using for balls?”
She shook her head. “You don’t wanna know.”
Oh, God. “Eyes on me, everyone! One last time. Where? Is? Nana?”
“I had to go potty,” she called out as she shuffled up behind me in her little size-5 sneakers.
I exhaled the breath I’d been holding and wrapped my arms around her. “Stop doing that! You scared the bejeebers out of me.”
“Emily, dear, what a nice surprise. I wasn’t expectin’ to see you here. Listen, everyone,” she enthused as she turned to the group. “If anyone’s gotta go potty, I found a real nice one in that corner buildin’ over there. Only thing is, I think I was in the wrong section ’cause a fella poked his hand under the partition while I was sittin’ there doin’ my business. He didn’t speak no English, but I figured he didn’t have no toilet paper, so I helped him out and give him a big wad. Poor fella. God only knows how long he’d been holed up in that stall before I come along.”
I hung my head. Maybe it was time for me to switch careers to something less stressful—like, say, bomb defuser.
“Where’s that bird, Helen?” Margi squinted in my direction. “I can’t see it anymore. I think there’s something wrong with my glasses.”
Osmond removed his wire rims. “Here, try mine.”
“Stop that!” I scolded. “You can’t wear each other’s glasses.”
Nana’s shoulders slumped as if weighted by concrete shoulder pads. “You don’t know the half of it, dear.”
Why did I not want to know what that meant?
“Everyone is here except for Dick Teig and Dick Stolee,” I said, raising my voice several decibels. “Does anyone know where they are?”
Jackie snorted. “Good luck with that one.”
“My Dick is missing?” Helen studied the faces around her with sudden interest. “When did that happen?”
Yup. It was going to be a long night. I rephrased my question. “When is the last time you saw the two Dicks?”
“September twenty-first, nineteen-fifty-nine,” said George.
Osmond raised his hand. “Why is Helen missing her dick? Did she have a sex change?”
“See what I mean?” taunted Jackie.
“What is wrong with all of you?” I cried.
“It’s on account a the chocolate cake,” Nana blurted out. “The pastry shop what Jackie sent us to was closed, so we found another one. But while we was sittin’ there, eatin’ our pastries, everyone’s eyes started goin’ berserk.”
I frowned. “Define berserk.”
“Well, the Dicks was complainin’ about lightnin’ bolts flashin’ in front of their eyes. George swore he seen giant flies attackin’ him. And Bernice said she could make me look a whole lot more like Winston Churchill if I’d let her move my nose closer to my eyebrows.”
“Hmm. Ocular migraines can cause symptoms like that, but I don’t understand why all of you started suffering the same effects at the same time. That’s really weird.” I tilted Nana’s chin up so I could examine her eyes. “Are you seeing anything unusual?”
“I seen Dick Stolee pull out his wallet to pay the taxi. That was pretty unusual.”
“So, everyone’s eyes went berserk except yours?”
She nodded glumly. “It was pretty disappointin’. Everyone else was seein’ fireworks and insects. All I got to see was George swattin’ kamikaze flies.”
I shook my head. “Why do you suppose you were the only person not affected?”
“I think it’s ’cause I didn’t eat no chocolate cake. They run out by the time I give ’em my order, so I got a poppyseed muffin instead and it tasted so bad, I give it to the Dicks. They didn’t notice it tasted funny on account of they eat so fast, they don’t know what they’re chewin’ half the
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