the night from every opened door. Lights blazed like electric rainbows—flood lights, strobe lights, flashing lights, street lights. Graffiti defiled every staircase and door stoop. Whistles vied with cat calls. Onlookers lingered in boisterous circles, crowded the hoods of parked cars, and hung from the railings of staircases and balconies, chanting and singing with drunken abandon. A carnival atmosphere prevailed, reminding me of the annual Windsor City Hog Festival, only without the Tilt-A-Whirl or the hog.
“Define ‘high’,” I asked Jackie as a tattooed guy with spiked purple hair and anchor chains dangling from his nose sauntered up to us. He swayed slightly as he eyeballed Jackie’s boots.
“N iiii ce,” he slurred, sticking his tongue out as if to lick them. “My girl would look sooo hot in them. How about you slip ’em off and hand ’em over.”
Jackie stared him straight in the eye and lowered her voice to a deep basso. “How about you get lost before I rip that tongue ornament out of your head and use it to pierce what’s left of your brain?”
He turned abruptly on his heel and staggered back into the crowd, proving one of those axioms of human nature: it was mind- numbingly scary to be threatened by a six-foot Barbie doll with Darth Vader’s voice.
“Pervert,” Jackie sniped. Wheeling around, she motioned for me to follow her down the alleyway behind us.
“Where are we going?” I asked as I chased after her.
She stopped in front of a gaggle of seniors who were huddled near a brick building, making strange animal noises and laughing giddily at each other. Jackie swept her arm toward them. “I did what I could. They’re all yours now.”
I did a sudden double-take. Oh, my God! It was them! I took a quick head count. Onetwothreefour—
“Look, everyone,” giggled Margi as she pointed at me. “It’s—You know. Her. The girl who’s on the tour with us.” She swayed against Tilly in super-slow motion and giggled some more.
Fivesixseveneight. EIGHT? That couldn’t be right. Onetwo-threefour—
“Are we on a tour?” Bernice twirled in a slow circle, head back and mouth open, as if she were trying to catch snowflakes on her tongue. “I was wondering what we were doing here.”
Fivesixseven … eight. Nuts!
“ Ewwww ,” said Alice, hugging George’s prosthetic leg to her chest and gazing skyward. “Look at the pretty colors.”
“Who’s missing?” I cried at them.
Osmond raised his hand. “I am.”
I looked left. I looked right. No Dick Teig. No Dick Stolee. No—. My heart stopped in panic. “Where’s Nana?”
They regarded me stupidly with their glassy eyes and goofy smiles.
“Why is there a bird sitting on your head?” asked Helen, tilting her head to view it from another angle.
Eh! Somewhere between the hotel and here, Helen had apparently lost both her eyebrows and replaced them with adhesive bandages that she’d colored with permanent black marker. Not the best fix, but in comparison to what everyone else around here looked like, it was actually quite attractive.
Tilly stared trancelike at my bare head. “That’s Pteroglossus torquatus ,” she whispered in awe, “found only in the tropical rainforests of Belize, Guatemala, Honduras—”
“ Ewwww ,” cooed Alice, eyeing me in a similar manner. “Look at the pretty feathers.”
“—Nicaragua, Costa Rica, Panama, Colombia—”
“There is no bird on my head,” I shouted.
“—Equador, Venezuela.” Tilly swung her walking stick into the air. “Do you want me to knock the damn thing onto its keister?”
“No!” I ducked as her cane whirled toward my head.
“Why is the pavement shaking?” asked Grace, squatting low and riding out the tremor like a surfer riding a wave. “ Weeeeee !”
“That’s enough!” I yelled. “Grace, stand up. There’s no earthquake. Alice, give George back his leg.” I narrowed my gaze as my brain caught up to my eyes. “Alice, why are you holding
“Define ‘high’,” I asked Jackie as a tattooed guy with spiked purple hair and anchor chains dangling from his nose sauntered up to us. He swayed slightly as he eyeballed Jackie’s boots.
“N iiii ce,” he slurred, sticking his tongue out as if to lick them. “My girl would look sooo hot in them. How about you slip ’em off and hand ’em over.”
Jackie stared him straight in the eye and lowered her voice to a deep basso. “How about you get lost before I rip that tongue ornament out of your head and use it to pierce what’s left of your brain?”
He turned abruptly on his heel and staggered back into the crowd, proving one of those axioms of human nature: it was mind- numbingly scary to be threatened by a six-foot Barbie doll with Darth Vader’s voice.
“Pervert,” Jackie sniped. Wheeling around, she motioned for me to follow her down the alleyway behind us.
“Where are we going?” I asked as I chased after her.
She stopped in front of a gaggle of seniors who were huddled near a brick building, making strange animal noises and laughing giddily at each other. Jackie swept her arm toward them. “I did what I could. They’re all yours now.”
I did a sudden double-take. Oh, my God! It was them! I took a quick head count. Onetwothreefour—
“Look, everyone,” giggled Margi as she pointed at me. “It’s—You know. Her. The girl who’s on the tour with us.” She swayed against Tilly in super-slow motion and giggled some more.
Fivesixseveneight. EIGHT? That couldn’t be right. Onetwo-threefour—
“Are we on a tour?” Bernice twirled in a slow circle, head back and mouth open, as if she were trying to catch snowflakes on her tongue. “I was wondering what we were doing here.”
Fivesixseven … eight. Nuts!
“ Ewwww ,” said Alice, hugging George’s prosthetic leg to her chest and gazing skyward. “Look at the pretty colors.”
“Who’s missing?” I cried at them.
Osmond raised his hand. “I am.”
I looked left. I looked right. No Dick Teig. No Dick Stolee. No—. My heart stopped in panic. “Where’s Nana?”
They regarded me stupidly with their glassy eyes and goofy smiles.
“Why is there a bird sitting on your head?” asked Helen, tilting her head to view it from another angle.
Eh! Somewhere between the hotel and here, Helen had apparently lost both her eyebrows and replaced them with adhesive bandages that she’d colored with permanent black marker. Not the best fix, but in comparison to what everyone else around here looked like, it was actually quite attractive.
Tilly stared trancelike at my bare head. “That’s Pteroglossus torquatus ,” she whispered in awe, “found only in the tropical rainforests of Belize, Guatemala, Honduras—”
“ Ewwww ,” cooed Alice, eyeing me in a similar manner. “Look at the pretty feathers.”
“—Nicaragua, Costa Rica, Panama, Colombia—”
“There is no bird on my head,” I shouted.
“—Equador, Venezuela.” Tilly swung her walking stick into the air. “Do you want me to knock the damn thing onto its keister?”
“No!” I ducked as her cane whirled toward my head.
“Why is the pavement shaking?” asked Grace, squatting low and riding out the tremor like a surfer riding a wave. “ Weeeeee !”
“That’s enough!” I yelled. “Grace, stand up. There’s no earthquake. Alice, give George back his leg.” I narrowed my gaze as my brain caught up to my eyes. “Alice, why are you holding
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