OF THE SELLER, a TREE ROOT that for 127 years has been totally benign, suddenly, as if guided by DESTINY, decides to block the MAIN MUNICIPAL WASTEWATER LINE in front of the seller’s house, causing a veritable VOLCANO OF RAW SEWAGE to erupt right in the SELLER’S GUEST BATHROOM and quickly flow THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE while the SELLER is out at the SUPERMARKET picking up a bottle of WINDEX so as to put the last few finishing touches on the HOUSE so that it will be neat as a PIN for the NEW OWNERS, thenHA HA the SELLER has to give the BUYER all his DEPOSIT MONEY back and the SELLER can kiss the whole deal GOOD-BYE.
So for the two months, or whatever, between the time you sign the contract and the time you actually close the deal, you’ll experience a condition that famed psychologist Sigmund Freud identified as Agreement of Sale Paranoia. You’ll be afraid to use the heating or air-conditioning systems; afraid to use the water faucets, turn on lights, or close doors firmly; afraid even to speak too loudly, for fear that you might set off some kind of sympathetic vibration that will cause the whole house to fall down. In short, you will become a crazy person. “YOU FOOL!” you’ll shriek, leaping out from behind your hedge and tackling the UPS man just as he’s about to ring your doorbell. “Are you trying to KILL US ALL?”
This is a natural reaction, but the truth is, you probably have nothing to worry about. The odds are that nothing bad will happen, and when you finally get to the RitualClosing Ceremony, when you realize that the whole thing is going to work out after all, you’ll experience a feeling of relief, a feeling that will grow stronger and stronger until, moments before the sale is legally finalized, you are knocked to the floor by the shock wave from the gas main exploding directly under your house.
But you’re not going to let a little thing like the total destruction of your house, seconds before you were about to sell it, get you down. No, you are made of sterner stuff than that: you are a Homeowner. You’re not a particularly
bright
one, given the fact that you bought this book, but nevertheless you are going to pick up the pieces of your life, as soon as they come down out of the sky, and get on with your life. Because you know that you’ll have plenty more homes to own before you finally shuffle off what we in the real estate profession call “this mortal coil” and go up to that Great Subdivision in the Sky. I’m willing to bet there will be nothing in your price range.
Available now in bookstores everywhere!
DAVE BARRY’S COMPLETE
GUIDE TO GUYS
by Dave Barry
Published in hardcover by Random House
Turn the page for a sneak preview
from Barry’s outrageous new book …
INTRODUCTION
Guys vs. Men
This is a book about guys. It’s
not
a book about men. There are already way too many books about men. Most of these books fall into one of two categories:
Anti-Men Books declaring that men are oppressive, self-centered, testosterone-crazed scum who can’t even commit themselves to an entire TV show, let alone a monogamous relationship; plus they tend to think that they’re the only major gender capable of running large corporations and governmental institutions, despite the fact that the vast majority of them have never figured out how to do a load of laundry without having the underwear come out purple.
Pro-Men Books declaring that men are, deep down inside, vibrant earthy spiritual beings who are capable of great sensitivity if they get back in touch with their inner selves via introspection and hugging and chanting and pounding on drums even though they may have no musical talent, let alone a bass player.
Don’t get me wrong: These books are fine in their place, which is garage sales. The problem with them, in my opinion, is that they take men far too seriously. “Men” itself is a serious word, not to mention “manhood”and “manly.” Such words make being male sound
So for the two months, or whatever, between the time you sign the contract and the time you actually close the deal, you’ll experience a condition that famed psychologist Sigmund Freud identified as Agreement of Sale Paranoia. You’ll be afraid to use the heating or air-conditioning systems; afraid to use the water faucets, turn on lights, or close doors firmly; afraid even to speak too loudly, for fear that you might set off some kind of sympathetic vibration that will cause the whole house to fall down. In short, you will become a crazy person. “YOU FOOL!” you’ll shriek, leaping out from behind your hedge and tackling the UPS man just as he’s about to ring your doorbell. “Are you trying to KILL US ALL?”
This is a natural reaction, but the truth is, you probably have nothing to worry about. The odds are that nothing bad will happen, and when you finally get to the RitualClosing Ceremony, when you realize that the whole thing is going to work out after all, you’ll experience a feeling of relief, a feeling that will grow stronger and stronger until, moments before the sale is legally finalized, you are knocked to the floor by the shock wave from the gas main exploding directly under your house.
But you’re not going to let a little thing like the total destruction of your house, seconds before you were about to sell it, get you down. No, you are made of sterner stuff than that: you are a Homeowner. You’re not a particularly
bright
one, given the fact that you bought this book, but nevertheless you are going to pick up the pieces of your life, as soon as they come down out of the sky, and get on with your life. Because you know that you’ll have plenty more homes to own before you finally shuffle off what we in the real estate profession call “this mortal coil” and go up to that Great Subdivision in the Sky. I’m willing to bet there will be nothing in your price range.
Available now in bookstores everywhere!
DAVE BARRY’S COMPLETE
GUIDE TO GUYS
by Dave Barry
Published in hardcover by Random House
Turn the page for a sneak preview
from Barry’s outrageous new book …
INTRODUCTION
Guys vs. Men
This is a book about guys. It’s
not
a book about men. There are already way too many books about men. Most of these books fall into one of two categories:
Anti-Men Books declaring that men are oppressive, self-centered, testosterone-crazed scum who can’t even commit themselves to an entire TV show, let alone a monogamous relationship; plus they tend to think that they’re the only major gender capable of running large corporations and governmental institutions, despite the fact that the vast majority of them have never figured out how to do a load of laundry without having the underwear come out purple.
Pro-Men Books declaring that men are, deep down inside, vibrant earthy spiritual beings who are capable of great sensitivity if they get back in touch with their inner selves via introspection and hugging and chanting and pounding on drums even though they may have no musical talent, let alone a bass player.
Don’t get me wrong: These books are fine in their place, which is garage sales. The problem with them, in my opinion, is that they take men far too seriously. “Men” itself is a serious word, not to mention “manhood”and “manly.” Such words make being male sound
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