like a very important activity, as opposed to what it primarily consists of, namely, possessing a set of minor and frequently unreliable organs.
But men tend to attach great significance to Manhood. This results in certain characteristically masculine, by which I mean stupid, behavioral patterns that can produce unfortunate results such as violent crime, war, spitting, and ice hockey. These things have given males a bad name. 1 And the “Men’s Movement,” which is supposed to bring out the more positive aspects of Manliness, seems to be densely populated with loons and goobers.
So I’m saying that there’s a third way to look at males: not as aggressive macho dominators; not as sensitive, liberated hugging drummers; but as
guys
.
And what, exactly, do I mean by “guys”? I don’t know. I haven’t thought that much about it. One of the major characteristics of guyhood is that we guys don’t spend a lot of time pondering our deep, innermost feelings. There is a serious question in my mind about whether guys actually
have
deep innermost feelings, unless you count, for example, loyalty to the Detroit Tigers, or fear of bridal showers.
But although I can’t define exactly what it means to be a guy, I can describe certain guy characteristics, such as:
GUYS LIKE NEAT STUFF.
By “neat,” I mean “mechanical and unnecessarily complex.” I’ll give you an example. Right now I’m typing these words on an
extremely
powerful computer. It’s the latest in a line of maybe ten computers I’ve owned, each one more powerful than the last. My computer is chock-full of RAM and ROM and bytes and megahertzes and various other items that enable a computer to kick data-processing butt. It is probably capable of supervising the entire U.S. air-defense apparatus while simultaneouslyprocessing the tax return of every resident of Ohio. I use it mainly to write a newspaper column. This is an activity wherein I sit and stare at the screen for maybe ten minutes, then, using only my forefingers, slowly type something like:
Henry Kissinger looks like a big wart
.
I stare at this for another ten minutes, have an inspiration, then amplify the original thought as follows:
Henry Kissinger looks like a big fat wart
.
Then I stare at that for another ten minutes, pondering whether I should try to work in the concept of “hairy.”
This is absurdly simple work for my computer. It sits there, humming impatiently, bored to death, passing the time between keystrokes via brain-teaser activities such as developing a Unified Field Theory of the universe and translating the complete works of Shakespeare into rap. 2
In other words, this computer is absurdly overqualified to work for me, and yet soon, I guarantee, I will buy an
even more powerful
one. I won’t be able to stop myself. I’ll claim 3 that I need the new computer, but the truth is that I just
want
it. If there’s a reason why I can’t buy a computer for myself—say I’ve had my current one for less than a week—I’ll try to talk my wife, Beth, an editor who can use the same computer for
years
, into getting a new one.
“Why?” she’ll say. “Mine works fine.”
Beth doesn’t care about RAM or ROM.
Probably the ultimate example of the fundamental guy drive to have neat stuff is the Space Shuttle. Granted, the guys in charge of this program
claim
it has a Higher Scientific Purpose, namely to see how humans function in space. But of course we have known for years how humans function in space: They float around and say things like: “Looks real good, Houston!”
No, the real reason for the existence of the Space Shuttle is that it is one humongous and spectacularly gizmo-intensive item of hardware. Guys can tinker with it practically forever, and occasionally even get it to work,and use it to place
other
complex mechanical items into orbit, where they almost immediately break, which provides a great excuse to send the Space Shuttle up
again
. It’s Guy
But men tend to attach great significance to Manhood. This results in certain characteristically masculine, by which I mean stupid, behavioral patterns that can produce unfortunate results such as violent crime, war, spitting, and ice hockey. These things have given males a bad name. 1 And the “Men’s Movement,” which is supposed to bring out the more positive aspects of Manliness, seems to be densely populated with loons and goobers.
So I’m saying that there’s a third way to look at males: not as aggressive macho dominators; not as sensitive, liberated hugging drummers; but as
guys
.
And what, exactly, do I mean by “guys”? I don’t know. I haven’t thought that much about it. One of the major characteristics of guyhood is that we guys don’t spend a lot of time pondering our deep, innermost feelings. There is a serious question in my mind about whether guys actually
have
deep innermost feelings, unless you count, for example, loyalty to the Detroit Tigers, or fear of bridal showers.
But although I can’t define exactly what it means to be a guy, I can describe certain guy characteristics, such as:
GUYS LIKE NEAT STUFF.
By “neat,” I mean “mechanical and unnecessarily complex.” I’ll give you an example. Right now I’m typing these words on an
extremely
powerful computer. It’s the latest in a line of maybe ten computers I’ve owned, each one more powerful than the last. My computer is chock-full of RAM and ROM and bytes and megahertzes and various other items that enable a computer to kick data-processing butt. It is probably capable of supervising the entire U.S. air-defense apparatus while simultaneouslyprocessing the tax return of every resident of Ohio. I use it mainly to write a newspaper column. This is an activity wherein I sit and stare at the screen for maybe ten minutes, then, using only my forefingers, slowly type something like:
Henry Kissinger looks like a big wart
.
I stare at this for another ten minutes, have an inspiration, then amplify the original thought as follows:
Henry Kissinger looks like a big fat wart
.
Then I stare at that for another ten minutes, pondering whether I should try to work in the concept of “hairy.”
This is absurdly simple work for my computer. It sits there, humming impatiently, bored to death, passing the time between keystrokes via brain-teaser activities such as developing a Unified Field Theory of the universe and translating the complete works of Shakespeare into rap. 2
In other words, this computer is absurdly overqualified to work for me, and yet soon, I guarantee, I will buy an
even more powerful
one. I won’t be able to stop myself. I’ll claim 3 that I need the new computer, but the truth is that I just
want
it. If there’s a reason why I can’t buy a computer for myself—say I’ve had my current one for less than a week—I’ll try to talk my wife, Beth, an editor who can use the same computer for
years
, into getting a new one.
“Why?” she’ll say. “Mine works fine.”
Beth doesn’t care about RAM or ROM.
Probably the ultimate example of the fundamental guy drive to have neat stuff is the Space Shuttle. Granted, the guys in charge of this program
claim
it has a Higher Scientific Purpose, namely to see how humans function in space. But of course we have known for years how humans function in space: They float around and say things like: “Looks real good, Houston!”
No, the real reason for the existence of the Space Shuttle is that it is one humongous and spectacularly gizmo-intensive item of hardware. Guys can tinker with it practically forever, and occasionally even get it to work,and use it to place
other
complex mechanical items into orbit, where they almost immediately break, which provides a great excuse to send the Space Shuttle up
again
. It’s Guy
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