Dave Barry's History of the Millennium (So Far) by Dave Barry

Annika Sorenstam competes in a PGA tournament, setting off a major round of diaper changing among the membership of Augusta National. Meanwhile, Nike signs a $90 million endorsement deal with eighteen-year-old basketball player and Humvee owner LeBron James Incorporated. To pay for this, Nike raises the average price of a pair of its sneakers to $385, which includes $1.52 for materials and 17 cents for labor.
    In yet another sign of declining national educational standards, a twelve-year-old Vermont girl wins the National Spelling Bee in Washington by spelling “horse.” She actually spells it “h-o-r-s,” but the judges rule that this is “close enough.”
    In entertainment news, CNN switches to a new format that consists entirely of Larry King talking to former prosecutors about Laci Peterson.
    Speaking of upbeat, in…
    JUNE
    â€¦hopes for peace in the Mideast soar when President Bush meets with Israeli and Palestinian leaders in a landmark summit, which goes really well until gunfire erupts over the seating arrangements.
    Meanwhile, a political controversy brews over a little-noticed statement in the president’s January State of the Union address, in which he asserted that Iraq, under Saddam Hussein, was “located right next to Connecticut.” The CIA heatedly denies responsibility for the error, noting, “We clearly said Delaware.”
    On the crime front, Martha Stewart is indicted on charges of securities fraud and obstruction of justice. “Also,” states a federal prosecutor, “we believe that some of her casseroles contained human body parts.”
    Speaking of unhealthy: An outbreak of monkeypox (really) forces federal authorities to ban the sale of, among other animals, Gambian giant pouched rats. It is not immediately clear why anybody would want a giant pouched rat or why such a person would not deserve to get a disease.
    In sports, the University of Miami confirms reports that it is thinking about leaving the Big East athletic conference for the National Football League.
    On the literary front, the blockbuster bestseller of the year is the long-awaited fifth Harry Potter book, Harry Potter Reaches Puberty and Starts Taking Really Long Showers. Another hot seller is Sen. Hillary Clinton’s new book, I Can’t Help It If I’m a Saint, in which, with great candor and openness, her ghostwriter reveals the most intimate details of Sen. Clinton’s life, except the parts that might be interesting, which fall within Sen. Clinton’s “Zone of Privacy.” Promoting her book on a nationwide, multicity “Zone of Privacy Tour,” Sen. Clinton repeatedly denies that she plans to run for president, insisting that she is totally dedicated to “representing my constituents in, you know, that state.”
    North Korean troops, growing desperate for attention, announce plans to appear in a new “reality” TV show, tentatively titled We Have Conquered Your Nation, Capitalist Scum, but it is canceled when network executives find out that nobody involved is blond.
    The downward spiral continues in…
    JULY
    â€¦when President Bush goes to Africa for a five-day visit that goes quite well, considering the fact that the president, relying on U.S. intelligence reports, is under the impression he is touring Switzerland. Once the confusion is straightened out, the president has what the White House describes as a “very constructive meeting” with “a very influential group” of elephants.
    Meanwhile, hopes for democracy dim in Iraq when the postwar governing council of Iraqi leaders, holding its first meeting, votes to hire James Carville. On a positive note, U.S. forces kill Odai and Qusai Hussein, who are immediately signed to appear on a “reality” TV show called Who Wants to Take a Gander at the Bodies of Two Slimeball Dictator’s Sons.
    In the Caribbean, the U.S. Coast Guard intercepts a group of