Dave Barry Slept Here: A Sort of History of the United States by Dave Barry
Book: Dave Barry Slept Here: A Sort of History of the United States by Dave Barry
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Authors: Dave Barry
Tags: Humor, United States, Fiction, General, History, Political, Essay/s, Topic, Parodies, Form, United States - History
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landslide that unfortunately left him confined to a wheelchair for the rest of his life.
Nevertheless he began immediately to Combat the Depression, implementing a series of bold and sweeping new programs that came to be known, collectively, as:
THE HAWLEY-SMOOT TARIFF
No! Sorry! We can’t control ourselves. The programs implemented by Roosevelt were of course called the “New Deal,” which consisted of the following:
1. Bank Protection—A major problem during the Depression was that people kept
trying to get their money out of banks. To put a stop to this kind of
thing, the government instituted modern banking regulations, under which: The banks are never open when it might be convenient. The customer is never sure what his bank’s name is, since they keep changing
it, usually from something like “The First Formal Federal National State
Bank of Savings Loans and Of Course Trust” to something like
“InterContiBankAmeriTransWestSouthNorthCorp.” There are always stupid people in line ahead of you trying to cash checks from
the Bank of Ye men and using underwear labels for identification. 2. Job Creation—The government instituted a massive program of public works,
under which tens of thousands of men and women were put to work strewing
barricades and traffic cones on all the major roads in America, then
using red flags to give halfhearted and confusing signals to motorists
and sometimes waving them directly into the path of oncoming traffic.
These projects are still fully operational today. 3. The Infield Fly Rule—Under this program, when there is a runner on first
or second base and there are fewer than two out, and the batter is the
son of the runner’s first cousin, then the batter and the runner are
legally considered “second Cousins.”
Not surprisingly, these programs had an immediate impact on the Great Depression. And although some members of Congress charged that Roosevelt was overstepping his legal authority, he was able to win them over by inviting them to the White House for a series of “Fireside Chats” (“Perhaps, Senator, You would understand these Policies better if Ernst and Victor moved you even closer to the fire?” “NO! PLEASE!”).
But even firm measures such as this did not prevent huge clouds of dust kicked up by …
THE HAWLEY-SMOOT TARIFF
from covering entire states such as Oklahoma and turning them into a gigantic “Dust Bin,” forcing tens of thousands of people to pack up and head toward California, lured by the hope of finding jobs and a new life and maybe some decent sushi. This troubled era was chronicled brilliantly by John Steinbeck in his moving novel The Grapes of Wrath, part of a series that also includes The Pinto Beans of Lust and Bloodsucking Death Cabbages from Hell. And we could go on for days talking about the contributions being made during this period by women and minority groups.
But the bottom line was, things were still not going well. The only really positive aspect of the situation was that at least the nation was at peace. Yet at that very same moment, across the dark, brooding waters of the Atlantic, there was growing concern. “My God, look at those waters!” people were saying. “They’re brooding!” Clearly this did not bode well for the next chapter, which would see the outbreak of the most terrible and destructive event in the history of Mankind:
THE HAWLEY-SMOOT TARIFF
DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
1. Did you ever see the movie Attack of the Killer Tomatoes ? Explain. 2. You know how on the evening news they always tell you that the stock market
is up in active trading, or off in moderate trading, or trading in mixed
activity, or whatever? Well, who gives a shit?
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Major Nonhumorous Events Occur
While the United states was struggling to get OUt of the Depression, the nations of Europe were struggling to overcome the horror and devastation and death of World War I so they
Nevertheless he began immediately to Combat the Depression, implementing a series of bold and sweeping new programs that came to be known, collectively, as:
THE HAWLEY-SMOOT TARIFF
No! Sorry! We can’t control ourselves. The programs implemented by Roosevelt were of course called the “New Deal,” which consisted of the following:
1. Bank Protection—A major problem during the Depression was that people kept
trying to get their money out of banks. To put a stop to this kind of
thing, the government instituted modern banking regulations, under which: The banks are never open when it might be convenient. The customer is never sure what his bank’s name is, since they keep changing
it, usually from something like “The First Formal Federal National State
Bank of Savings Loans and Of Course Trust” to something like
“InterContiBankAmeriTransWestSouthNorthCorp.” There are always stupid people in line ahead of you trying to cash checks from
the Bank of Ye men and using underwear labels for identification. 2. Job Creation—The government instituted a massive program of public works,
under which tens of thousands of men and women were put to work strewing
barricades and traffic cones on all the major roads in America, then
using red flags to give halfhearted and confusing signals to motorists
and sometimes waving them directly into the path of oncoming traffic.
These projects are still fully operational today. 3. The Infield Fly Rule—Under this program, when there is a runner on first
or second base and there are fewer than two out, and the batter is the
son of the runner’s first cousin, then the batter and the runner are
legally considered “second Cousins.”
Not surprisingly, these programs had an immediate impact on the Great Depression. And although some members of Congress charged that Roosevelt was overstepping his legal authority, he was able to win them over by inviting them to the White House for a series of “Fireside Chats” (“Perhaps, Senator, You would understand these Policies better if Ernst and Victor moved you even closer to the fire?” “NO! PLEASE!”).
But even firm measures such as this did not prevent huge clouds of dust kicked up by …
THE HAWLEY-SMOOT TARIFF
from covering entire states such as Oklahoma and turning them into a gigantic “Dust Bin,” forcing tens of thousands of people to pack up and head toward California, lured by the hope of finding jobs and a new life and maybe some decent sushi. This troubled era was chronicled brilliantly by John Steinbeck in his moving novel The Grapes of Wrath, part of a series that also includes The Pinto Beans of Lust and Bloodsucking Death Cabbages from Hell. And we could go on for days talking about the contributions being made during this period by women and minority groups.
But the bottom line was, things were still not going well. The only really positive aspect of the situation was that at least the nation was at peace. Yet at that very same moment, across the dark, brooding waters of the Atlantic, there was growing concern. “My God, look at those waters!” people were saying. “They’re brooding!” Clearly this did not bode well for the next chapter, which would see the outbreak of the most terrible and destructive event in the history of Mankind:
THE HAWLEY-SMOOT TARIFF
DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
1. Did you ever see the movie Attack of the Killer Tomatoes ? Explain. 2. You know how on the evening news they always tell you that the stock market
is up in active trading, or off in moderate trading, or trading in mixed
activity, or whatever? Well, who gives a shit?
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Major Nonhumorous Events Occur
While the United states was struggling to get OUt of the Depression, the nations of Europe were struggling to overcome the horror and devastation and death of World War I so they
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