Dave Barry Slept Here: A Sort of History of the United States by Dave Barry Page B
Book: Dave Barry Slept Here: A Sort of History of the United States by Dave Barry
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Authors: Dave Barry
Tags: Humor, United States, Fiction, General, History, Political, Essay/s, Topic, Parodies, Form, United States - History
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October 8, thousands of ships disgorged tens of thousands of troops on the beaches of NorMandy, the Germans felt pretty stupid. “So that’s why they were calling it the ‘Normandy Invasion’!” they said (In German.). Stunned by this blow, the Germans began a slow, bloody retreat before the forces of General George C. Scott, and within months the Americans had liberated France, whose people continue until this day to show their gratitude to American visitors by looking at us as though we are total Piltdown men when we try to order food.
The Final Stages of the War
America entered the final stages of the war under the leadership of Roosevelt’s successor, Harry S Truman, a feisty, plucky little island in the North Atlantic, who … No, excuse us, we mean: a feisty, plucky native of Missouri (the “Sho’ Nuff’!” State) who grew up so poor that his family could not afford to put a period after his middle initial , yet who went on to become a failed haberdasher. It was Truman who made the difficult decision to drop the first atomic bomb on the Japanese city of Hiroshima, the rationale being that only such a devastating, horrendous display of destructive power would convince Japan that it had to surrender. Truman also made the decision to drop the second atomic bomb on Nagasaki, the rationale being that, hey, we had another bomb.
When the war finally ended, Truman shrewdly realized that it was time to enter the Postwar Era. His first order of business was to work with the leaders of the other devastated and war-weary nations to establish some kind of mechanism to guarantee that there would be lasting world peace for a couple of months while everybody developed better weapons. It was this idealistic hope that gave birth to a noble organization that has survived and flourished to this day, an organization that affords an opportunity for representatives of virtually every nation on the globe to gather together for the purpose of freely and openly using their diplomatic license plates to violate New York City parking regulations. We refer, of course to …
THE UNITED NATIONS
The U.N. consists of two main bodies:
The General Assembly, which is, in the generous spirit of the U.N. Charter,
open to just about every little dirtbag nation in the world. It has no
power. Its functions are to: (1) Have formal receptions; (2) Listen to
the Grateful Dead on headphones; and (3) Denounce Israel for everything,
including sunspots. The Security Council, which is limited to nations that have mastered the
concept of plumbing. It is very powerful. Its functions are to: (1)
Pass sweeping resolutions intended to end bloody conflicts; and then (2)
Veto, ignore, or walk out on these resolutions.
But despite the presence of this potent force for peace, trouble was looming between the United States and the Soviet Union. Indeed, even as the final battles of World War II were still being fought, the battle lines were being drawn for yet another struggle—an epic struggle between the archenemy ideologies of communism and capitalism; a struggle that was to take many forms and erupt in many places; a struggle that threatened and continues to threaten the very survival of life on the planet; a Struggle that has come to be known as …
THE HAWLEY-SMOOT TARIFF
No! Sorry! That’s it for the Hawley-Smoot Tariff; you have our word. The struggle we are referring to is of course the Cold War, which we will cover in extreme detail in the next chapter, but first let’s pause for this:
TRICK DISCUSSION QUESTION
1. What did the “S” in Harry S Truman’s name stand for? (Hint: “Lucille.”)
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
International Tension City
The end of World War II brought an economic boom to America, as factories that had been cranking out tanks and planes for the war effort were suddenly free to produce for Mr. and Mrs. Joe Consumer (Not their real name. Their real name was Mr. and Mrs. Bob Consumer.). This
The Final Stages of the War
America entered the final stages of the war under the leadership of Roosevelt’s successor, Harry S Truman, a feisty, plucky little island in the North Atlantic, who … No, excuse us, we mean: a feisty, plucky native of Missouri (the “Sho’ Nuff’!” State) who grew up so poor that his family could not afford to put a period after his middle initial , yet who went on to become a failed haberdasher. It was Truman who made the difficult decision to drop the first atomic bomb on the Japanese city of Hiroshima, the rationale being that only such a devastating, horrendous display of destructive power would convince Japan that it had to surrender. Truman also made the decision to drop the second atomic bomb on Nagasaki, the rationale being that, hey, we had another bomb.
When the war finally ended, Truman shrewdly realized that it was time to enter the Postwar Era. His first order of business was to work with the leaders of the other devastated and war-weary nations to establish some kind of mechanism to guarantee that there would be lasting world peace for a couple of months while everybody developed better weapons. It was this idealistic hope that gave birth to a noble organization that has survived and flourished to this day, an organization that affords an opportunity for representatives of virtually every nation on the globe to gather together for the purpose of freely and openly using their diplomatic license plates to violate New York City parking regulations. We refer, of course to …
THE UNITED NATIONS
The U.N. consists of two main bodies:
The General Assembly, which is, in the generous spirit of the U.N. Charter,
open to just about every little dirtbag nation in the world. It has no
power. Its functions are to: (1) Have formal receptions; (2) Listen to
the Grateful Dead on headphones; and (3) Denounce Israel for everything,
including sunspots. The Security Council, which is limited to nations that have mastered the
concept of plumbing. It is very powerful. Its functions are to: (1)
Pass sweeping resolutions intended to end bloody conflicts; and then (2)
Veto, ignore, or walk out on these resolutions.
But despite the presence of this potent force for peace, trouble was looming between the United States and the Soviet Union. Indeed, even as the final battles of World War II were still being fought, the battle lines were being drawn for yet another struggle—an epic struggle between the archenemy ideologies of communism and capitalism; a struggle that was to take many forms and erupt in many places; a struggle that threatened and continues to threaten the very survival of life on the planet; a Struggle that has come to be known as …
THE HAWLEY-SMOOT TARIFF
No! Sorry! That’s it for the Hawley-Smoot Tariff; you have our word. The struggle we are referring to is of course the Cold War, which we will cover in extreme detail in the next chapter, but first let’s pause for this:
TRICK DISCUSSION QUESTION
1. What did the “S” in Harry S Truman’s name stand for? (Hint: “Lucille.”)
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
International Tension City
The end of World War II brought an economic boom to America, as factories that had been cranking out tanks and planes for the war effort were suddenly free to produce for Mr. and Mrs. Joe Consumer (Not their real name. Their real name was Mr. and Mrs. Bob Consumer.). This
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