Daft Wee Stories by Limmy

asked Mark.
    â€˜Nope. Not one. No idea where she puts them, mate, no idea at all.’
    â€˜And she isn’t in the house, I take it?’
    â€˜Nope,’ said Sean. ‘So I’ve got no idea. No idea where they are. I know where I put them, I remember where I put them, but then she goes and moves them to some other drawer, know what I mean?’
    â€˜Yeah, sounds familiar,’ said Mark, and they had a chuckle. ‘Hold on a moment, I might not need your account number, I’ll just ask my supervisor.’
    â€˜Brain damage, aren’t they?’ asked Sean.
    Mark said nothing.
    â€˜Brain damage, aren’t they, mate?’ asked Sean again, before realising Mark was probably away from the desk to talk to his supervisor. A minute later, Mark came back.
    â€˜Hi there, sorry about that,’ said Mark.
    â€˜Brain damage, aren’t they?’ asked Sean, but Mark didn’t catch it.
    â€˜What we can do is, do you have the phone you usually use to pay the bill? Your number’s currently coming up as withheld.’
    â€˜I don’t,’ said Sean. ‘My wife usually phones from her mobile, and I don’t have her mobile, she does, so …’
    Mark let out a wee tut.
    â€˜I know, mate,’ said Sean. ‘I know. Brain damage.’
    â€˜No, sorry, I didn’t mean that,’ laughed Mark. ‘I was tutting at the situation, not your wife. I do apologise.’ Mark laughed again. ‘Thank God this isn’t recorded. No, I do apologise.’
    â€˜It’s cool, mate,’ said Sean, laughing along. ‘Seriously. It’s her that caused the situation, know what I mean? I bet yours has caused a situation or two, eh? No offence, but you said it sounded familiar, did you not?’
    â€˜Yeah, a few situations. But I’ve caused a fair share myself.’ Mark straightened up and got back to business. ‘OK, let me think. How urgent is it that you pay the bill? Is it overdue?’
    â€˜What kind of situations?’ asked Sean.
    â€˜Sorry?’
    â€˜Your wife,’ said Sean. ‘What kind of situations has she caused? Sorry to pry, but I could do with a laugh. I need it after today!’
    â€˜Oh, um, you know,’ said Mark, half laughing. ‘Just things like what you said, the same as yourself, moving things around, moving my keys, that kind of thing.’
    â€˜The keys! I know, mate, what’s the script with that? It’s like they get a buzz out of fucking with your head, isn’t it?’ asked Sean. ‘Isn’t it?’
    â€˜You could be right,’ laughed Mark, before clearing his throat. ‘OK, well, if your bill isn’t that urgent, what you could do is—’
    â€˜Listen, mate,’ said Sean. ‘Listen.’
    It was time to cut to the chase.
    â€˜You listening?’ asked Sean.
    â€˜Yes,’ said Mark.
    â€˜They’re brain damage.’
    â€˜Yeah. But, if your bill isn’t that urgent, you can wait until she—’
    â€˜Mate. It’s cool,’ said Sean quietly. ‘I get it. I know what you’re going through.’
    â€˜Sorry?’ said Mark.
    â€˜Me and you. Me and you … are the same.’
    There was a long silence from Mark’s end. Sean continued, bringing his voice down to a whisper.
    â€˜They’d never make the connection. The police, I mean. They wouldn’t have any records, my number’s withheld. And this isn’t being recorded, remember?’
    Silence.
    â€˜There’s nothing to connect yours to mine or mine to yours. They’d never think somebody would travel hundreds of miles just to do that. You’re down south I take it, aye?’
    Silence.
    â€˜Just think of the insurance. Has yours got insurance?’ asked Sean. ‘Life insurance? Get insurance. I know it’s not about the money, but for all the shite we’ve had to go through we’re entitled to some compensation,