Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler Page B

silence and violence in no time. Before you begin, examine your motives. Ask yourself the Start with Heart questions:
    â€¢ What do I want for me?
    â€¢ What do I want for others?
    â€¢ What do I want for the relationship?
    Look for the mutuality
. Let’s see how Mutual Purpose applies to a tough example—one where, at first glance, it might appear as if your purpose is to make things better for yourself. How can you find Mutual Purpose in this? Let’s say you’ve got a boss who frequently fails to keep commitments. How could you tell the boss you don’t trust him? Surely there’s no way to say this without the boss becoming defensive or vengeful, because he knows that your goal is merely to make your life better.
    To avoid disaster, find a Mutual Purpose that would be so motivating to the boss that he’d want to hear your concerns. If your only reason for approaching the boss is to get what you want, the boss will hear you as critical and selfish—which is what you are. In contrast, if you try to see the other person’s point of view, you can often find a way to draw the other person willingly into even very sensitive conversations. For example, if the boss’s behavior is causing you to miss deadlines he cares about, or incur costs he frets over, or lose productivity that he worries about, then you’re onto a possible Mutual Purpose.
    Imagine raising the topic this way: “I’ve got some ideas for how I can be much more reliable and even reduce costs by a few thousand dollars in preparing the report each month. It’s going to be a bit of a sensitive conversation—but I think it will help a great deal if we can talk about it.”
Mutual Respect—the Continuance Condition
Will We Be Able to Remain in Dialogue?
    While it’s true that there’s no reason to enter a crucial conversation if you don’t have Mutual Purpose, it’s equally true that you can’t stay in the conversation if you don’t maintain
Mutual Respect
. Mutual Respect is the continuance condition of dialogue. As people perceive that others don’t respect them, the conversation immediately becomes unsafe and dialogue comes to a screeching halt.
    Why? Because respect is like air. As long as it’s present, nobody thinks about it. But if you take it away, it’s
all
that people can think about. The instant people perceive disrespect in a conversation, the interaction is no longer about the original purpose—it is now about defending dignity.
    For example, you’re talking with a group of supervisors about a complicated quality problem. You really want to see the problem resolved once and for all. Your job depends on it. Unfortunately, you also think the supervisors are overpaid and underqualified. You firmly believe that not only are they in over their heads, but they do stupid things all the time. Some of them even act unethically.
    As the supervisors throw out ideas, you roll your eyes. The disrespect you carry in your head and are trying to keep hidden creeps out in one unfortunate eye gesture. It’s all over. Without mutual respect, the conversation tanks. The supervisors now take shots at your proposals. You add insulting adjectives in describing theirs. As attention turns to scoring points, everyone loses. Your Mutual Purpose suffers for a lack of Mutual Respect.
    Telltale signs
. To spot when respect is violated and safety takes a turn south, watch for signs that people are defending their dignity. Emotions are the key. When people feel disrespected, they become highly charged. Their emotions turn fromfear to anger. Then they resort to pouting, name-calling, yelling, and making threats. Ask the following question to determine when Mutual Respect is at risk:
    â€¢ Do others believe I respect them?
Can You Respect People You Don’t Respect?
    Some people fear they’ll never be able to maintain Mutual Purpose or Mutual Respect with certain