Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler

other far too seldom. Yvonne is satisfied with their physical relationship. For years, the two have acted out rather than talked out their concerns. When Jotham wants to be amorous and Yvonne doesn’t respond, he goes to silence. He pouts, says almost nothing, and avoids Yvonne for the next few days.
    Yvonne knows what’s going on with Jotham. Occasionally she’ll go along with him even when she’s not feeling particularly romantic. She does this in hopes of avoiding Jotham’s pouting. Unfortunately, she then feels resentful toward Jotham, and it’s much longer before she feels genuinely affectionate toward him.
    So here’s the game. The more Jotham insists and pouts, the less attractive and interesting he is to Yvonne. The more Yvonne succumbs and then resents, the less she’s interested in the relationship. The more both of them act out rather than talk out this crucial conversation, the more likely they are to end up going their separate ways. Yvonne has decided to broach the subject with Jotham. Rather than waiting until they’re both upset, she’s picked a time when they’re relaxing on the couch. Here goes.
    Y VONNE : Jotham, can we talk about what happened last night—you know, when I told you that I was tired?
    J OTHAM : I don’t know if
I’m
in the mood.
    Y VONNE : What’s that supposed to mean?
    J OTHAM : I’m sick and tired of you deciding when we do what!
    Y VONNE : (
walks out
)
STEP OUT. MAKE IT SAFE. THEN STEP BACK IN
    Okay, let’s look at Yvonne. She tried to tackle a tough topic. Good for her. She was already uncomfortable and her partner took a cheap shot at her. Some help he was. Now what should she do? How can she get back to honest and healthy dialogue? What do you do when you don’t feel like it’s safe to share what’s on your mind?
    The key is to step out of the content of the conversation. Don’t stay stuck in what’s being said. Yvonne exited because she was focused on
what
Jotham was saying. If she had been looking atJotham’s conditions of dialogue, she would have spotted his use of sarcasm—a form of
silence
. Rather than talking openly about his concern and adding to the Pool of Shared Meaning, he’s taking a potshot. Why would he do that?
Because he doesn’t feel safe using dialogue
.
    Unfortunately, Yvonne then missed this point. Now, we’re not suggesting that Jotham’s behavior is acceptable, or that Yvonne should put up with it. But first things first—Start with Heart. The first question is: “What do I really want?”
    If you really want to have a healthy conversation about a topic that will make or break your relationship, then for a moment or two you may have to set aside confronting the current issue—i.e., Jotham’s sarcasm.
    At this moment, Yvonne needs to build safety—enough to talk about their physical relationship, about the way Jotham is dealing with it, or about any other concerns. But if she doesn’t make it safe, all she’s going to experience is an unhealthy continuation of the silence and violence games.
    So, what should she do?
    In these circumstances, the
worst
at dialogue do what both Jotham and Yvonne did. Like Jotham, they totally ignore the crying need for more safety. They say whatever is on their minds— with no regard for how it will be received. Or like Yvonne, they conclude the topic is completely unsafe and move to silence.
    The
good
realize that safety is at risk, but they fix it in exactly the wrong way. They try to make the subject more palatable by sugarcoating their message. “Oh, honey, I really want to be with you but I’m under a lot of pressure at work, and the stress makes it hard for me to enjoy our time together.” They try to make things safer by watering down or dressing up their content. This strategy, of course, avoids the real problem, and it never gets fixed.
    The
best
don’t play